#168 In This Time Of Uncertainty

I feel so glad that I enrolled in SOT, even though the course has not yet officially started. (We are having preparatory classes.) Pastor Kong preached in the church-wide bible study on having reference points for our spiritual walk and SOT is yet another reference point and springboard to greater victory in my life. Because at this point in my life, after completing Polytechnic and having nothing of mention to show for it, as well as complete NS as a non-combatant, I feel like I need a direction in my life that screams impossible without a miracle. And SOT is just the place to grow my faith and hope, both of which are in short supply.

When I spoke about my decision to enter bible school, so many people asked me what my certificate can do, as if the paper like an educational degree from one of the universities. Others asked if I wanted to become a preacher. But that is not the point of SOT for me. At some point in our lives we lose our innocence and we start to make the choice on what we want to live our life for and how to do it. Going to bible school is as much a spiritual learning journey as it is a first step in hope to a life beyond 9-5 jobs and working for the sake of money. Because if all my ambition is limited to a comfortable living, a wife and 3 kids, I'm not going to feeling very fulfilled. There has always been more, so much more that has been crying out from within my heart. And often, I bury that small voice by proclaim my intention to be as ordinary as possible, in fear of the ambition I did not have the courage to let loose. But God says I can, and at first, like all sane, rational people I scoffed at the mere thought of it. But what made me change? Faith. Because faith is having hope for what we are sure to receive.

I suspect people have the feeling that after going through bible school I am going to change so radically in my behaviour that I will become a religious fanatic indoctrinated in flamboyant practices that have no bearing on reality. But I, of all people, don't want to lose my humanity when I grow spiritually. I, of all people, don't want become a wacko spouting gibberish nonsense. That is not for me. What I want is to understand more of the faith and hope that captivated my heart, in spite of the utter ridiculousness of hearing that someone had died for me 2000 years ago, so that an as yet unformed me could live unto eternal life. My rational mind rejected it, but somewhere deep down, somehow, against all odds, I believed. I now know it as His grace.

If I know my life is not what I want it to be, then it surely is not what God wants it to be. Therefore, I do not stick around doing the same things expecting any change. And often when people say things that are sensitive to me, whether intentional or not, my self-esteem drops way low and my mind naturally prods, "Why bother?" Things got to an all time low just last month. And yet by the grace of God I hung on to that tiny piece of hope and the promise of a life of victory. Christians are in no way more perfect than the average guy out there. But our hope is in His promise, and we work towards that promise, of blessings, of good health, of righteousness. (for our conscience.)

Even as I step into a whole new experience with the commencement of SOT, I pray for greater grace from God, because I am weak, nothing in fact. But in Him I am strong, because He strengthens me. The Christian walk is a walk of choice, and I pray, oh how I pray, for the grace to overcome myself and the choices that count unto eternity.

#167 Pray Tell Me

Why do I bother talking when everyone wants to cut in without listening.

And now I feel like a bloody fool.

#166 How Time Flew

It's been what, 3 years since then. Suddenly, the memories flood back and I am longing for the "restart" button.

Oh well, life goes on, footsteps come into and leave. I'll let God decide the future.

之间 张栋梁

还有太多 值得回味
总有理由 继续沉醉
过去那氛围
要如何维持多一会

谁能保证 热情不退
我太习惯事与愿违
我想你错了
我不是甚么都可以无所谓
在爱或不爱退或不退之间
你和我忽近忽远
像在兜圈
这些年多少曲折蜿蜒
我就快要分裂
当初那些画面
需要多少时间还原

谁能保证 热情不退
我太习惯事与愿违
我想你错了
我不是甚么都可以无所谓
在爱或不爱退或不退之间
你和我忽近忽远
像在兜圈
这些年多少曲折蜿蜒
我就快要分裂
当初那些画面
需要多少时间还原

如果放开手让爱恢复自由
就算那是一种藉口
我会愿意承受

我们在幸福和不幸福之间
在痛或不痛快不快乐之间
至少我们都不是没有感觉
到底为了甚么改变

在爱或不爱退或不退之间
你和我忽近忽远 在兜圈
这些年多少曲折蜿蜒
我就快要分裂
当初那些画面 需要多少时间还原

#165 The Way I See It

Dreams are meant to come true. If the reverse was true, we wouldn't have dreams at all. Because everything that is created is for a purpose. And even for the atheist, natural selection has the habit of removing from the gene pool that which is not beneficial for the advancement of the species. Of course, this is a simplistic form of reason. Yet, this is what I have come to believe.

One day, I shall hold my own concert. The very first time I talked about it way back in polytechnic days I was not even serious. And yet after the timeskip here I am reminded of that "joke". In my mind, it's already come to fruition.

Just wait. One day, I'm going to make it. :)

#164 ...

It's so hard to say sorry, especially as we get older. It doesn't matter if its a small matter or a huge fiasco. Rawr. :(

Oh well.