2015 has been a year of pain and stepping out. Because often times, what the heart wants, the heart does not get. And even if we do, what we get may not be what we want all along. Yet time heals all wounds, as always. The irony is that just 3 months ago, my life seemed like it was truly falling apart as I made the decision to let go someone I should never have held on to. To think I thought watching my parents divorce would bring the greatest pain I could ever feel. And yet letting go of a person who has no blood relation to you can hurt so much more; can seem to so utterly destroy you emotionally.
Yet today, I finally realise that the worst is truly over.
Still, the emptiness still remains.
I haven't seen the poignant me in a while, ever since I decided to adopt that devil may care attitude towards life. Yet a single song, 小幸運 can bring that same self I thought I shed, back into existence. Surprising the extent to which music can affect us.
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I never thought that the prayer of a child can matter so much to who we become or what happens to us. And yet today, I stand here, utterly convinced of the power of words.
Way back when I was somewhere around 5 to 6 years of age, I once said a prayer. This was during the midst of a huge row between Dad and Mom. I said, "God, if you exist, can you take all the pain and anger between my Mom, Dad, and even the world and put it into me. I rather I suffer the consequences of all that pain and hurt than let anyone else feel that way."
That silly, innocent me thought I could bear the weight of the world all on my shoulders.
While understandably, nothing of the sort really happened, and my parents' quarrels finally led to a split, that prayer I made seemed to influence the way I felt, thought and interacted with the world at large. I started to take the weight of the people around me (never mind that it didn't concern me at all) and place the responsibility upon myself.
Have you ever felt responsible for the smiles of the people around you? For pulling up the people whom society had left in the dust? For fighting for the welfare of the people whom no one cared for? I felt that way in my own little sphere of influences.
Yet today, I find that aspect of myself truly pathetic.
If you care not for yourself, how can you care for even another? No one else's life is under your responsibility but your own. You can have no influence or control over any other life other than your own. Start fighting for yourself; no one else can.
Stand up. Don't show the world a smile but give up on yourself.
Perhaps my heart has truly gone cold this time, as I also let go, once more, the people who said I mattered and they would stay. The people who judged because I was different. The people who I let in but took me for a ride. Because words are hardly enough when actions do not correlate.
Perhaps I haven't changed at all. Well, whatever, if this is truly who I am, then I accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.
