8 Dec 2015 - Realisation / Acceptance

I have a paper on in less than 24 hours that I have yet to start studying for. We plan our lives for such a beautiful future, yet what is it that holds us back from fulfilling that future? Could it be that what we really want really is not what we have planned?

2015 has been a year of pain and stepping out. Because often times, what the heart wants, the heart does not get. And even if we do, what we get may not be what we want all along. Yet time heals all wounds, as always. The irony is that just 3 months ago, my life seemed like it was truly falling apart as I made the decision to let go someone I should never have held on to. To think I thought watching my parents divorce would bring the greatest pain I could ever feel. And yet letting go of a person who has no blood relation to you can hurt so much more; can seem to so utterly destroy you emotionally.

Yet today, I finally realise that the worst is truly over.

Still, the emptiness still remains.

I haven't seen the poignant me in a while, ever since I decided to adopt that devil may care attitude towards life. Yet a single song, 小幸運 can bring that same self I thought I shed, back into existence. Surprising the extent to which music can affect us.

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I never thought that the prayer of a child can matter so much to who we become or what happens to us. And yet today, I stand here, utterly convinced of the power of words.

Way back when I was somewhere around 5 to 6 years of age, I once said a prayer. This was during the midst of a huge row between Dad and Mom. I said, "God, if you exist, can you take all the pain and anger between my Mom, Dad, and even the world and put it into me. I rather I suffer the consequences of all that pain and hurt than let anyone else feel that way."

That silly, innocent me thought I could bear the weight of the world all on my shoulders.

While understandably, nothing of the sort really happened, and my parents' quarrels finally led to a split, that prayer I made seemed to influence the way I felt, thought and interacted with the world at large. I started to take the weight of the people around me (never mind that it didn't concern me at all) and place the responsibility upon myself.

Have you ever felt responsible for the smiles of the people around you? For pulling up the people whom society had left in the dust? For fighting for the welfare of the people whom no one cared for? I felt that way in my own little sphere of influences.

Yet today, I find that aspect of myself truly pathetic.

If you care not for yourself, how can you care for even another? No one else's life is under your responsibility but your own. You can have no influence or control over any other life other than your own. Start fighting for yourself; no one else can.

Stand up. Don't show the world a smile but give up on yourself.

Perhaps my heart has truly gone cold this time, as I also let go, once more, the people who said I mattered and they would stay. The people who judged because I was different. The people who I let in but took me for a ride. Because words are hardly enough when actions do not correlate.

Perhaps I haven't changed at all. Well, whatever, if this is truly who I am, then I accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.

Dear God, I'd Rather Be Cold Then Lukewarm

And right now, I feel pretty much subzero cold.

But You understand. More than I could myself.

So as Monday comes, I believe You're with me.

For though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Your rod & Your staff they comfort me.

The rod for rebuke, the staff to pull me back.

But if there be a shadow, there must be a light source.

And You are that light that casts the shadow upon Death, so that even Death cannot come near.

Please be with me, dear Father. Help my unbelief.

21 Mar 2014

Dear God,
Tonight, I find life so, uncertain, overwhelming, even unbearable. I find myself at that point where I don't know who to confide in.

I find life a tough journey to walk, unbearable even. I don't know if where I'm heading is worth the pain, wait & toil.

I don't know if the choices I made are right or wrong.

I don't know if I'm good enough or not. Maybe it's because I've had too much to drink.

I don't know how to stop worrying.

I don't know if my family'll be fine or not.

I feel I've done the best I can as humanly possible and yet I feel so dissatisfied.

And that is why, I'm leaving this whole mess of a life to You.

Where I am weak, then You are strong.

You long for me life a lover longs for his sweetheart. Even though I am unworthy, You love me.

And I desire a breakthrough. Give me that hunger.

God I can go no further on my own strength.

I'm at the end of the line.

I have nothing to boast of now.

Even the hopes & dreams I had they seem closer to "never" then before.

But I know this is all the voice of the Devil.

For You hold the world in Your hands. & you will deliver.

So God, I put no trust in man, but in You.

You will lift me. You will sustain me.

Thank You, Lord.

13 March 2014

Thank God, You didn't give up on me.

It's been over 2 years since I started working. Time sure flies. And while things will never be the same again, it is this hope in Him that keeps me going.

Sure is a quiet house nowadays.

Hebrews 11:1-3 NKJV

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

So many things I do not understand that has happened or is happening. So much so that I often feel my life is out of control. But day by day I find myself coming back to this realization, that God is in control. And while everything seems to go topsy turvy, I know in the deepest of my heart that things will work out.

Romans 8:26-28 NKJV

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weakness. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

I know now that I need not bother about the things I cannot control. Not everything has to be answered "right now". Because God is not a God of convenience, or "right now" but a God of perfection, "right where it should be". My mind I can control, and should, although all too often I let it lead me astray.

But such is the grace of God, that we who love Him, though we may grow weary, 

Hebrews 13:5 Amplified

Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]

The promise does comfort me. But my role is not in merely staring at the mirror and then walking away, (James 1:23-24), but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2), if it were to last. Because John the Baptist had rightly said,

John 3:30-35

He must increase, but I must decrease. He who comes from above is above all; he who is of the earth is earthly and speaks of the earth. He who comes from heaven is above all. And what He has seen or heard, that He testifies; and no one receives His testimony. He who has received His testimony has certified that God is true. For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God does not give the Spirit by measure. The Father loves the Son, and has given all things into His hand.

God has not given me limited grace, but grace beyond measure. And it is this grace beyond measure that will carry me through the pressure of moulding into the light of His glory. Then when I can last through the fire, I will shine forth like gold.

1 Kings 19:11-13

Then He said, "Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord." And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

21st December 2013

I don't want to go on like this.

Today Marks A New Start

I'm sorry I don't come close to fitting in, much less understanding.

And if I look in the here & now, I'd have given up hope & ran away.

But it's already/only July & December's but 4 ish months away.

I'd said I'd counted the cost before starting 2013 but really, when you're in it,  it hurts like nothing I've ever been through.

But I've said it once & I shall say it again, if not for the world, then for myself to here. 2013, pain is good, it makes you stronger. Pain keeps you from being complacent & pushes you to progress.

Who cares, Windez, if you're a late bloomer. Who cares if things are falling apart. Who cares if you've lost the flow sometime in the middle. No one does.

Who cares if you stand at the end of it all or fall? God does.. Now go to sleep; it's going to keep being exciting.

It's Okay, Just Don't Give Up

Dear Wind,

It's okay to feel under the weather.

It's okay to be at a loss & doubt so many things.

It's okay to want to run away from the struggles that seem to swallow you whole.

It's okay that things don't go your way.

It's okay to feel emotions, however negative.

It's important to accept them too.

Just don't give up.

When you feel that things are not in control, remember that 10% of what happens, happens. 90% of the equation is determined by your reaction or response.

Choose, react to your emotions, or respond proactively?

When you feel like it's someone else's problem or fault, stop & think. If so, where are you in the equation? Or are you really just being taken for a ride? Can't be, right? Man up, own up, take responsibility.

When you feel like its spilling over to every other area of your life, ask yourself, what has hair loss talk got to do with your siblings? Absolutely nothing! Don't let it affect the other areas. Leave the office struggles in the office, the CG problems in the CG, the family issues within the family.

When you feel as if the problem "has always been there & will continue to be there", think again! People are people with emotions. People are also dynamic. We change whether for good or for bad. Either way we change. Choose the right change. Choose to believe in the goodness of others. Never forget that people never started off wanting to do bad things or e bad people. They're just humans who:

1. Are looking for a better life & perceive their choice at that moment is the best way to go.

2. Just want to get out of a situation that seems to overwhelm them.

But Wind, you know you have 90% of the control & you have ownership of your issues, you cannot let them spill over but solve them one at a time & you know nothing lasts forever. Only God does.

Now fight on, for your own sake, for the sake of the family, friends & cell group you love. You know you do, no matter how painful it seems deep down. & show more appreciation for the people around you; like you, they suffer. A smile is always welcome. You owe that to them, for the people who come & want to stay, no matter how you might perceive them at any point in time. Because that is how you would wish to be perceived.

Last of all, most importantly, don't forget that no matter who else claims otherwise, God loves you more than you can ever imagine & conceive in your mind. You feel you've failed Him so many times but He hasn't given up. Because He made you just the way you are & He knows every single step you take. He's not fine with sin but He's fine with you going through the process of pain, suffering & struggling because He knows that one day, you will be the child He has always envisioned from before the beginning of time you will become.

So fight on. Billions of people in the world & they have not given up, so why should you?