I restart my blog. Couldn't help it, because each life stage I cross I get this urge to sort of start a new chapter.
Sometimes I feel like I should be overwhelmed by the sheer mass of stuff that is crammed into this little head of mine. Because the more I learn, the less I seem to know. I know, it sounds like I pulled the cliche off an "expressions-of-yesteryear" website and such, but the experiences that I've been through, although mundane by the standards of others (I didn't fight a war, nor did I embark on a personal challenge to scale towering mountains), are special to me because I never knew I could make the choices I do.
Like going back to church. Granted, it's a different one, name-wise, but I always thought that if I'd ever, I'd return to Hope. Who was to know that God put my National Service (NS) upperstudy in my life not only to hand over the reins of my vocation, but also to give me another chance at running the Race to the finish? More than gratitude, I am humbled by that chance. But enough of my gratituous chatter.
I've always had the impression from those who've "been-there-done-that" that NS as a clerk would be a total waste of time. Yet as I lived, breathed, worked through the past two plus months I've come to learn that even for the NS clerk (chao geng, to most others) experience, what you receive and achieve often is derived from what you start off envisioning and choosing to embrace or believe in. Sure, there are pointless activities, but these are made much more bearable.
How so? For example, in taking attendance for the Unit daily (though not my job, I have to cover the duty because the one responsible is on MC almost everyday), I get to know the people in my Unit better. Because of this familiarity, I make friends, and believe me, shredding hundreds of paper while in friendly conversation with a colleague is way more entertaining than doing it alone.
On top of it all, other tasks such as covering each other for duties become a breeze as there is mutual trust and not a constant fear of "who's-trying-to-chao-geng" more.
Over time, my colleagues and I start to bond and well, things just grow from there. Through these two months, we've gone clubbing and karaoke-ing, and are even planning to enrol in the same (private) part-time diploma course!
All these are in stark contrast to the times when I ambled along aimlessly through life. I'm glad that those times are past (for good, I hope) and that I can look toward a path of purpose and meaning. So many times before I felt I existed in flesh yet not in soul or spirit. Existing but not living. Painful? I'm not sure. A waste? Definitely.
Yet the days are bittersweet, because even after 7 months, I still cannot get comfortable with the absence of my grandmother. The first few months were painful; I'd go home to an empty house. Sometimes I look back with regret, that if I had been more alert, I might have noticed something wrong.
And yet my mind understands and accepts the unfortunate. But till today my heart does not concur.
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