#64 The Hiatus Has Ended

I believe.

So many things have happened, so much doubt has been casted upon my life and then casted away once more.

At 2.30am in the midst of a deluge on a Saturday I (inadequately) pen my thoughts.

A part of me mourns the times that have passed, the innocence lost, the friends that are (terribly) missed, the opportunities that were forgone and the buddies that are no more.

In fact, my brain is almost exploding with the number of names and faces (some I've forgotten I ever knew) that keep flashing past.

Friends, loves, acquaintances, could-be's, have been's.

But one thing that never fails to repeat is that everyone is moving ahead.

How I'd like to be in an utopian world; to meet and smile at every face I remember, to reminisce the good times and gloss over the bad times, to recreate memories in the present and to dream of the future. No pain, all gain.

It's a good feeling, and yet too much of an indulgence. Because I keep forgetting reality.

And as "Who Am I" plays in the background, even more emotions jolt my mind.

HopeRP, a turbulent, passionate affair that ended way too abruptly, just as how I relied exclusively upon myself and the strength I've never had. But I don't regret being apart of it.

Once again I am amazed at the many ways God can soothe us and bring us more than peace.

Which contrasts sharply with the feeling of dread and fear I felt as I was lying half comatose on the floor in exhaustion or the eerie trembling atmosphere from barely ten minutes ago.

And how do we know He is real?

We believe in every slightest superstition of ill omens, malevolent spirits and yet struggle to come to terms with the existence of a being that is entirely opposite and exclusive character-wise.

Such is the jarring irony.

And today as I recline comfortably on my seat, I believe once more.

It was real, that voice that said, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be provided for you." A paraphrase on my part.

And once more, at no cost to me, I am loved. I am saved.

And You remind me I'm not the nothing that I thought I was.

I'll fight the demons with You, now that I can see them.

But only on Your command.