#22 Courage

I can't remember why I thought of starting with the title, suffice to say that I don't have any.

Took the effort (and boy was it big) to shop for birthday presents because this year is a big year for dragon year babies. Yet for once I bought most of what I wanted in spite entering the shopping centre clueless about what I wanted to buy. Breakthrough!

But on the way home, I thought back about all the other peoples' presents I have missed out whether due to stinginess (Excuse: not much money in the bank left!) or forgetfulness and regretted. Such a self-defeating attitude. I didn't have an answer to myself and I don't have one now, but I'll just ignore it for now.

And in thinking about my own upcoming birthday I started to see a dichotomy in my decisions and therefore myself; One part of me wanted to party to the maximum, and yet another wanted to disappear for just that one day.

All in the same moment in time I felt I wanted to know and be known, and yet wanted to hide and be at a distance.

Sometimes I feel stifled by my time-cultivated self-defense mechanism; of turning into a block of wood emotions-wise whenever I meet something I decided I couldn't overcome. Others would call that running away.

And then I stare at that challenge, treat it like a problem, and magnify/multiply it. And as I consume myself in nihilistic negativity, there's nothing left but my problem.

And thats where I concentrate on other peoples' problems. Because my problems seem insurmountable, I look at those of others and try to solve them. If the problems disappear, I feel slightly better, but only momentarily. And then I look at myself and the vicious cycle continues...

My problem is me.