#79 Me

Because its my birthday tomorrow, so I'm obliged to give a birthday speech. I shall do one here, and another tomorrow. Here I go:

I've been an obstinate, selfish, insolent, impudent, ill-mannered brat, but I should never have gone so far as to be an ingrate. I have failed to honour my dad with my past post (and others). No matter what has transpired, I should not have been so willful. I repent, because he is my father and I love him just as I know he loves me, no matter the circumstance.

Just want to thank my cell group and the various friends (you don't know how much you mean to me even if you think you do), acquaintances (you don't know how much you mean to me in spite of what I have/have not done, even if you think you do), who have made prints in my life, whether for joy or for grief. Each and everyone has contributed to making who I am today. One thing struck me as I thought back on what Jun Wei & Jun Chen shared to me today, and that is the love offering in the form of a present. While my pride still hurts, I have a choice to make in regards to how to receive the gift; joyfully or in negativity. I choose to take it in joy.

Likewise, if there were things I regret today, it is this,

1. I regret not inviting the people who have hurt me. Not so I can embarrass them, but because as I walked home I felt compassion for them and for myself. Till now I've never been able to rise above my emotions, and take myself so seriously that I can't seem to forgive. But I want to, because I don't want the negativity to fester like a cancer, and simply because I am a child of God.

2. My grandmother cannot be here for my birthday. She is by far one of whom I most deeply respect. Born into a well-to-do family, growing up into a life of poverty and hard work, but coming out winning the battles by tenacity and force of will. What strikes me the most is in spite of the tough exterior, deep inside is a woman who really loved us for who we are and not what we can do. She'd give the good things for us and take the leftovers, and I really couldn't do anything for her. All I have for her tonight, is my deep respect and love, which I hope somehow is conveyed to her.

This is going to sound weird: I can't say how tomorrow will turn out, but I can say that I feel extremely blessed to be living in Singapore, to have the community of friends and family around me who really care in spite of my flaws, and I will do my best to enjoy myself. I say this because in all my frustration through the past week, I've thought of cancelling everything and disappearing into my shell.

But that's not going to happen now, thanks to everyone, especially my dear Father above who with just one testimony through the Candlelight Service, caused me to chuckle to myself and say," That's a low blow, Dad," and realise the folly of my anger.

And I thank the Lord for that. :)

#78 As I Was Thinking Through

I realise I should have just laid out the cards on the table and be honest with myself and to anyone who cares.

Such a drastic emotional change from yesterday's uplifting mood.

The reason why my birthday celebration is so screwed up is, apart from my lousy planning skills, that my finances are extremely tight. $200-kind-of-tight.

And I can't add anymore in because for the past 6 months, I've been living on $3 on a day, including any extra costs like taxis, offering, entertainment (L4D2 etc.) I get by with a $50-150 supplement from my mom depending on how broke I am that month.

I specifically chose the first chalet location for its price, so when that failed, I didn't have any other options which could fit in the budget.

And so I dragged and dreaded the day; I still do, and have this very tempting idea of doing a no-show. But I can't.

Which begs the question, "Why can't you ask your parents for money?"

Not my mom, I don't want to, because she has enough expenses to take care of.

My dad? That just brings up a whole can of worms I don't have the energy to explain.

Just know that I didn't choose this current location for myself.

Oh and, "Why can't we bring presents?"

Because my initial vision for the birthday dinner is summed up in these five words, "I just want to serve." I really just want everyone to enjoy and catch up on that night, no need to pay, nothing to buy (especially after all so many birthdays already), no strings attached.

Now after this morning it starts to look more like a social responsibility and the vision's gone to pot after a few turn of events, I think I'd just angry seeing presents, or even a birthday cake.

#77 Having A Massive Headache Planning

Warning, the next few words are going to be pretty strong;

I SUCK at planning & I HATE planning my birthday celebration. It's given me massive headaches & sleepless nights trying to think of the whole "where to find a place, how to confirm the attendance & how much $$$ to prepare".

And STILL I'm not done with everything.

How I wish I can sleep my day through and let the 20th skip on to the 22th. No worries, just like that. (I'm probably going to be spammed with miss calls and smses AND get many many people pissed at me.)

But still I really have to thank Staff Tock & the other TRMC dudes for the birthday bash for me (and Mr Jeffrey). The karaoke was top-notched fun (thanks to a can of Tiger; I get high easily, & my own hyperactivity that comes out randomly).

Still quite guilty that the timing, and chalet planning failed, and I practically wasted many people's time (especially Darryl's hard-earned offs/leaves). The whole communication system was a fiasco and a complete failure, and the Xiao gang are, unfortunately, not involved in the 21st's dinner. & the wonderful Hopies. Hope no one gets mad enuff to kill me. =/

Grrrr. I want to firefight to my best but, the bed calls. Because tomorrow I have support duty at Expo early in the morning.

Darn.

P.S. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, Zong Han & I have a surprise. It's going to be awesome. ;)

#76 Bam!

How surreal, the train trip home. I'm not sure how to explain it but I gradually appreciated the time on my own to just pray in my heart for peace and courage. It's never been my strength.

I kind of felt like a king after yesterday's vocal exam, but today's performance made me come back down to earth. Though it dampened my confidence, I saw the danger I was getting into, and was mentally reminded of not falling into the temptation of performing for glory. I was pretty confused and struggling within between wanting to contribute and wanting to enjoy what I was performing my way.

I guess I have to thank Marc for giving me a choice out of my discomfort.

Seems I really need a paradigm shift.

#75 Questions

The answers are elusive. So much seems to be demanded yet so little effort seems put in. I stress the "seems", giving the benefit of doubt because I simply do not know.

I seriously think the whole thing is going to end up a waste of time. Couldn't we have at least discussed it first?

How I feel like just disappearing tomorrow.

Poof. Just like that.

#74 Sorry If I Feel/Sound So Distant

Big things, small things keep happening.

I'm not exactly feeling down but it isn't helping my general outlook.

Thankfully the weekend is here, even though the damage's done.

*Edit*

Sometimes I feel so stupid, volunteering to take the rap and do the time in place of others.

It's just in-built in me, but what sucks hard is when I get shot in the back while doing so.

I should have trusted my instincts instead of giving the benefit of doubt and second-guessing my impressions for over half a year.

It's funny how people take so long to realise that actions speak louder than words.