#136 CRAZY!

On 17 June I posted on my Facebook that I'm in need of my kbox fix.

11 days later, I realised I've gone on 4 Kbox outings with 1 more coming up tomorrow and another 2 more yet to be scheduled.

I think I'm starting to get sick of it already. Need to learn new songs.

When it rains, it never drizzles. It pours. :S

Oh please tell me.

#135 In The End

Above all, You are my strength.

It's not going to be easy but it's never impossible.

Let's go.

#134 TGIF & Home Sweet Home!

So glad to be home. CG's just over an hour later though, so no time to catch a quick nap.

Flash back to the morning: It start with a drizzle, quickly culminating into a deluge. And so I walk-ran through the rain from Joo Koon to camp. Drenched is not the word to describe it. It was kind of exhilirating; I miss the Life Run's with Sasi & Meng How. :(

And so the rest of the day I felt kind of stone-faced. Must have dozed off more than 20 times. Forgot to do so many things, such as buying a new shirt to wear home. I ended up re-wearing the still wet shirt and jeans home. Yuck!

#133 Thursday

Yet another arrow. I'm close to getting used to it. So close. Come closer...

Rushed off to help out with chair arrangements. Managed to reach in time to help out one terrace but that's about it. Had to rush off straight after. Looks like time really isn't on my side. But I'm glad I went because it actually inspired me. The camaraderie brought renewed levels of energy my spent body could never have imagined. Thank God! :D

Wish I could have helped more though.

Met the Ocean Butterfly people for steamboat *whines about price*. It was a good catch up time; We'd not met since at least 2 weeks ago after the conclusion of Intermediate. And so I was determined not to break the promise to meet.

Left the steamboat place smelling like fish though.

It was really fun on hindsight. :)

#132 Do I Really Look Like A Zombie?!

Took a day's leave to just rest. Examined the cuts and bruises in my life and dug out old hurts that have resurfaced. I've fallen short. But still You are faithful.

Thank you for the heads up from Junwei, Jun Chen and then Jason.

You have many plans for me but my heart first has to be right and ready to receive.

Take away that which destroys and bring to me a whole new life.

I smile once more. :)

#131 lolwut?

Combine clueless with awkward. You'll get insecurity. :S

I wish there were a WWJD pill. Fire is never comfortable, but that's where I'll learn the perspective of eternity. I am weak and You are strong. And You shall make me strong.

And thank you for the ninja-prayer Marc. I call it that because I was so caught off-guard during cell. :) It meant a lot when I know you care beyond, beyond just saying you do.

No more being emo-superhero. No more being sour grapes or making reactive decisions.

I've always wondered in my heart why I seem to have extra special grace upon me whenever, wherever. And it is especially evident when mistakes are made. Today, sitting in S1 listening to Pastor Tan, watching my logic crumble to dust where the Word stands in its place, I know why.

And when the world stares us down, when the walls come falling, when righteousness is welling up, I'll remember that You've done it first. You've chosen mercy over judgement.

P.S. Oh and, three more things.

1. Toy Story 3 is a must-watch. I held back my tears. So embarrassing!

2. It's official. $14 spent to watch 3D. Couldn't see any difference between that and 2D except for the blur without the 3D glasses. Thank God for my cousin's treat. :)

3. Watch Toy Story 3, I insist.

#130 Let Me Be Stronger

And remove that complaining spirit within me. Let my self-righteousness shatter. Let me put more into doing and less into whining.

And let that searing feeling fade and victory come back into my heart.

#129 Wednesday

When excitement dies down, peace sets in.

I don't feel so "edgy" (to borrow a word) now. :)

Even today, I know that God is with me and for me.

And I may be silly but that doesn't stop Him from loving me.

#128 WOOHOO!

That was random. *Lets out another guttural scream*

Thanks Jed for the BS yesterday. And how long has it been since I last talked to Annie & Aaron? Surprise, surprise. And (so many "and's") after 1 & 1/2 years commuting to and from Jurong Point area, I finally realise that there is a:

1. Jurong Medical Centre
2. Jurong Library

In the vicinity. What a total n00b.

Was refreshed by the teaching. The basics may be elementary, but if we do not even build right our foundation, our fall will be great. I'll learn to delight in the Lord! :)

Arrows (in camp) come freely this week but they are not insurmountable. I spent 1/2 hour whining and 1/2 hour completing the work. I guess the lesson I've learnt is, even if it isn't your job, if you do it, you learn something and the job gets done in optimum time.

Even if you whine, you still have to do it. And if you don't, well, the repercussions (though unfair), are there.

It's alright. 181 days remaining!

#127 Rawr!

I'd love to blog more. :(

Didn't make it for Saturday's service thanks to my laziness. Have to admit it. :(

But at least I managed to get the cell group birthday card for Liyun out. Thank God for my mom. I had the idea but without her execution the card would have looked like a kindergarten kid's art piece. No offense to them (the kindergarten kids) though.

And so I slept at 2am, woke up at reporting time on Sunday, and cabbed down. Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm a lousy time-keeper! :(

After the dust settled at around 1pm, I went off alone feeling really really physically tired. And the feeling sucked bad when you have that overwhelming "lack of sleep" feeling. Kept feeling like an emo superhero all day. Thank God for Him, I managed to come out with the occasional smile by refocusing on happy thoughts! :D

And so Sunday ended and Monday came. I'm not sure why, but I was super energised during breakfast time! I guess in spite of all that introverted-ness, there's still a tiny part of me that really appreciates crowds in the form of friends. And so some of us had quite a laugh at the Ops Room rest area (forgot the official term) during breakfast as I related my Primary & Secondary school crushes and how they ended. (All hilariously unsuccessful!) Everyone was saying what a wuss I was! :S

One thing that really stuck with me from Pastor Phil Pringle's sharing on Sunday was this;

If it's funny afterwards, it's funny right now.

Our human instinct is to be afraid in times of uncertainty. But yet the Bible tells us that in no uncertain terms (pun intended!) that everything has been provisioned and is according to God's plan. It might be a struggle but the best way to approach a challenge is to see it in a victorious retrospect, to see that it has been overcome.

Funny how I don't feel that way when it comes to certain areas of my life. And so, mould me.

#126 In Testing My Patience You Gave Me Peace

But there's so much more to improve. And I'll smile today because of You.

I've been waking up early each day for no apparent reason. Seems my body likes to rouse 1/2 hour before my alarm clock rings. And I spend the next 45mins hovering in and out of restless sleep. But that's alright; Thank God its Friday!

But making birthday cards *groans* is not my forte. I need creativity and a steady hand!

I hope I can make it for Jurong West service tomorrow!

#125 It's Kind Of Sad

I'm surprised too, that I'll be sad that my AO's leaving the unit; He's transferring to another position elsewhere, off to greener pastures hopefully. And while I've saw him as a friend and all, we have our differences and working with him has been a roller coaster. At the end of the day, however, I'm glad that, well, I've had this officer and friend to work with.

I've always had this issue with sentimentality. I never usually say it because the times when I really feel that way, I can't really speak. I guess that's because guys can't really multi-task as well as girls can. But really, a great thank you, Mr Edwin, to the times in TRMC and for that last super mega awesome lunch treat at Sakura International Buffet! :)

So, sir, it's been awesome knowing you and best wishes for your future endeavours. And may you have marital bliss! :D P.S. All through the later half of the day I've had a song ringing in my head as this heavy feeling resides in my mind (for lack of a better description). I can't remember it right now though.

And for myself, I'm only left with 6 months. It's a scary thought wondering what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, after having the many growing phases of my life pass me by just like that. But at the same time, it's learning how to let go of the past and spring forth into the future with confidence that builds our character. Because if we always live for past glories, we'll never amount to be the person that we were meant to be, that God wants us to be.

And so when the time comes for me to finally leave, I'm really praying that I'll be able to say proudly that it has been a wonderful time here, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to many good years ahead (as Jason puts it).

And so I'll end this entry here, for the moment. Maybe I'll get back to it, maybe I'll just move on.

#124 The Day Of Reckoning

Is tomorrow. Exam time! And I am not at all confident achieving my best results because I haven't been practising too consistently. Plus I'm super tired. Blame it on my lack of self-control. Need. To. Stop. Gaming. Playing catch-up is not fun. :(

But it's all fine; I'm looking forward to a night of karaoke with the cousins on Wednesday and then consecutive administrative duties on Thursday, Friday & the following Monday. I'm quite glad; that pretty much clears up my duties for the month. One of my madam calls me crazy for being happy at doing duties. =P

I want to draw ever nearer. Strengthen my personal resolve to run after You.

And You know what I want. If it is Your will, then let it be so. If not, then I praise You anyway, for You know the best. :)

#123 The Week That Passed

Has been a long, mentally arduous week. But still, I thank God for the smile He has put in my heart. And I know that people care and I am blessed with guardian angels all around.

But I'm about to get all emo. Kidding.

Warning, what is written next is purely personal and reflects only my own one-dimensional view of the things in my life. It is in no way an objective view of the things that have happened.

This past 2 days have been much merry-making; Celebrated my cousin, Evelyn's (a.k.a. Sotong) 21st birthday on Saturday, as well as attended my newborn nephew, Sean's one month old celebration. Deep inside, though, I feel so troubled. More on that later.

I'm not really a social animal; I prefer sticking to myself while singing songs alone, so I couldn't really mix around initially. Funny right? Since we should have been well-gelled together. It's just... me. :(

It hasn't been long since I've blogged about my father, and while I am thankful for him and for even having a father, I guess I feel so restricted at times. But first and foremost I really have to thank God for His salvation; Only recently did I truly feel like my own person, and not a puppet. I don't feel as weak-willed as before. I don't feel like when dad speaks, I shut up or when dad scolds, I give up and withdraw into my shell.

Because you see, parents want so much for us to shine and achieve greatness. But that greatness they desire in us may not be what we truly want. And that's the problem I've been having. And that's the problem my family's been facing all this while.

Okay, this is going deep, in a personal sense.

I keep seeing families going on holidays together, having time to meet each other and stuff, children getting what they want, or at least some of what they want. But that's just fine, I don't mind not having what I haven't had. But what really hurts my heart is when your dad goes all out to make others happy, to give a good present/red packet for someone else's birthday, to insist on paying for the whole karaoke session with the extended family and then when you get home, gives you leftovers. Or prepares a buffet for the extended family, gives his staff the off, and then gets the immediate family to help out in everything, only to give them a public scolding when they make mistakes in front of the extended family.

Oh come on.

We're not part of the company. We're not drawing from the payroll. We're not even volunteers! It hurts because time and time decisions are made for us, rules set for us which we have no control or knowledge about and then force-fed upon us.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I love him till the point I don't mind sacrificing my life for him if it would make everything all be better right now. But this just... sucks. But how do we say it? On one hand, we know he's busy trying to make ends meet for the family, working hard. But on the other hand, we feel totally neglected emotionally. Each time he reaches home there's a 50% chance I'm going to get a lecture on the things I have neglected or done wrong, or that I'm lazy or weak-willed, immature, don't know what I'm doing with my life or just plain insipid. (Okay maybe not the insipid/stupid part but you get the point.)

Cut. Enough. Time out.

In spite of all that diarrhoea, I know that I'm more than a conqueror. I just need to vent. But there's so much the devil's waiting to dig up from my past, so much of my weak points that he wants to attack.

And so, like Jed has mentioned, I will have to guard my heart. This week's not going to be easy either. But you know, after today, I'm only just going to become stronger. Because the God I know will deliver. And while Pastor Kong is fighting the good fight, waging the spiritual war for the church, I will fight my personal battles in tuned with the Spirit.

Above all, I thank You for people. No man is an island. And when two or more come together that's where You are. My dreams, my wants, my desires can wait. We will wage war, temper our characters, fortify our patience and then we will receive the rewards! :)

P.S. It's not even half of what I intended to write. But that's enough. It's enough.

#122 The Week's Come To An End

But I don't know whether to be happy or sad. This week seemed like a wasted week on hindsight. Not much progress in personal development. :(

But slowly everything's going back to normal routine, though deep down I know, the fire still burns!

I wonder what the future holds for us. *Deep in thought*

Still, I'm glad I can serve! :D

Son: Good night, pa.

Dad: Good night, son.

#121 Shattered

The cuts hurt. A lot.

But Reagan refused to cry. He couldn't. And yet deep within him he wept far harder than he ever thought he could. Deep within him, the tears flowed freely. Deep within him, where no one could see, where no one was supposed to see, he truly felt like something had died.

'Get lost! Go away, I don't want to see you ever! You're making things awkward!' She had screamed in frustration and revulsion, leaving him confused. Never mind that he was all beaten up and bloodied. He couldn't, in the first place, understand why she'd to leave. Why she'd allowed them to manhandle him was not even on his mind.

And yet he couldn't let go. She'd loved him once, he believed. She could love him once more.

He remembered the first signs. 'I'm sorry, I tried but I failed. I... It all just keeps coming back whenever I see him. I can't be with you anymore, I'm sorry.' How he chose to believe in spite of the cracks, time spent reassuring her, letting her know he'd always be there. He tried to ask her what was wrong. She never spoke a word.

The bathtub began to overflow.

It was all too perfect, Reagan knew. And yet deep inside of him he wished it were real, that their love was true and would last the test of time. He had made a pledge, he had tried his best and he had been living out his promises all this while. Until now.

He'd met her by chance, at the hotel where they worked. It was just like a fairytale; two kindred souls who happened to share a tea break during one of the lull times. Both were part-timers just looking to earn some extra pocket money. He thought he'd found more.

Reagan winced as the memories flooded back. He'd not known, even now, what had happened and somewhere inside of him, he knew he'd been taken for a ride all this while, only to be dumped when he'd outlived his usefulness. But still he loved.

Why? Why do you leave? Why does that face, once smiling so sweetly, now cast such a pernicious glare?

It didn't matter now. Reagan closed his eyes and breathed his last.

****

Writer's Note

First of all, its a story, the inspiration of which came from a tale written by some dude with free time in NS. I merely borrowed a situation and let the ending develop on its own as I wrote.

It's not real, I'm not trying to be an emo-superhero. I just... want to get back to writing once more. And what better than to start with the genre (for lack of a better word) I'm so familiar with: emo-sob stories.

P.S. I know I'm bad at descriptive words when it comes to the backdrop. ~_~

#120 Suddenly Felt Like Posting Something Corny

Something along the lines of, "We cannot choose what happens to us but we can choose our actions".

Darn, that fails.

I'm going to skim through the past few days so it shouldn't be too long!

Asia Conference was igniting through the past week. Its way beyond awesome.

Monday was boring paperwork in the early part and a cosy, comfy dinner gathering in the night. And I bet the jokers (Ah Peck, Lychee, John Ma, Dennis, Bo Chun) had awesome fun! Sorry I couldn't make it for the kbox after. Was feeling bleah *sticks out tongue* and so I left with Bo Chun for a good early night's sleep. Just in time.

I struggled to wake up on Tuesday but we managed to get to Prayer 365. And how timely it was! We're the first CG in the Zone to be able to pray for the Church ever since the incident on the news. And that's about all that I will comment regarding the investigations. Thanks Marc for the trip to and fro!

Okay that was short. Relatively, considering how long the past posts have been. :)

*Stomach rumbles* Time for some breakfast. :D
HELLO WEDNESDAY