But I'm about to get all emo. Kidding.
Warning, what is written next is purely personal and reflects only my own one-dimensional view of the things in my life. It is in no way an objective view of the things that have happened.
This past 2 days have been much merry-making; Celebrated my cousin, Evelyn's (a.k.a. Sotong) 21st birthday on Saturday, as well as attended my newborn nephew, Sean's one month old celebration. Deep inside, though, I feel so troubled. More on that later.
I'm not really a social animal; I prefer sticking to myself while singing songs alone, so I couldn't really mix around initially. Funny right? Since we should have been well-gelled together. It's just... me. :(
It hasn't been long since I've blogged about my father, and while I am thankful for him and for even having a father, I guess I feel so restricted at times. But first and foremost I really have to thank God for His salvation; Only recently did I truly feel like my own person, and not a puppet. I don't feel as weak-willed as before. I don't feel like when dad speaks, I shut up or when dad scolds, I give up and withdraw into my shell.
Because you see, parents want so much for us to shine and achieve greatness. But that greatness they desire in us may not be what we truly want. And that's the problem I've been having. And that's the problem my family's been facing all this while.
Okay, this is going deep, in a personal sense.
I keep seeing families going on holidays together, having time to meet each other and stuff, children getting what they want, or at least some of what they want. But that's just fine, I don't mind not having what I haven't had. But what really hurts my heart is when your dad goes all out to make others happy, to give a good present/red packet for someone else's birthday, to insist on paying for the whole karaoke session with the extended family and then when you get home, gives you leftovers. Or prepares a buffet for the extended family, gives his staff the off, and then gets the immediate family to help out in everything, only to give them a public scolding when they make mistakes in front of the extended family.
Oh come on.
We're not part of the company. We're not drawing from the payroll. We're not even volunteers! It hurts because time and time decisions are made for us, rules set for us which we have no control or knowledge about and then force-fed upon us.
Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I love him till the point I don't mind sacrificing my life for him if it would make everything all be better right now. But this just... sucks. But how do we say it? On one hand, we know he's busy trying to make ends meet for the family, working hard. But on the other hand, we feel totally neglected emotionally. Each time he reaches home there's a 50% chance I'm going to get a lecture on the things I have neglected or done wrong, or that I'm lazy or weak-willed, immature, don't know what I'm doing with my life or just plain insipid. (Okay maybe not the insipid/stupid part but you get the point.)
Cut. Enough. Time out.
In spite of all that diarrhoea, I know that I'm more than a conqueror. I just need to vent. But there's so much the devil's waiting to dig up from my past, so much of my weak points that he wants to attack.
And so, like Jed has mentioned, I will have to guard my heart. This week's not going to be easy either. But you know, after today, I'm only just going to become stronger. Because the God I know will deliver. And while Pastor Kong is fighting the good fight, waging the spiritual war for the church, I will fight my personal battles in tuned with the Spirit.
Above all, I thank You for people. No man is an island. And when two or more come together that's where You are. My dreams, my wants, my desires can wait. We will wage war, temper our characters, fortify our patience and then we will receive the rewards! :)
P.S. It's not even half of what I intended to write. But that's enough. It's enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment