#26 Back To School

Vocal lessons start next Tuesday. A huge thanks to Meng How for accompanying me to the school. I was terrified even before i stepped in the building. Without that moral support I'd probably hyperventilate into a coma before going about getting the brochure, the information needed as well as the desire to sign up. What a penchant for brevity.

Had a good long talk with Sharon after ages of not meeting. Spent part of the time reminiscing about the past, catching up on each other's lives, talking about my elder brother (with me hinting to her that he's available) as well as general complaining about my life.

#25 This Is The Best Time To Start Praying

Because I'm livid with rage. I'm surprised I've been seething subconsciously since afternoon time. Since that pointless encounter. And that's at least 4 hours ago.

Perhaps it's the impassionate mask that I've honed over the years.

Perhaps it's also why I'm repeating my playlist.

Perhaps.

#24 The Irony

Here's a typical day in my house. The characters are Ken (my bro) and myself (Wui).

Ken: (looks into the sink and sees some unwashed dishes) Wui, you didn't wash your dishes.

Me: Yeah, I'll wash them later.

Ken: How long later?

Me: (a bit irritated) Why don't you wash them for me then.

Ken: ...

A few hours later, when I go to the sink to wash the dishes, I see another set of dishes Ken had used but did not wash.

Me: ... (Suck thumb and wash).

#23 Watching Me From Myself

I don't ever want to do that anymore, at least not excessively, not consciously so. Because it just drags me down the mud. A pointless go-around that comes full circle into self-pity.

And so I will talk about the past, the present and the future in a more positive note. If not all the time, at least for one post.

Yesterday was amazing. I've always thought I'd be fine seeing familiar faces and so when I accepted the invitation to Zephanie's birthday celebration yesterday, I was looking to a more positive start.

But I guess you can't just erase that distance in spite of it being unintentionally created. I'm talking about an uneasiness meeting Hopies since leaving Hope.

When I reached the function room, I was caught winded by the rising feeling of uncertainty. Fast forward to the end, things were very much better. Because just as you can't erase that distance, so can you not erase the memories that have been made going through it all.

I'm not good with words when it comes to expressing my thanks over the efforts to make me feel more comfortable. So this is as big a thank you I can muster. I only hope it is enough. :)

Thanks Pei Xin, Zephanie, Donald, Nehemiah, Jen, Xueting, Jenny, Jiamin and the few others I got to know there. Sorry if I don't remember your names.

I don't regret ever going to Hope, knowing God and serving, in spite of the brevity of the moment.

In fact I'm glad people are doing well. It really was a surprise hearing about Richard and Jolene.

Through it all, I wish well for Hope RP.

I'm happy where I am, but I'm even more happy hearing about Hope. :)

#22 Courage

I can't remember why I thought of starting with the title, suffice to say that I don't have any.

Took the effort (and boy was it big) to shop for birthday presents because this year is a big year for dragon year babies. Yet for once I bought most of what I wanted in spite entering the shopping centre clueless about what I wanted to buy. Breakthrough!

But on the way home, I thought back about all the other peoples' presents I have missed out whether due to stinginess (Excuse: not much money in the bank left!) or forgetfulness and regretted. Such a self-defeating attitude. I didn't have an answer to myself and I don't have one now, but I'll just ignore it for now.

And in thinking about my own upcoming birthday I started to see a dichotomy in my decisions and therefore myself; One part of me wanted to party to the maximum, and yet another wanted to disappear for just that one day.

All in the same moment in time I felt I wanted to know and be known, and yet wanted to hide and be at a distance.

Sometimes I feel stifled by my time-cultivated self-defense mechanism; of turning into a block of wood emotions-wise whenever I meet something I decided I couldn't overcome. Others would call that running away.

And then I stare at that challenge, treat it like a problem, and magnify/multiply it. And as I consume myself in nihilistic negativity, there's nothing left but my problem.

And thats where I concentrate on other peoples' problems. Because my problems seem insurmountable, I look at those of others and try to solve them. If the problems disappear, I feel slightly better, but only momentarily. And then I look at myself and the vicious cycle continues...

My problem is me.

#21 Camp On A Friday + Duty

Bittersweet. Because it's a Friday I'm especially delighted. But the duty kind of dampens the mood because it makes my weekend come later. But I'm thankful that I already get a lot more time out of camp compared to other sorry souls, I mean stay-in NSFs.

Visited the medical officer to get a referral for a Full Body Checkup because of the recent stomach related problems and he gave me an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Sweet.

Only two, no, three problems:

1. It's at a certain hospital I'm biased against, because of a very personal incident.
2. It's in July, when I'm already half way to oblivion right now, enduring the problem.
3. I didn't get any medicine to relieve my suffering. :'(

So from now (May) till then, I guess I'll... I don't know...

Rawr! I wanna go home... NOW!

#20 Half The Week Is Past

And don't know what to write simply because I don't know what not to write.

Someone once commented (I paraphrase) that blog's are by nature public space and therefore a bad place to write deeper inner thoughts. Back then I agreed to a certain extent, because everyone has these deeper inner thoughts, so while they may seem unsafe to be voiced out, it really is just raising up the common difficulties and challenges.

But today my self-consciousness dictates I keep it to myself, at least for another time.

How I wish I could blog out in melody and lyrics.