#50 Breathe.

Breathe deep...

Aiya not like that la! Your stomach must expand, expand!

Like this... *breathe*

Yes that's right! Now continue breathing!

*After a few minutes*

Hyperventilate.

That was exactly how I felt just now.

I even almost fainted during one of the exercises because I breathed in too much and too quickly and failed to expel the remaining air.

But even so, the lesson was awesome. :)

Oh, and there's this ache in my right kidney area.

Oww.

#49 Because I Don't Know What To Title This

And because I don't know where to start.

So I'll start with something random.

Bleh.

*Starts entry*

More and more frustration comes in the office as people take MC to moonlight, take MC on duty day or get into unnecessary trouble, in turn costing the rest of us trouble.

And so the pot tries to call the kettle black.

Recently, I have been asking myself, why do I keep thinking about friends I want to repeatedly reach out to.

Today, I'm definitely sure it's because I care for them and want to see them well.

Of course, not receiving any reply for weeks is frustrating, plus the fact that not receiving a reply indirectly means they probably find it irritating.

However, I'll be a little dense, a little thick-skinned until they tell me to stop. Once a week, once a week.

Because waterfalls are made through persistent wear and tear over tireless streams of water.

#48 F-F-F-First Blood!

CYC's birthday bash was a success! Glad you liked it and glad I could contribute through the food. :)

And so I let Yong Ren get first blood on the satay, since he mentioned that he hadn't eaten it in a long time.

It was too bad I couldn't stay over; at least I got to sleep and go for service the next day.

The only thing I sort of regret is getting so drunk. I mean, I could still walk straight and stuff, but my eyes were bloodshot, my face was red as a tomato and I had this hangover the next day. =/

Also had a mini celebration cum dinner at my dad's restaurant the previous day for an early birthday celebration for Heng Yu's 22nd and Elaine's 23rd.

I must admit, there were a few screw ups, but on the whole, well lets say, if they're happy, I'm happy too.

And so today, I lay on my bed semi-conscious, struggling to get out of bed. I finally reached Jurong East station half an hour late, dazed.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

#47 There's This Thick Atmosphere All Around

That I've been feeling the past week. It isn't really depression or something.

It's more like, "let's get down to some serious people business".

But in past nights (after that weird incident some of you know) if I walk home alone after 12am, I'd pray/worship out loud as I made my way home.

Today I just had that heck-care-because-I-don't-have-the-energy-to-be-disturbed attitude. It was amusing when I reach home and didn't really feel the palpable sense of fear I usually felt.

It was good.

But then other challenges come into mind and I feel I need to pray more.

I need a spiritual time-out.

Oh and today's a brother's birthday, someone whom I do not have the courage to wish. Because even though I bear no ill feelings, I cannot reconcile the fact that I was expected to make promises in the tight schedule I had.

And so we drifted away.

I guess its all the more easier this way.

#46 Its The Middle Of The Week

Ups and downs all week.

But prayer takes away the bite and puts a calming peace.

I'll need more consistency and a thick enough skin to ignore negativity and project positivity.

My tests came back this morning; given a clean bill of health. However, my body doesn't seem to agree. Oh well.

I just felt a need to shout out. It feels good to do so sometimes.

#45 I Like This Quote From A Favourite Show Of Mine

*Pointing ahead*
"He is Stronger."
"I am Strongest."

Grant me the wisdom that I may put across unpleasant truths with tact and sensitivity.

Because from the responses, I can't gauge what is "going too far" and what is "speaking in moderation".

It isn't healthy to be ignoring people all the time.

It simply shows a lack of courage to face circumstances.

As I am, so I know.

#44 How Utterly Amazing

The mistakes that I have made, are made against me ten-fold, all at once.

Ignoring calls/smses,
Empty promises,
Saying the opposite of what we think,
Doing a disappearing act.

What an explicit example of having "a taste of my own medicine".

Which is why I cannot complain.

And I ask to be able to overcome them.

In spite of my emotions.

It seems that recently, two categories of friends have popped out, competing for attention;

1. Those who are always there to ask for help, but never to help.

2. Those who are always there to help, but never willing to receive help.

For those of the former, it pains me when they wallow in self-pity (and I struggle not to follow in their steps) and dig a bigger and bigger hole each time. Because words have failed us when the words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I feel the whole conversation is a sham; a thinly veiled attempt to justify self-abandonment.

For those of the latter, they're a real rare, although equally frustrating, breed. Because I can't help but question, what am I to them? Am I a friend, or just someone to help, indirectly to boost their ego, as they help and feel of use?

Because a friendship is two-way. I cannot keep giving because I'll dry out.

Neither can I keep receiving, because I'll feel overwhelmed negatively.

And I'd like to ask, what friend selectively chooses the topics to reply on?

Is that even a friend, or just an activity mate?

I don't need to hear an answer by words, just actions.

And please, please, please, please, please,

When you say you'll run the race, don't do it half-heartedly, or for the sake of a promise.

Because it's your own life, your own end.

Please be the men your IC says you are.