#119 On This Night, A Good Wind Blows

I finally get it. To get people to smile from their heart, I have first got to smile from my own heart.

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I'm ashamed, you know, after 5 days of Asia Conference, of serving and receiving and being really impacted, the first thing I really want to blog about is something totally unrelated.

And sometimes I struggle with what I can post on my blog, because it is, after all, a public place. This is especially so for what I am about to post next. But no matter how much I hem and haw, I guess I really just want to pen it down, to let it loose from clogging up my heart.

This was on the train. How rare that I get the chance to really dream while awake. To just get lost in my thoughts and being saturated by the bittersweet thoughts as they rush by. To be magically uplifted and be filled so full in the heart, brimming with joy and then to be, in the next moment, be left utterly in want, in desperation, in insecurity. I'm talking about what we call interpersonal love.

(How do I put it in words, I wonder?) At the stage of a newly ignited feeling, I "made use" of that emotion and channeled to God, to bring my love for Him to a higher level. I began to remember my First Love and what it really meant to me, for I was dead at that time. But yet, after about one and a half months, the feeling of interpersonal love (not to God, oh gosh, I so don't know how to put this into words) has grown to a certain point.

And it is at this same point where time and again in the past, I have done the only thing I have known with regards to this area of my life after having lived for 21 years.

To crush it. To ground it to dust and let it fade away. Why, because I fear. I am terrified. I do not for any reason wish to stay any longer in a state of uncertainty. I guess I still have not totally given up this area in my life to God.

However I cannot coherently explain the rationale behind this but I do know that I don't want to do so any longer (to destroy hope before even trying). But its tempting. It sure is. It's like I know so little and yet feel so much. I understand so little and yet hope for so much.

Oh, what exactly am I trying to say?

A dash of colour

Contrasting pallor

A racing heartbeat

Pacing the concrete

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It's like I caught the Spirit as I passed by on my way home after the train ride. I was listening to my mp3 player and the next moment I felt this urge to pray in the Spirit. And as I took off my mp3 player and started praying, I could hear other people praying along from a unit above me, at the block I was walking past home. What a magical feeling.

And I firmly believe in Matthew 6:5-6.

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Self esteem, self concept. Today's preaching by Dr A. R. Bernard was alien to my uninitiated mind, but I thank God for being present. Because it opened up horizons, thought processes in my mind that I never knew could exist. And the paradigm shift is an empowering experience. I want to receive the full impact of what was preached into my life.

I want. I can. I will. This is, after all, the generation.

#118 So Much To Say

And yet I can't find the words.

Serving has been tough, waking up has been tougher and yet at the end of each day I find myself thanking God for the opportunity to be there.

Mom came for Reinhard Bonnke's sermon. I was really hoping for her arms, legs and spine to be healed. But one thing that I really brought away is this; God uses anyone and everyone, not just a "Big Man". And so even as there wasn't a healing altar call, I took the chance to pray for her. Just a little seed. Just a spoken word. But the Holy Spirit has been hovering ever since the day of Pentecost, waiting only for the word to be spoken for miracles to be unleashed. And I want to believe that.

Use me, I said. Even if I tremble within.

And I noticed that I smiled much more this whole Asia Conference than all the time I've served as an usher in normal service, in spite of the tiredness. There's just so much fulfillment in what I am doing and I'm really thankful for the wonderful people around me who made it happen.

(On to a thanksgiving list; it's going to sound churchy!)

Thanks to an awesome CGL in Marc, who visited me in a time when my heart was calloused and closed. (Luke 11:8 Persistence)

Thanks to an awesome brother in Zong Han, who somehow through persistence got through to me and encouraged me.

Thanks to an exemplary TL in Ariel, who inspired me in her joy and understanding, never giving up!

Thanks to the various people in CG, such as Joson and Boon Ping (and many more I have not named) who completely wow me when I see them so eager to receive in spite of being young in the Lord. Truthfully, it is the little children that will inherit the Kingdom of God.

Even if it seems so, It's not without struggles or temptations each day of the Conference. Because as the days past, I feel more and more inclined to take time off and come later, or skip the next day totally just to do the things that I want to do or to relax. I feel like my body is spent and I feel like a good long sleep would be in order. But all these things just fade away when I remembered the promise I made in my heart; I will fling myself with the last ounce of my strength to receive, just as the woman with the issue of blood had done so many years ago.

And even though I do not have a pressing, wasting illness, my disease is being weak and insignificant, lacking in contribution to this world. But if I can just make a little difference, then that's all that I desire.

But still I have this tiny, little thing that I am asking of God. And I pray it will be answered soon. Pretty please?

#117 Awwwwwesome!

Asia Conference. It's massive, it's beyond mind-boggling. We're meeting Him once more.

Stopped a short while to get some rest and top up my physical and spiritual fuel tank at home so I can serve, serve, serve some more!

Okay, time's up!

#116 My God Is Mighty To Save

This week has been a pretty horrid week. But God has saved the week. :)

I'm tired as anything but I'll not lay down my head to rest just yet. Still got the rest of the day to finish!

I'll share more later. :)

#115 I Feel Old & Emo

It's a bittersweet thing.

Little Sean Tay has arrived and I am officially part of the previous generation of Tay's.

And as Evelyn hits her 21st birthday the following Monday, I realise albeit late, that wow, time sure flew. The last time I checked, we were still playing Nintendo on National Day, laughing at the 20-somethings.

You see, I've been an uncle (as in nephew/niece-uncle and not cock-eye, thick glasses, can't see further than the bridge of my nose uncle) since 10 years old I think. But well, when a close cousin of mine finally has a kid of his own, somehow, something inside of me just goes into disarray. I still feel like a kid. :(

And then I... OH MY GOSH! I forgot the planned makan session tomorrow night!

Gosh, my memory's real bad. :(

I've been a bad, bad boy. No more blog for tonight.

#114 Open Up The Floodgates

Oh boy. Emotion wells up as I send gospel songs to Zong Han for his new Iphone.

Songs of praise and worship, fragments of beautiful memories from 4 years ago.

How ashamed I feel. :(

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You Laid Aside Your Majesty - Noel Richards

You laid aside Your Majesty

Gave up everything for me

Suffered at the hands

Of those You had created

You took all my guilt and shame

When You died and rose again

Now today You reign

In heaven and earth exalted

I really want to worship You, my Lord

You have won my heart and I am Yours

For ever and ever

I will love You

You are the only one who die for me

Gave Your life to set me free

So I lift my voice to You in adoration

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Reminds me why I love worship so much.

It's been a long time coming.

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How Can I Keep From Singing - Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

In the darkest night

For I know my Saviour lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing You'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your Love

How can I keep from shouting Your Name

I know I am loved by the King

And It makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me , Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

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Who remembers? Who feels the same way like I do when I worship?! Who feels that overflow of emotion that when you sing, you don't just breathe words but deep inside something happens?!

Who remembers care group RP at 8pm, being provided the room by the grace of God and crying out with all our hearts?! Who remembers singing off-key, making joyful noise and yet knowing deep down that the tune doesn't matter?!

Maybe once upon a time, when I was hurting, I locked it all up, the memories. But now I remember. I remember it crystal clear.

That is why I sing.

#113 You Know What Can Really Get Me Down?

Uncertainty. Self doubt. Being Wronged.

Now, you know what can really get me high? Thanking God for the simplest things.

And of course, seeing people smile. :)

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Just yesterday, as I went to buy lunch-dinner from the nearby chai peng stall I was having a chat with the stallholder lady (A little history here: this same lady sold chai peng at the coffeeshop near my house when I was still a little kid with cock eye. Meaning my eyes looked into the middle). Suddenly, she brought up the topic of my grandmother and asked if I missed her. She also mentioned that my elder brother was my granny's favourite grandson.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about this awesome lady in my life who suffered many trials, gone through many hardships, hardened herself because of life, but still managed to love my family in spite of the pain and suffering. Now I cannot share what she has gone through but believe me, just thinking about it can set me halfway to depression.

And you know, for a moment there, I was just a wee bit jealous that I wasn't her favourite grandson. And if there were any chance for me to do something for her right now, I'd do it. But as it stands, the book has already closed and I can only pray that I'll meet her up in heaven.

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Recently, God put into my heart two breakthroughs in my vocals that will be coming my way. Because of that, I can get excited simply thinking and remembering the sounds. Which makes me feel so weird. But who cares, right? It's personal! :)

And I hope I get the chance to use it powerfully. Just wait. ;)

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And you know, I've got a good feeling about the days ahead. Let me cling on to it longer. :)