She's one year older on Good Friday. Surprised her with a birthday cake today; my elder brother's idea. I was surprised too, because my brother has a tendency to remember only himself most of the time, even though he occasionally pulls such stunts that make people go "awwww".
I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.
My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.
And so I started to keep to myself.
Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.
The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.
I guess I just don't trust enough.
Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.
For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.
I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.
In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.
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