#45 I Like This Quote From A Favourite Show Of Mine

*Pointing ahead*
"He is Stronger."
"I am Strongest."

Grant me the wisdom that I may put across unpleasant truths with tact and sensitivity.

Because from the responses, I can't gauge what is "going too far" and what is "speaking in moderation".

It isn't healthy to be ignoring people all the time.

It simply shows a lack of courage to face circumstances.

As I am, so I know.

#44 How Utterly Amazing

The mistakes that I have made, are made against me ten-fold, all at once.

Ignoring calls/smses,
Empty promises,
Saying the opposite of what we think,
Doing a disappearing act.

What an explicit example of having "a taste of my own medicine".

Which is why I cannot complain.

And I ask to be able to overcome them.

In spite of my emotions.

It seems that recently, two categories of friends have popped out, competing for attention;

1. Those who are always there to ask for help, but never to help.

2. Those who are always there to help, but never willing to receive help.

For those of the former, it pains me when they wallow in self-pity (and I struggle not to follow in their steps) and dig a bigger and bigger hole each time. Because words have failed us when the words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I feel the whole conversation is a sham; a thinly veiled attempt to justify self-abandonment.

For those of the latter, they're a real rare, although equally frustrating, breed. Because I can't help but question, what am I to them? Am I a friend, or just someone to help, indirectly to boost their ego, as they help and feel of use?

Because a friendship is two-way. I cannot keep giving because I'll dry out.

Neither can I keep receiving, because I'll feel overwhelmed negatively.

And I'd like to ask, what friend selectively chooses the topics to reply on?

Is that even a friend, or just an activity mate?

I don't need to hear an answer by words, just actions.

And please, please, please, please, please,

When you say you'll run the race, don't do it half-heartedly, or for the sake of a promise.

Because it's your own life, your own end.

Please be the men your IC says you are.

#43 I Guess

At times even I tire from the lame/joker personality that has come upon me. I'm not sure why, but everytime I try to switch "modes" I go into either the former, or a dark brooding mood.(otherwise known as "emo")

I guess it is as frustrating as others who tire of my constant gibberish.

Today I faltered in my faith. I guess I'm a little tired after all the hubbub and a little confused at how things are going. Try as I might (and my willpower is weak) I cannot seem to go full steam ahead on victorious living.

Thank God for a timely change of status quo for two brothers that are dear to me but for their sakes I am keeping them anonymous.

Of course there are many more brothers and sisters (whether in Christ or not) who I care for but have often times taken for granted.

I'd like to change, I'd like to be less irritating. It's a genuine request, because I don't like to see myself that way, in spite of the smile I am putting up. And yes it bothers me, very much.

And tomorrow, Jason's heading in to have a nice hair cut and a 2 week resort stay at the exclusive Tekong Chalet. I wish him well.

Don't worry, I won't screw up the marination or CYC's party.

Humility is coming, in double doses. Elisha.

Pray for me.

#42 I Love My Dad

I love him in spite of all the decisions I feel he should have made differently, just as how he loves me in spite of the wrong decisions that I have made, whether or not I am aware of them.

I got up abit miffed because of all the drilling work happening just outside my house (lift upgrading works). On reaching the first floor of my house, I heard some complaining by my elder brother. After hearing him repeat it about 3 or 4 times, I totally lost it.

To cut a long story short, I retorted in belligerent verbosity, even though my brother's outburst had nothing to do with me, but my mom, a reaction that surprised even myself in my state anger.

I'm still not sure how to explain it, so I shall do my best;

I was seeing the mistakes that my dad made in my brother, and was hurt and angry that he was learning the same. In my misguided attempt to change things, I made an even bigger mountain out of a molehill by scolding, retorting and in general challenging my brother unreasonably.

It got so bad until I broke down in tears.

I guess somehow I went up to my room, lay down and really thought hard, as mom comforted me. The whole episode reeked of self-righteousness on my part, and even though I love my family and didn't want things to get worse, I really went out of line this time.

And as I type this, I realise that in spite of what I feel, I cannot 100% say that my dad is wrong in certain decisions that he made, just that I do not approve of them.

In spite of that, I love him just the same, just as I know he loves me.

And I want to somehow find a way to reach him through proper two-way communication, in spite of not knowing how or when it will happen.

Because if family can't even point out each other's mistakes, who will?

I can only pray for the courage and wisdom to accept constructive criticism myself.

#41 Experience

Tiredness can cause people to decide to settle for less than what they ought to have received.

It was almost the case today; I was physically drained out that when I reached home, I really did not want to head out, even to the Church Bible Study.

So after procrastinating and delaying, I finally got up and went out, reaching just before everything started.

As I brisk walked in, I felt an instant invigorating sense of relief. I was almost uncertain if I would reach on time.

And the rest as they say, is history.

Because God is real, very real, in my life. You've got to experience Him to believe it.

#40 Facing Challenges

They're tough, they threaten to overwhelm, and they make us feel like fleeing with our tails between our legs.

Which is why we've got to stand and fight them.

Already I am seeing a deja vu; I am seeing a battleground fought in times gone by, and of battles lost in fear, disbelief and inconsistency.

And I want to claim in belief that this time round the outcome is different.

The enemy will be routed and we will be victorious.

Even in the midst of fighting on many fronts (sleep deprivation, spiritual warfare, family situations, state of the house, NS etc) there can be focus. All it takes is a sensitivity to the priorities at different stages.

And because priorities change, so must we adapt.

Do not fight the same fear with the same pattern of thought. Step out and grasp fear in the hand through prayer. There may be bloodshed, but none who soldier on will lay in defeat.

For in turning tail we find defeat, but in facing fears we find the courage to succeed.

I think therefore I am. I know because He is.

Pray, pray and pray more still.

#39 Double Post!

Because I'm so excited and overjoyed at having my first vocal lesson!

Thankfully my classmates are mostly around the 17-22 range (half guys, half girls), sing awesomely (mostly, and better than me by far) and are a friendly bunch.

I was shaking mad when the teacher got us to sing a chorus from a song we chose in front of the class of around 13 with everyone as the audience.

And it was totally impromptu!

I screwed up big time and forgot my lyrics.

Thankfully, because of the whole nature of the presentation, I'm secure that that is my worst singing performance ever.

Which means that things can only get better!

I'm looking forward to next Tuesday's lesson.

P.S. 3 different pieces of homework to do on the first day!

Great, because homework means progress!

Even though I haven't had homework since, like, forever.