#16 Mom's Birthday

She's one year older on Good Friday. Surprised her with a birthday cake today; my elder brother's idea. I was surprised too, because my brother has a tendency to remember only himself most of the time, even though he occasionally pulls such stunts that make people go "awwww".

I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.

My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.

And so I started to keep to myself.

Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.

The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.

I guess I just don't trust enough.

Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.

For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.

I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.

In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.

#15 Ever So Often

I'm reminded by the fading/faded, beautiful past.

I put on my earphones and immerse myself in nostalgia as memories resurfaced, lightly flirting with familiar tunes.

Sometimes I think of happy thoughts, others bring back that crippling, gripping fear, or despair.

When that happens, its very much a unique situation; I'm enraptured and yet not at all involved.

I feel I'm looking too inwardly. Because, as a memory from before reminds me, disappointment comes with not realizing that the present is but a portion of an ongoing process. And I am not the centre; merely a gear in the engine.

Merely, misleadingly, but that I'll leave for another time.

And once more, I yearn to receive once more that simple, child-like ability to love, to trust, to let go and fly free. Because growing up has put much inhibition, distraction and doubt on my persona.

And then, there's this house that I live in that needs tending to; that I ignore and overlook daily.

Sometimes I feel so uptight, so strained and squeezed dry, that I'd just like to disappear.

But until that day comes, until my time has ended, I still be living, breathing, discovering, learning and hoping.

I know I'm not good enough. That's why I'm never alone.

Even when I feel alone.

#14Everyday A Rush

This is the part I am reflective.

I finally took the conscious effort to read Ps Kong Hee's blog to update myself on sister (? I don't know how to properly refer to her) Sun Ho's medical condition.

Boy was I shocked at what I read. Want to know more? Go www.konghee.com/blog (sorry the link doesn't work).

Please do remember to pray for her too!

This week flew past pretty quickly. The work came fast and furious, but I've realised I've unknowingly fallen in love with the work. I'm not sure how it happened, but I guess it helped when I kept a positive attitude in spite of my natural aversion to cheap labour. Then, I guess, things just changed inside.

Blessed that in spite of the workload I had lots of excess time; time spent on QT and memorising the 5 Acts verses. I usually am good at memorising short verses. This time though, the task seems impossible. Everytime I feel I've memorise it, I realise I forgot everything. Must be a reason behind it...

I'm surprised at a few things in camp.

1. My relationship with my colleagues, the regulars and my boss has improved tremendously. I feel so blessed! For example, usually my CO lets the duty clerk wait for him till he finishes. Today, when he heard I was the duty clerk, he told me he would be leaving around 6.30-7pm at first, after some thought. I had the impression he wanted to stay longer but thought otherwise. Then, a few minutes later, he came out and told me to leave first and get the people staying over to lock up for me, mentioning that he could be there till much later. People say that it's all part of the benefits of being a CO PA. I don't agree. You can be a CO PA and stuck up and people will get sick of your character and personality pretty quickly, or you can be nice and people take advantage at the start, but see what you truly are after a while.

2. I shared my testimony to two camp mates rather unintentionally. It first started with a camp mate, Mike asking me about Holy Spirit baptism and speaking in tongues. Another friend got interested in the conversation (albeit negatively, it seemed to me) and started asking me leading questions; questions with a hook. I readily admitted I did not have the answers that he needed, but shared my testimony, why I believed what I believed in the simplest of terms and urged him to experience before coming to a conclusion. There seemed much tension within him, disbelief, but I felt something different. As I spoke, my voice changed from a defensive tone, to a reconcilatory one. But if there's but one takeaway, it is this; I have to know more. Much more.

I've not kept my promise to Darryl to sms him every night to update him. Don't have the discipline. It's kind of hard pushing myself to do all these things; totally opposite from the me I have known. But it's a necessary sacrifice. I'm going to do what I can.

This is the part I go ballistic.

I seem to be grasping at time. 3 months have passed so quickly! So much things I haven't done, so much things I've missed out because of a lack of self-discipline and planning!

And that occasional thought of my granny. It's been 8 months but it still feels like yesterday. I don't see her in the ICU in my mind anymore but I can't ever seem to dream a dream where she's happy. Each dream ends in either a stalemate or a nightmarish ending.

I don't seem to be succeeding with ballistic.

Oh no, I'm getting negative! God, give me a positive direction to look to, to work for and to believe in!

Because I don't want to miss the point.

#13 o_O

I wonder what makes good, restful sleep. Because it seems nowadays I get weird, even freakish dreams, bordering on the line of nightmares.

Psychedelic.

Had just one such dream this morning. A bit embarrassing/disconcerting to describe but it made me feel so claustrophobic, but at the same time could only be described as packing an adventure. The downside to this whole experience was that I woke up late, felt like I worked through the night and acquired a bad headache through the day.

I kind of enjoyed my day in camp doing the most boring of tasks; clicking slides in a meeting, not because of the task but the content involved. It is amazing coming into the army and actually hearing bits (though I don't really get all of it) and pieces of adventure we only read of in novels.

And more and more I'm convinced the value of a situation is dictated by the attitude we take as we confront it.

*Psychos himself, then goes to memorise the 5 verses once more*

#12 Today, Saturday

I'm 37 mins late as I type this post because it's already Sunday.

But that's beyond the point.

Today I finish the medication that causes drowsiness.

However, I found out (with lots of pain) why another set of antibiotics pills are directed to be taken with or after food. How? This is how:

Part 1, the night before, I took a pill before going to bed as directed. However, I did not eat any food along with it. I spent the next 45 minutes writhing in abdominal pain on bed.

Part 2, I took another pill 12 hours later, expecting to be taking my lunch soon. Within 2 minutes, I felt a slight ache in my stomach. Within 15 mins I was out of breath. By 30 mins I could barely walk. Somehow, though, I managed to meet Ben and grab lunch. And that solved it.

And then the day's events blurred past me.

It's quite a shame how every single ounce of happiness can be pushed away by a single bad experience/instance. Once again, I magnified the problem and minimized God.

So on the way back home, I asked myself, "Give me a reason why I should continue inviting and believing in someone who has betrayed, made use of and now even heaped sarcasm on me?"

Finding no answer, I asked God the same question, for a verse in reply.

"Haven't you done the same before? How different then are you?" came the simple answer.

"Fair enough," I thought. "Fair enough."

Once again, I'm humbled. Because it's not about the situation, but how I react to it.

P.S. I found the answer for myself; because I want to believe.

#11 The Past Week

Lots of thoughts rushed through my mind as I thought back on the week's passing;

Some hopeful, some ignoble, some happy, others not so.

But the one thing that came through was this; the moment I let down my guard, I found myself spiraling back into the pit I crawled out before. I'm talking about about sin. About laziness, about trying to escape from the reality of my problems, about putting on a brave front, about not doing my best at work.

It may not seem significant to any other. But that's just how quirky my mind is.

In brokenness I went back to seek Him. Guilt, anguish over my lack of self-discipline, I released it all.

But at what cost? The week feels wasted.

May I never live another week like that.

John 5:8 Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

And so I walked. Out of that pit once more.

****

Listening to songs on my laptop brings back interesting thoughts. I'm addicted to music; I mentally associate each familiar piece with a situation, an incident, be it funny, sad, crazy or just pure weird.

Love songs; they bring such a torrid rush of emotions. Bittersweet. Magical even.


Things to be grateful:
1. Concern from my boss and a free 1/2 day off to rest.
2. Concern from friends who check on me; very much appreciated! :)
3. The visit back to Hope, it was as much an enjoyable day as it was a cathartic experience.
4. Old HopeRP brothers and sisters slowly coming back together as one. Just a bit more!
5. For the big plan of which I'm a part of.

#10 Longing For A Buddy

Reminder to myself before starting the entry:
1. Don't forget the Xiao gang

(I know it's repetitive but) It has become my habit each day I wake up to mentally repeat reminders to myself because of how easy our mind lets slip of the important stuff.

Okay, on to the entry.

As I started, two ideas for getting across my plea (if you would call it) popped in my head.

1. To do it advertisement style.

2. To do it the old-fashion style.

Think I'll do it the 3rd way; without style.

Kidding.

But in all honesty, my longing is nothing trivial.

Because stepping out to know God more intimately, reaching out to people and being more caring (I try at least), constantly reminding myself to reflect on my weaknesses, is not at all an easy task, even insurmountable if I ever feel alone.

And so I long for a buddy who:

- Can grow with me at a similar pace so we can challenge each other
- Spiritually shares the same fire, the same burden for people
- Care for people and each other
- Remind me of my blind spots, my inclination to legalism or my apparent lack of EQ
- Providing reminds to keep in check my tongue

Because in putting in effort there will be disappointments, discouragement and obstacles.

But before that happens, I want to be insulated from all these, because we cannot be spending all our time solving problems; we have to be prepared for at least some of them.

Being a follower of Christ often requires self motivation and self criticism. Being a contemporary Christian is even more challenging as we strive not just to keep ourselves in check, but stay relevant in present times.

As such, we are sometimes looked upon as defilers of the religion (though a relationship is what it is) or a desecration of principles when more traditional believers look uncomfortably at us as we seem to adopt ungodly practices in our effort to stay relevant. Non-believers, on the other hand, sometimes find our evangelism and fervour beyond natural and even fanatical.

And natural it is not, because our belief, our fervour, our hope is rooted in daily effort and discipline to know Him more. And we fall short. We're not perfect. But, we, try.

Surely this is standing between the living (believers) and the dead (unbelievers)? I might be pushing it a little but this reminds me of

Mark 13:13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

And then there's tomorrow.