#22 Courage

I can't remember why I thought of starting with the title, suffice to say that I don't have any.

Took the effort (and boy was it big) to shop for birthday presents because this year is a big year for dragon year babies. Yet for once I bought most of what I wanted in spite entering the shopping centre clueless about what I wanted to buy. Breakthrough!

But on the way home, I thought back about all the other peoples' presents I have missed out whether due to stinginess (Excuse: not much money in the bank left!) or forgetfulness and regretted. Such a self-defeating attitude. I didn't have an answer to myself and I don't have one now, but I'll just ignore it for now.

And in thinking about my own upcoming birthday I started to see a dichotomy in my decisions and therefore myself; One part of me wanted to party to the maximum, and yet another wanted to disappear for just that one day.

All in the same moment in time I felt I wanted to know and be known, and yet wanted to hide and be at a distance.

Sometimes I feel stifled by my time-cultivated self-defense mechanism; of turning into a block of wood emotions-wise whenever I meet something I decided I couldn't overcome. Others would call that running away.

And then I stare at that challenge, treat it like a problem, and magnify/multiply it. And as I consume myself in nihilistic negativity, there's nothing left but my problem.

And thats where I concentrate on other peoples' problems. Because my problems seem insurmountable, I look at those of others and try to solve them. If the problems disappear, I feel slightly better, but only momentarily. And then I look at myself and the vicious cycle continues...

My problem is me.

#21 Camp On A Friday + Duty

Bittersweet. Because it's a Friday I'm especially delighted. But the duty kind of dampens the mood because it makes my weekend come later. But I'm thankful that I already get a lot more time out of camp compared to other sorry souls, I mean stay-in NSFs.

Visited the medical officer to get a referral for a Full Body Checkup because of the recent stomach related problems and he gave me an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Sweet.

Only two, no, three problems:

1. It's at a certain hospital I'm biased against, because of a very personal incident.
2. It's in July, when I'm already half way to oblivion right now, enduring the problem.
3. I didn't get any medicine to relieve my suffering. :'(

So from now (May) till then, I guess I'll... I don't know...

Rawr! I wanna go home... NOW!

#20 Half The Week Is Past

And don't know what to write simply because I don't know what not to write.

Someone once commented (I paraphrase) that blog's are by nature public space and therefore a bad place to write deeper inner thoughts. Back then I agreed to a certain extent, because everyone has these deeper inner thoughts, so while they may seem unsafe to be voiced out, it really is just raising up the common difficulties and challenges.

But today my self-consciousness dictates I keep it to myself, at least for another time.

How I wish I could blog out in melody and lyrics.

#19 I'd Like

For greater mental fortitude.

Sometimes I wonder why I have so little to share at times, yet so much to give at others.

Take for example tonight. Mom asked me if I could help out with the laundry. On other days, I'd do it without much thought. Today though, there was much inner strife within. I desperately wanted to just do it to honour my parents (sometimes, I do enjoy doing the laundry, it being a break from staring at the computer), and yet deep down there was this feeling of being totally spent emotionally.

I'd love to be more of a giver, but tonight I find that I have little left to provide.

And deep down I claw mentally at mundane things, at "my" time, "my" freedom, "my" finances, knowing that despite it all, nothing's really mine.

But yet music still soothes my troubled psyche.

For the moment.

如果爱 张学友

每个人 都想明白
谁是自己生命不该错过的真爱
特别在午夜醒来 更是会感慨
心动埋怨还有不能释怀
都是因为你触碰了爱

如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉

哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱

如果你 当时明白
后来的生命里是快乐还是悲哀
特别在夜深人静时想起未来
是否能平静不会想现在
只是因为你拥有了爱

如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉

哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待

如果这就是爱
如果这就是爱

#18 4W 1H

Because this post is so overdue.

I laugh at myself; spite myself because of my weaknesses. And my weaknesses are many.

I'd like to take up singing lessons as a hobby. =/

Okay that was random.

Don't have much to say except that I had a particularly naughty dream yesterday night/this morning.

To think I KO'ed upon reaching home yesterday.

Wonder where my brain got the energy to drift around.

From where I stand, its nigh impossible humanly to be positive. So I guess I'll just be ignorant.

Random fact I feel I should be ashamed of:

I'm addicted Kamen Rider Decade. Even though it makes a mockery of the stories of the last 9 years' series.

#16 Mom's Birthday

She's one year older on Good Friday. Surprised her with a birthday cake today; my elder brother's idea. I was surprised too, because my brother has a tendency to remember only himself most of the time, even though he occasionally pulls such stunts that make people go "awwww".

I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.

My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.

And so I started to keep to myself.

Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.

The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.

I guess I just don't trust enough.

Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.

For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.

I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.

In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.

#15 Ever So Often

I'm reminded by the fading/faded, beautiful past.

I put on my earphones and immerse myself in nostalgia as memories resurfaced, lightly flirting with familiar tunes.

Sometimes I think of happy thoughts, others bring back that crippling, gripping fear, or despair.

When that happens, its very much a unique situation; I'm enraptured and yet not at all involved.

I feel I'm looking too inwardly. Because, as a memory from before reminds me, disappointment comes with not realizing that the present is but a portion of an ongoing process. And I am not the centre; merely a gear in the engine.

Merely, misleadingly, but that I'll leave for another time.

And once more, I yearn to receive once more that simple, child-like ability to love, to trust, to let go and fly free. Because growing up has put much inhibition, distraction and doubt on my persona.

And then, there's this house that I live in that needs tending to; that I ignore and overlook daily.

Sometimes I feel so uptight, so strained and squeezed dry, that I'd just like to disappear.

But until that day comes, until my time has ended, I still be living, breathing, discovering, learning and hoping.

I know I'm not good enough. That's why I'm never alone.

Even when I feel alone.