For greater mental fortitude.
Sometimes I wonder why I have so little to share at times, yet so much to give at others.
Take for example tonight. Mom asked me if I could help out with the laundry. On other days, I'd do it without much thought. Today though, there was much inner strife within. I desperately wanted to just do it to honour my parents (sometimes, I do enjoy doing the laundry, it being a break from staring at the computer), and yet deep down there was this feeling of being totally spent emotionally.
I'd love to be more of a giver, but tonight I find that I have little left to provide.
And deep down I claw mentally at mundane things, at "my" time, "my" freedom, "my" finances, knowing that despite it all, nothing's really mine.
But yet music still soothes my troubled psyche.
For the moment.
如果爱 张学友
每个人 都想明白
谁是自己生命不该错过的真爱
特别在午夜醒来 更是会感慨
心动埋怨还有不能释怀
都是因为你触碰了爱
如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉
哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱
如果你 当时明白
后来的生命里是快乐还是悲哀
特别在夜深人静时想起未来
是否能平静不会想现在
只是因为你拥有了爱
如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉
哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱
如果这就是爱
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
#18 4W 1H
Because this post is so overdue.
I laugh at myself; spite myself because of my weaknesses. And my weaknesses are many.
I'd like to take up singing lessons as a hobby. =/
Okay that was random.
Don't have much to say except that I had a particularly naughty dream yesterday night/this morning.
To think I KO'ed upon reaching home yesterday.
Wonder where my brain got the energy to drift around.
From where I stand, its nigh impossible humanly to be positive. So I guess I'll just be ignorant.
Random fact I feel I should be ashamed of:
I'm addicted Kamen Rider Decade. Even though it makes a mockery of the stories of the last 9 years' series.
I laugh at myself; spite myself because of my weaknesses. And my weaknesses are many.
I'd like to take up singing lessons as a hobby. =/
Okay that was random.
Don't have much to say except that I had a particularly naughty dream yesterday night/this morning.
To think I KO'ed upon reaching home yesterday.
Wonder where my brain got the energy to drift around.
From where I stand, its nigh impossible humanly to be positive. So I guess I'll just be ignorant.
Random fact I feel I should be ashamed of:
I'm addicted Kamen Rider Decade. Even though it makes a mockery of the stories of the last 9 years' series.
Friday, April 10, 2009
#16 Mom's Birthday
She's one year older on Good Friday. Surprised her with a birthday cake today; my elder brother's idea. I was surprised too, because my brother has a tendency to remember only himself most of the time, even though he occasionally pulls such stunts that make people go "awwww".
I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.
My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.
And so I started to keep to myself.
Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.
The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.
I guess I just don't trust enough.
Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.
For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.
I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.
In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.
I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.
My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.
And so I started to keep to myself.
Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.
The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.
I guess I just don't trust enough.
Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.
For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.
I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.
In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
#15 Ever So Often
I'm reminded by the fading/faded, beautiful past.
I put on my earphones and immerse myself in nostalgia as memories resurfaced, lightly flirting with familiar tunes.
Sometimes I think of happy thoughts, others bring back that crippling, gripping fear, or despair.
When that happens, its very much a unique situation; I'm enraptured and yet not at all involved.
I feel I'm looking too inwardly. Because, as a memory from before reminds me, disappointment comes with not realizing that the present is but a portion of an ongoing process. And I am not the centre; merely a gear in the engine.
Merely, misleadingly, but that I'll leave for another time.
And once more, I yearn to receive once more that simple, child-like ability to love, to trust, to let go and fly free. Because growing up has put much inhibition, distraction and doubt on my persona.
And then, there's this house that I live in that needs tending to; that I ignore and overlook daily.
Sometimes I feel so uptight, so strained and squeezed dry, that I'd just like to disappear.
But until that day comes, until my time has ended, I still be living, breathing, discovering, learning and hoping.
I know I'm not good enough. That's why I'm never alone.
Even when I feel alone.
I put on my earphones and immerse myself in nostalgia as memories resurfaced, lightly flirting with familiar tunes.
Sometimes I think of happy thoughts, others bring back that crippling, gripping fear, or despair.
When that happens, its very much a unique situation; I'm enraptured and yet not at all involved.
I feel I'm looking too inwardly. Because, as a memory from before reminds me, disappointment comes with not realizing that the present is but a portion of an ongoing process. And I am not the centre; merely a gear in the engine.
Merely, misleadingly, but that I'll leave for another time.
And once more, I yearn to receive once more that simple, child-like ability to love, to trust, to let go and fly free. Because growing up has put much inhibition, distraction and doubt on my persona.
And then, there's this house that I live in that needs tending to; that I ignore and overlook daily.
Sometimes I feel so uptight, so strained and squeezed dry, that I'd just like to disappear.
But until that day comes, until my time has ended, I still be living, breathing, discovering, learning and hoping.
I know I'm not good enough. That's why I'm never alone.
Even when I feel alone.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
#14Everyday A Rush
This is the part I am reflective.
I finally took the conscious effort to read Ps Kong Hee's blog to update myself on sister (? I don't know how to properly refer to her) Sun Ho's medical condition.
Boy was I shocked at what I read. Want to know more? Go www.konghee.com/blog (sorry the link doesn't work).
Please do remember to pray for her too!
This week flew past pretty quickly. The work came fast and furious, but I've realised I've unknowingly fallen in love with the work. I'm not sure how it happened, but I guess it helped when I kept a positive attitude in spite of my natural aversion to cheap labour. Then, I guess, things just changed inside.
Blessed that in spite of the workload I had lots of excess time; time spent on QT and memorising the 5 Acts verses. I usually am good at memorising short verses. This time though, the task seems impossible. Everytime I feel I've memorise it, I realise I forgot everything. Must be a reason behind it...
I'm surprised at a few things in camp.
1. My relationship with my colleagues, the regulars and my boss has improved tremendously. I feel so blessed! For example, usually my CO lets the duty clerk wait for him till he finishes. Today, when he heard I was the duty clerk, he told me he would be leaving around 6.30-7pm at first, after some thought. I had the impression he wanted to stay longer but thought otherwise. Then, a few minutes later, he came out and told me to leave first and get the people staying over to lock up for me, mentioning that he could be there till much later. People say that it's all part of the benefits of being a CO PA. I don't agree. You can be a CO PA and stuck up and people will get sick of your character and personality pretty quickly, or you can be nice and people take advantage at the start, but see what you truly are after a while.
2. I shared my testimony to two camp mates rather unintentionally. It first started with a camp mate, Mike asking me about Holy Spirit baptism and speaking in tongues. Another friend got interested in the conversation (albeit negatively, it seemed to me) and started asking me leading questions; questions with a hook. I readily admitted I did not have the answers that he needed, but shared my testimony, why I believed what I believed in the simplest of terms and urged him to experience before coming to a conclusion. There seemed much tension within him, disbelief, but I felt something different. As I spoke, my voice changed from a defensive tone, to a reconcilatory one. But if there's but one takeaway, it is this; I have to know more. Much more.
I've not kept my promise to Darryl to sms him every night to update him. Don't have the discipline. It's kind of hard pushing myself to do all these things; totally opposite from the me I have known. But it's a necessary sacrifice. I'm going to do what I can.
This is the part I go ballistic.
I seem to be grasping at time. 3 months have passed so quickly! So much things I haven't done, so much things I've missed out because of a lack of self-discipline and planning!
And that occasional thought of my granny. It's been 8 months but it still feels like yesterday. I don't see her in the ICU in my mind anymore but I can't ever seem to dream a dream where she's happy. Each dream ends in either a stalemate or a nightmarish ending.
I don't seem to be succeeding with ballistic.
Oh no, I'm getting negative! God, give me a positive direction to look to, to work for and to believe in!
Because I don't want to miss the point.
I finally took the conscious effort to read Ps Kong Hee's blog to update myself on sister (? I don't know how to properly refer to her) Sun Ho's medical condition.
Boy was I shocked at what I read. Want to know more? Go www.konghee.com/blog (sorry the link doesn't work).
Please do remember to pray for her too!
This week flew past pretty quickly. The work came fast and furious, but I've realised I've unknowingly fallen in love with the work. I'm not sure how it happened, but I guess it helped when I kept a positive attitude in spite of my natural aversion to cheap labour. Then, I guess, things just changed inside.
Blessed that in spite of the workload I had lots of excess time; time spent on QT and memorising the 5 Acts verses. I usually am good at memorising short verses. This time though, the task seems impossible. Everytime I feel I've memorise it, I realise I forgot everything. Must be a reason behind it...
I'm surprised at a few things in camp.
1. My relationship with my colleagues, the regulars and my boss has improved tremendously. I feel so blessed! For example, usually my CO lets the duty clerk wait for him till he finishes. Today, when he heard I was the duty clerk, he told me he would be leaving around 6.30-7pm at first, after some thought. I had the impression he wanted to stay longer but thought otherwise. Then, a few minutes later, he came out and told me to leave first and get the people staying over to lock up for me, mentioning that he could be there till much later. People say that it's all part of the benefits of being a CO PA. I don't agree. You can be a CO PA and stuck up and people will get sick of your character and personality pretty quickly, or you can be nice and people take advantage at the start, but see what you truly are after a while.
2. I shared my testimony to two camp mates rather unintentionally. It first started with a camp mate, Mike asking me about Holy Spirit baptism and speaking in tongues. Another friend got interested in the conversation (albeit negatively, it seemed to me) and started asking me leading questions; questions with a hook. I readily admitted I did not have the answers that he needed, but shared my testimony, why I believed what I believed in the simplest of terms and urged him to experience before coming to a conclusion. There seemed much tension within him, disbelief, but I felt something different. As I spoke, my voice changed from a defensive tone, to a reconcilatory one. But if there's but one takeaway, it is this; I have to know more. Much more.
I've not kept my promise to Darryl to sms him every night to update him. Don't have the discipline. It's kind of hard pushing myself to do all these things; totally opposite from the me I have known. But it's a necessary sacrifice. I'm going to do what I can.
This is the part I go ballistic.
I seem to be grasping at time. 3 months have passed so quickly! So much things I haven't done, so much things I've missed out because of a lack of self-discipline and planning!
And that occasional thought of my granny. It's been 8 months but it still feels like yesterday. I don't see her in the ICU in my mind anymore but I can't ever seem to dream a dream where she's happy. Each dream ends in either a stalemate or a nightmarish ending.
I don't seem to be succeeding with ballistic.
Oh no, I'm getting negative! God, give me a positive direction to look to, to work for and to believe in!
Because I don't want to miss the point.
Monday, March 23, 2009
#13 o_O
I wonder what makes good, restful sleep. Because it seems nowadays I get weird, even freakish dreams, bordering on the line of nightmares.
Psychedelic.
Had just one such dream this morning. A bit embarrassing/disconcerting to describe but it made me feel so claustrophobic, but at the same time could only be described as packing an adventure. The downside to this whole experience was that I woke up late, felt like I worked through the night and acquired a bad headache through the day.
I kind of enjoyed my day in camp doing the most boring of tasks; clicking slides in a meeting, not because of the task but the content involved. It is amazing coming into the army and actually hearing bits (though I don't really get all of it) and pieces of adventure we only read of in novels.
And more and more I'm convinced the value of a situation is dictated by the attitude we take as we confront it.
*Psychos himself, then goes to memorise the 5 verses once more*
Psychedelic.
Had just one such dream this morning. A bit embarrassing/disconcerting to describe but it made me feel so claustrophobic, but at the same time could only be described as packing an adventure. The downside to this whole experience was that I woke up late, felt like I worked through the night and acquired a bad headache through the day.
I kind of enjoyed my day in camp doing the most boring of tasks; clicking slides in a meeting, not because of the task but the content involved. It is amazing coming into the army and actually hearing bits (though I don't really get all of it) and pieces of adventure we only read of in novels.
And more and more I'm convinced the value of a situation is dictated by the attitude we take as we confront it.
*Psychos himself, then goes to memorise the 5 verses once more*
Saturday, March 21, 2009
#12 Today, Saturday
I'm 37 mins late as I type this post because it's already Sunday.
But that's beyond the point.
Today I finish the medication that causes drowsiness.
However, I found out (with lots of pain) why another set of antibiotics pills are directed to be taken with or after food. How? This is how:
Part 1, the night before, I took a pill before going to bed as directed. However, I did not eat any food along with it. I spent the next 45 minutes writhing in abdominal pain on bed.
Part 2, I took another pill 12 hours later, expecting to be taking my lunch soon. Within 2 minutes, I felt a slight ache in my stomach. Within 15 mins I was out of breath. By 30 mins I could barely walk. Somehow, though, I managed to meet Ben and grab lunch. And that solved it.
And then the day's events blurred past me.
It's quite a shame how every single ounce of happiness can be pushed away by a single bad experience/instance. Once again, I magnified the problem and minimized God.
So on the way back home, I asked myself, "Give me a reason why I should continue inviting and believing in someone who has betrayed, made use of and now even heaped sarcasm on me?"
Finding no answer, I asked God the same question, for a verse in reply.
"Haven't you done the same before? How different then are you?" came the simple answer.
"Fair enough," I thought. "Fair enough."
Once again, I'm humbled. Because it's not about the situation, but how I react to it.
P.S. I found the answer for myself; because I want to believe.
But that's beyond the point.
Today I finish the medication that causes drowsiness.
However, I found out (with lots of pain) why another set of antibiotics pills are directed to be taken with or after food. How? This is how:
Part 1, the night before, I took a pill before going to bed as directed. However, I did not eat any food along with it. I spent the next 45 minutes writhing in abdominal pain on bed.
Part 2, I took another pill 12 hours later, expecting to be taking my lunch soon. Within 2 minutes, I felt a slight ache in my stomach. Within 15 mins I was out of breath. By 30 mins I could barely walk. Somehow, though, I managed to meet Ben and grab lunch. And that solved it.
And then the day's events blurred past me.
It's quite a shame how every single ounce of happiness can be pushed away by a single bad experience/instance. Once again, I magnified the problem and minimized God.
So on the way back home, I asked myself, "Give me a reason why I should continue inviting and believing in someone who has betrayed, made use of and now even heaped sarcasm on me?"
Finding no answer, I asked God the same question, for a verse in reply.
"Haven't you done the same before? How different then are you?" came the simple answer.
"Fair enough," I thought. "Fair enough."
Once again, I'm humbled. Because it's not about the situation, but how I react to it.
P.S. I found the answer for myself; because I want to believe.
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