#119 On This Night, A Good Wind Blows

I finally get it. To get people to smile from their heart, I have first got to smile from my own heart.

****

I'm ashamed, you know, after 5 days of Asia Conference, of serving and receiving and being really impacted, the first thing I really want to blog about is something totally unrelated.

And sometimes I struggle with what I can post on my blog, because it is, after all, a public place. This is especially so for what I am about to post next. But no matter how much I hem and haw, I guess I really just want to pen it down, to let it loose from clogging up my heart.

This was on the train. How rare that I get the chance to really dream while awake. To just get lost in my thoughts and being saturated by the bittersweet thoughts as they rush by. To be magically uplifted and be filled so full in the heart, brimming with joy and then to be, in the next moment, be left utterly in want, in desperation, in insecurity. I'm talking about what we call interpersonal love.

(How do I put it in words, I wonder?) At the stage of a newly ignited feeling, I "made use" of that emotion and channeled to God, to bring my love for Him to a higher level. I began to remember my First Love and what it really meant to me, for I was dead at that time. But yet, after about one and a half months, the feeling of interpersonal love (not to God, oh gosh, I so don't know how to put this into words) has grown to a certain point.

And it is at this same point where time and again in the past, I have done the only thing I have known with regards to this area of my life after having lived for 21 years.

To crush it. To ground it to dust and let it fade away. Why, because I fear. I am terrified. I do not for any reason wish to stay any longer in a state of uncertainty. I guess I still have not totally given up this area in my life to God.

However I cannot coherently explain the rationale behind this but I do know that I don't want to do so any longer (to destroy hope before even trying). But its tempting. It sure is. It's like I know so little and yet feel so much. I understand so little and yet hope for so much.

Oh, what exactly am I trying to say?

A dash of colour

Contrasting pallor

A racing heartbeat

Pacing the concrete

****

It's like I caught the Spirit as I passed by on my way home after the train ride. I was listening to my mp3 player and the next moment I felt this urge to pray in the Spirit. And as I took off my mp3 player and started praying, I could hear other people praying along from a unit above me, at the block I was walking past home. What a magical feeling.

And I firmly believe in Matthew 6:5-6.

****

Self esteem, self concept. Today's preaching by Dr A. R. Bernard was alien to my uninitiated mind, but I thank God for being present. Because it opened up horizons, thought processes in my mind that I never knew could exist. And the paradigm shift is an empowering experience. I want to receive the full impact of what was preached into my life.

I want. I can. I will. This is, after all, the generation.

#118 So Much To Say

And yet I can't find the words.

Serving has been tough, waking up has been tougher and yet at the end of each day I find myself thanking God for the opportunity to be there.

Mom came for Reinhard Bonnke's sermon. I was really hoping for her arms, legs and spine to be healed. But one thing that I really brought away is this; God uses anyone and everyone, not just a "Big Man". And so even as there wasn't a healing altar call, I took the chance to pray for her. Just a little seed. Just a spoken word. But the Holy Spirit has been hovering ever since the day of Pentecost, waiting only for the word to be spoken for miracles to be unleashed. And I want to believe that.

Use me, I said. Even if I tremble within.

And I noticed that I smiled much more this whole Asia Conference than all the time I've served as an usher in normal service, in spite of the tiredness. There's just so much fulfillment in what I am doing and I'm really thankful for the wonderful people around me who made it happen.

(On to a thanksgiving list; it's going to sound churchy!)

Thanks to an awesome CGL in Marc, who visited me in a time when my heart was calloused and closed. (Luke 11:8 Persistence)

Thanks to an awesome brother in Zong Han, who somehow through persistence got through to me and encouraged me.

Thanks to an exemplary TL in Ariel, who inspired me in her joy and understanding, never giving up!

Thanks to the various people in CG, such as Joson and Boon Ping (and many more I have not named) who completely wow me when I see them so eager to receive in spite of being young in the Lord. Truthfully, it is the little children that will inherit the Kingdom of God.

Even if it seems so, It's not without struggles or temptations each day of the Conference. Because as the days past, I feel more and more inclined to take time off and come later, or skip the next day totally just to do the things that I want to do or to relax. I feel like my body is spent and I feel like a good long sleep would be in order. But all these things just fade away when I remembered the promise I made in my heart; I will fling myself with the last ounce of my strength to receive, just as the woman with the issue of blood had done so many years ago.

And even though I do not have a pressing, wasting illness, my disease is being weak and insignificant, lacking in contribution to this world. But if I can just make a little difference, then that's all that I desire.

But still I have this tiny, little thing that I am asking of God. And I pray it will be answered soon. Pretty please?

#117 Awwwwwesome!

Asia Conference. It's massive, it's beyond mind-boggling. We're meeting Him once more.

Stopped a short while to get some rest and top up my physical and spiritual fuel tank at home so I can serve, serve, serve some more!

Okay, time's up!

#116 My God Is Mighty To Save

This week has been a pretty horrid week. But God has saved the week. :)

I'm tired as anything but I'll not lay down my head to rest just yet. Still got the rest of the day to finish!

I'll share more later. :)

#115 I Feel Old & Emo

It's a bittersweet thing.

Little Sean Tay has arrived and I am officially part of the previous generation of Tay's.

And as Evelyn hits her 21st birthday the following Monday, I realise albeit late, that wow, time sure flew. The last time I checked, we were still playing Nintendo on National Day, laughing at the 20-somethings.

You see, I've been an uncle (as in nephew/niece-uncle and not cock-eye, thick glasses, can't see further than the bridge of my nose uncle) since 10 years old I think. But well, when a close cousin of mine finally has a kid of his own, somehow, something inside of me just goes into disarray. I still feel like a kid. :(

And then I... OH MY GOSH! I forgot the planned makan session tomorrow night!

Gosh, my memory's real bad. :(

I've been a bad, bad boy. No more blog for tonight.

#114 Open Up The Floodgates

Oh boy. Emotion wells up as I send gospel songs to Zong Han for his new Iphone.

Songs of praise and worship, fragments of beautiful memories from 4 years ago.

How ashamed I feel. :(

**

You Laid Aside Your Majesty - Noel Richards

You laid aside Your Majesty

Gave up everything for me

Suffered at the hands

Of those You had created

You took all my guilt and shame

When You died and rose again

Now today You reign

In heaven and earth exalted

I really want to worship You, my Lord

You have won my heart and I am Yours

For ever and ever

I will love You

You are the only one who die for me

Gave Your life to set me free

So I lift my voice to You in adoration

**

Reminds me why I love worship so much.

It's been a long time coming.

**

How Can I Keep From Singing - Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

In the darkest night

For I know my Saviour lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing You'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your Love

How can I keep from shouting Your Name

I know I am loved by the King

And It makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me , Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

**

Who remembers? Who feels the same way like I do when I worship?! Who feels that overflow of emotion that when you sing, you don't just breathe words but deep inside something happens?!

Who remembers care group RP at 8pm, being provided the room by the grace of God and crying out with all our hearts?! Who remembers singing off-key, making joyful noise and yet knowing deep down that the tune doesn't matter?!

Maybe once upon a time, when I was hurting, I locked it all up, the memories. But now I remember. I remember it crystal clear.

That is why I sing.

#113 You Know What Can Really Get Me Down?

Uncertainty. Self doubt. Being Wronged.

Now, you know what can really get me high? Thanking God for the simplest things.

And of course, seeing people smile. :)

**

Just yesterday, as I went to buy lunch-dinner from the nearby chai peng stall I was having a chat with the stallholder lady (A little history here: this same lady sold chai peng at the coffeeshop near my house when I was still a little kid with cock eye. Meaning my eyes looked into the middle). Suddenly, she brought up the topic of my grandmother and asked if I missed her. She also mentioned that my elder brother was my granny's favourite grandson.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about this awesome lady in my life who suffered many trials, gone through many hardships, hardened herself because of life, but still managed to love my family in spite of the pain and suffering. Now I cannot share what she has gone through but believe me, just thinking about it can set me halfway to depression.

And you know, for a moment there, I was just a wee bit jealous that I wasn't her favourite grandson. And if there were any chance for me to do something for her right now, I'd do it. But as it stands, the book has already closed and I can only pray that I'll meet her up in heaven.

**

Recently, God put into my heart two breakthroughs in my vocals that will be coming my way. Because of that, I can get excited simply thinking and remembering the sounds. Which makes me feel so weird. But who cares, right? It's personal! :)

And I hope I get the chance to use it powerfully. Just wait. ;)

**

And you know, I've got a good feeling about the days ahead. Let me cling on to it longer. :)

#112 Yawn!

*Blinks eyes*

It's 4 in the afternoon, I've just woke up from a pretty awesome afternoon nap feeling refreshed and ready for the evening ahead (outreach: Shrek! Haven't watched first 3 instalments but never mind).

So, how did I get here? To sleep, I mean (I'm supposed to be in camp after all right?). To cut a long story short, a few birthdays were celebrated in camp and one of the birthday boys was senior enough so he said we could have free and easy in the afternoon. And because we are a stay-out unit... You can guess the rest.

Nice.

**

Jason:

I realised I was pretty insensitive when I sms-ed you that I was going home on half day when you probably have to stay late. It really was not intentional! :( But never mind, what's done is done, look forward to the weekends!

**

Sometimes I feel like a leaf in the wind, and it takes so much effort just to keep sight of God and being positive. And I remind myself the choice I have made, to celebrate life not because of the good things but in spite of the bad ones. It's a daily struggle but it certainly is not self-indulgence or self-consolation.

But somehow I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and well, things just work out. And it might not be in the ways that I expect them to be but when things fall into place, often the result is better than what I might have hoped for. And I save the effort of worrying the whole time!

**

I've been painfully aware for the past 1 or 2 years that I've been having this severe Writer's block. Where once words and stories flow to me, right now I can't seem to find the right words even when I am inspired with a story. And that is the same for all creative lines; we have just got to admit it that many times we will hit a rock wall.

But while I am facing this Writer's block, I'm certainly not sitting in front of the wall waiting for it to shatter supernaturally. While I can be praying, expecting and brushing up on my literary skills, I've also learn to diversify. I'm now doing many other things that I would never do if I devoted my time to writing. Singing (yes, this absolutely had to be repeated for the umpteenth time) is my new creative kid and I sure am loving it! :)

My point is this. Perhaps we love this part of our life dearly. But sometimes, God doesn't want us to miss out on the other exciting aspects of life as well! And just yesterday on the way to meeting Jun Wei for Bible Study, I was conversing with Sasi on the train. We came to the topic of being in a situation where after a long time of struggling, we find ourselves in a repeating pattern of doing the same things and getting the same results.

And that is where we have to break the pattern as soon as we realise it.

**

And talking about Sasi reminds me of what I wanted to post yesterday night. I respect that guy, Sasi. Because until yesterday, I've never found someone who prioritises Philia over Eros.

Wuh, what, who, how? You say.

Philia - Brotherly Love (Family, in this instance)

Eros - Romantic Love (A side note: Eros does not have to be sensual in nature. Just so you know)

Now I can't go into details, but I will say that Sasi really is an exceptional family, whether by personal choice or by upbringing or by a mixture of both. And I can only wish him well, because he makes the tough decisions even at convenient times. :)

**

SPLAT.

My mental diarrhoea has just stopped and I'm out of words. :'(

Now let me get this bittersweet feeling out of my heart and do the things that matter!

#111 I Can't Help It!

It's too awesome! The Kbox outing with Zong Han & Joson I meant. Though it was only us 3, it was a blast! I'm so addicted to singing. :)

You know honestly I had second thoughts on whether to "put aeroplane" all the way through because I wanted to sleep and I didn't know if I could survive energy level-wise for the BS with Jun Wei tomorrow. But everyone knows that Windez can't say a convincing no. :(

And so I mumbled and jumbled and went, with the evil thought of taking MC tomorrow if I cannot take it. Well, hours later, I'm glad I went for the karaoke because it was extremely awesome and refreshing! I haven't enjoyed this much in quite a while. Kudos to Zong Han for planning and following through in spite of the last minute cancellations and lack of attendance. We 3 are enough! :D

P.S. I'm not going to take MC tomorrow. The temptation shall flee from my sight this moment!

And I must really thank God for the breakthrough in my vocals. I was feeling rather demoralised yesterday after trying out my exam song with music. It was on all counts devoid of emotion. I realised I devoted so much effort to technique and so little on evoking feelings that I think it was believable if I let someone hear the recording and said it was synthetically done through Auto-tune.

You know, if you just dare, miracles are going to happen. And it did for me this day. Thanks God! :)

**

And today, I've got a few verses to share with everyone who feels like they have been shortchanged, that others who are doing lesser are getting better remunerations and they feel that this shouldn't be the case:

Matthew 20:1-16 It's too long to type out everything but I'd just like to say that whatever God decides to give us or others now is up to Him. He is sovereign and his plans are beyond us.

I believe that even as God gives others much when they have done little and seems to give us little when we have done much, He has merely given them on earth in full what they have deserved.

For us on the other hand, He has given us some here on earth and stored the rest of His blessings up in heaven, Matthew 6:20 "Where moth and rust do not destroy".

"So the first will be last and the last will be first." People may be held up high for now but we know in our hearts that our blessings are eternal.

This serves as personal reminder to myself, especially when I slog hard and others get day offs, when on my duty days I stay late and when someone who plays punk does duty, he is released earlier or when someone pretends to be sick, nothing is done about him. Because it doesn't matter what another person gets.

And now I know that I know that I know! :)

**

In putting pen to paper, or letters to blog in this case, I am trying to remind myself that in the run up to Asia Conference, we're going to get distractions and temptations by the truckload.

We'd be coerced, tempted, compelled and badgered to be involved in countless time-guzzling low-priority activities and be confused and misled into misunderstandings.

We'd be drained of our joy by the time Asia Conference comes so when we step into the Hall, all we feel like doing is sulking or turning into emo-superheroes.

But that's not going to happen, right my friends? We are going to safeguard this joy, the light in our eyes, the energy and passion we have and we are going to amplify and overcome whatever the world throws at us! At the same time we need to believe breakthroughs can happen and we're going to knock down walls and keep on keeping on.

Which brings to mind HOPE. Holding On, Praying Expectantly.

C'mon lets do it! We can do it! Yeah!

At this point, Windez's battery runs dry.

#110 I've Said This Before

And now I shall pen it down for posterity's sake.

In the run up to the Asia Conference, I sense that there will be (and it is happening even now) spiritual attacks upon our lives, especially in the areas of busyness as well as our bonds with people.

It is important, I feel, to be able to humble ourselves and see that we might be looking at a wrong angle, so that breakthroughs can come into our lives when we do. To use myself as an example; I tried to grow and "build depth" in the Word and end up close to being burnt out before realising it today. And I thank God for the brothers and sisters who care about me to share about me. It isn't an easy word, but I receive it.

It ain't what I do, but He who does it.

And things can only get better from now. :)

I just had to say it, so that I can tell myself, "See? I told you so!", if I manage to forget, which I hope I won't!

**

And now for less serious stuff. I spent an entire day tinkering with OpenOffice trying to get Writer (the freeware equivalent of Microsoft Word) to do what I needed to do.

The key word is trying, because I failed at the end of the day. And it's amusing; Its the little bugs and programming quirks that made me want to tear my hair out. But I managed to complete the job which fulfilled 90% of my personal expectations.

I consider this experience a good reminder, because for the past year, I haven't been having any challenges with technical expertise at work that cannot be solved. You could say a little failure brings humility and a fresh perspective into my outlook.

And then I had vocal class. I was pretty satisfied with the practical part of the lesson (practical as in the exercises that we had to do), but when I tried to sing the song I prepared for the exam, I felt like I was regurgitating straight from the song sheet. Try as I might, I still cannot find a way to express greater emotions into the song, so I left the school with a heavy heart.

Thank God for the funny guys from Ops Room. They tried to surprise me by going to the old location of my vocal school! (We have just moved about a week ago.)

Fancy 4 "suaku" guys camping in front of the elevator waiting for me to pop out and spam calling my phone, none of which I received because in the new building, reception is poor at best.

So when I finally saw their messages and directed them to the new location, we headed off in a snazzy car to eat.

Don't ask me what model or brand, because I don't know cars and cars don't know me! Well technically only I ate, because the rest had been hopping around the food joints all over Singapore such that by the time I joined them, they were bloated.

So after some Char Kuay Teow from Zion Food Centre and some crazy turns and zipping around small roads around Singapore, our dear Ah Peck dropped us at NP and we hopped on buses to reach home safe and sound. Another exciting end to an awesome day!

Now, after a bath and some talk time over the phone, sleep beckons. I oblige.

#109 Thank You Lord!

For:

#1

A wonderful mom, and a wonderful time with mom at the cinemas today. Ip Man 2 was an awesome show! I'm so glad I caught it, and who better to watch it with than the one who brought me to this earth? We both enjoyed the show! :)

#2

A wonderful team leader! Special mention to you Ariel! For tagging my blog. :) Thank you for the advice and the guidance in usher and in my personal walk, as well as the positivity and joy in your life; it is infectious! You are appreciated! :)

#3

For a wonderful CG, special mention to Marc, Jun Wei & Zong Han. For the longest of time, I must have been a stubborn sheep going my own way into trouble. Looking back, I realised I was trapped in past failures and failed to give the future a chance. But still you guys persevered! Oh what would I do without you guys! Let's grow together, being armour bearers to our leader! :D

#4

For a tumultuous 5 years since first knowing You, God. Because You have changed me so much, moulded me to where I never thought I'd be. While on the train back home after the movie with mom, I was reflecting and I realised that I have grown so much in self-worth and confidence in the past few months as compared to the whole of my life. And that comes with the realisation that my worth is not in the things I do. And I don't reproach myself with malice as before, but I look at experiences in a positive light.

I never knew I could be caring; I'd always thought I'd be the silly little boy with the crooked teeth, so afraid of crowds that I'd cover my face with a book at recess time and literally walk into walls. Or run away from my crush after confessing my feelings. Looking back, it's really amusing. But I thank God that I can say that I'm not as angry and emo-superhero as before.

It might be weird to say this, but right now I'm not ashamed to be called Windez. Because I am not my own person. I am ransomed by Your love, no less.

#5

For the safety net of friends that You have given me. They are awesome, amazing, *insert superfluous adjectives*. I'm at a lost for words. People may fail us, but when God works through people, they will pull through.

#6

I usually get the "short end of the stick" when it comes to duty planning, as I have the tendency to plan lousier days for myself or take more duties than others because I want to treat them well.

Well, I don't take it to heart. This month though, God decided to do a wonderful thing. As such, I've completed ALL my duties for the month last week, and am free to take Leave/Off undisturbed to help out for Asia Conference and do whatever needs to be done during this two weeks. The only thing I need to take note is to remember to plan next month's duty! @_@

**

I'm so looking forward to the Wednesday Kbox outing as well as the Friday CG outreach-Shrek movie! I'm honestly addicted to singing. And what more with wonderful friends! Too but I can't sing along in the theatre!

*Mind goes into overload due to a funny concoction of physical tiredness and spiritual uplift after an awesome prayer time during QT*

P.S. Beware, because I'm going into camp with a smile tomorrow! :)

Extra time!

Oh yeah, I think I should get back down to earth at this point.

Yesterday night, something supernatural happened to me. It may have been weird and scary, but I have this feeling that it's the start of a breakthrough.

And breakthrough means what? *Looks through notes and groans* Oh man! It means I first have to hit a brick wall! Can't say I'm ready but I choose to believe!

#108 Oh Dear! :(

Out of the 3 days I took off on, I've already failed to catch up on sleep for 2. The last one's tomorrow. Hope I'll at least rest a bit. Because the computer... is too tempting. :(

My eyes! My eyebags! >_< *Yawn*

Why so tired, you say? Well that's because after an awesome time at Meng How's 21st birthday, especially with the surprise water-bomb segment where he sat there blindfolded with a bad gut feeling while we prepare to pelt him with water-filled balloons, we got to the station only to realise that we missed the last train.

Now Yuanfeng, if you're reading this, next time we got an empty taxi seat, you better take the seat and don't come and try to accompany me. One stranded is better than two, especially if you don't have a backup plan, okay?

So yeah, we spent half an hour walking around White Sands trying to find a cab. We got on one and the smart-alec in me decided to try and save some Vitamin M ($) and cab to Park Mall to hitch a Night Rider home. We reached there (Yuan Feng and I) only to realise that the particular bus-stop we were at did not have the Night Rider service we needed. We ended up brisk walking to Somerset before heading home on separate Night Riders. I reached home at 1.30am. :(

Slept at 2am, woke up 1hr 35 mins later than the time (5.10am) that I set for my alarm (at 6.45am, feeling like a fool caught with his pants down), stressed a little (only a little, because I couldn't really think) and then was chauffeured to Expo. (Oh, taxi, what would I do without you?!)

And you know what? Serving today was awesome, had quite an experience running between two Terraces, trying to fill one, and taking attendance! But really, when everyone sat down, things got so much more orderly! And surprise, surprise! I saw Darryl (Machohunk, do you still remember that nick?) back in Usher Ministry after so long. I mean, I have never actually served with him, as he became an usher while I was still in Hope and he stopped for quite a while to protect the country full time! I'm talking about NS, Commando leh! :)

It was a pretty hectic affair, and I missed the outlines by Pastor Derrick! :( Anyone can share their notes with me? I'd be so grateful!

But something embarrassing happened after service, the shifting of chairs and helping out with taking out the banners. I received a call and headed for a briefing (Ushers only! You have to join to find out what what was said!) for the upcoming Asia Conference. So after the briefing we were dismissed, except for the team of the leader who had dismissed us.

Now I'm from 4_3_. When they said, "Team 4 stay back, the rest can leave," I thought, 'I'm in Group 4 right?' (Spoiler: I'm not in Team 4, I'm in Team 3)

*Gasp! Shocking mistake! Edits made in bold!*

To cut a long story short, they were celebrating some birthdays and I joined in, not knowing anyone there. It didn't turn red lights flashing in my head when the familiar faces had left when we were dismissed. So I kind of sat there stoning and yet trying to join in, though at the same thing feeling like a fool.

Then halfway through praying for the birthday people, I heard a voice in my head say, "Hey dude, you're with the wrong Group." Right there then, my blood froze, my stance wavered, my throat went dry, and honestly, my balls shrank. :(

I stood there meekly till the prayers had ended and gingerly walked to a brother and said, "Hey bro, I think I'm in the wrong Group." He gave me the arhm-chio-look, nodded and managed a, "Huh, really ah?". Immediately, I made some lame excuse and took the chance to speed off, tails between my legs, my face redder than a baboon's backside. (No offence to baboons!)

You know, I'm actually kind of glad I was so stoned through the whole day though, because that made things more bearable when I simply forgot the embarrassing things that happened minutes ago.

@_@

#107 After A Week's Hiatus

Almost. I've got so much to say jam-packed in this little slab of grey matter of mine (for those who don't understand, its the brain) that I don't even know where to begin!

I'll just start randomly!

#1

This week has been awesome thanks to many things that happened. Also, I'm very glad that I sort of reconciled with a fellow clerk in my office, as we had quite a long "feud" due to some misunderstanding. Initially, I took it quite hard when I was first accused of something which I definitely did not do. After a while, I managed to let it go and lift it up to God, and I felt so much free and stronger! :D

#2

I sense that certain people whom I rarely meet/talk to/seem to have forgotten/don't think they are remembered need prayer, so I'm going to dedicate some time for them! :) If you know you do, either tell me, or well, wait to be surprised! I just might be praying for you!

#3

I was looking out of the train yesterday (or today, my memory's that bad) when I saw secondary school couples and it made me reflect on today's societal values and how even children are getting intimate and causing much self-hurt. Then this thought came to my mind:

What if the forever you believed will be, suddenly became the yesterday? How would you face it?

I don't know, maybe its the inner-wimp in me saying that because I dare not to love.

But I sincerely believe that if we love someone, it doesn't matter how we feel; As long as they are doing well, then that's fine. Especially if I'm not together with that person, I'd be glad to see her love and being loved by someone else, although I might feel a tinge of jealousy.

It's not about sacrifice, its about wanting the best for that someone, something that I learnt from the love from my parents, and even God. It doesn't matter what we do, only if its the best for us.

Set it free; If it is meant to be, it will not flee.

But no one's going to get any confessions from me here! :D

#4

I'm not sure how many times I have repeated it but I really want to have balance in my life. I don't want to over-inflate in legalistic beliefs, rules and regulations and neither do I want to sway like a leaf in the wind as an emo-superhero, nor do I want to be the world's biggest cynic. I want to have a combination of spiritually, emotion and pragmatism. And frankly that feels like a huge task! Jeremiah 29:11!

#5

Just yesterday I was feeling downright horrid. I managed to get myself stuck at reading Luke 8-10 for 3 days in a row, as well as being distracted by a game. (Maplestory no less, and I'm ashamed at that! ><>) But against all odds, God confirmed that He's always with me and I managed to breakthrough that limiting factor!

#6

I thank God for putting in my heart to have a prayer session on my own. It has really helped me grow more in my prayer life, though I still feel rough around the edges! But seriously, each time I do so, I pray till I tire of it physically but deep down I still feel hunger for more!

#7

I found my old Christian resources! The Purpose-Driven Life, Stewardship etc. Thank God for treasure trove! :)

#8

Off days! After saving my duty off's since Mar 09, I have finally taken afternoon off on 130510, 140510 and 170510! Thank God for that! Because I really need the rest. *Thumbs Up!*

#9

I've been thinking about remaking another blog. Because each blog has its roots in a change of phase of life, or life direction. And right this moment, I feel that I am at the pinnacle of a change of life direction! To do or not to do, that is the question! (Blatant reference to Shakespeare's Hamlet: To be or not to be, that is the question:)

#10

I've been saying this for the past week and I've even gone so low as to proclaim it freely in cell group. But how can I not, when that still small voice asked me, "Which train door do you want to exit from?"

The best thing is that it came to pass! Especially when the opposite door opened 4 times out of 5 this week, which is another miracle on its own! Ask me to know more! :)

__

And so daylight has ended, the moon has risen far above the clouds and my battery brand is not Energizer. Time to kick the bucket... err... hit the sack!

#106 A Touching Story

By a stroke of fortune, I read this on the papers one day. It's a little overdue though, but the message is timeless.

Source: The Straits Times, Page A8
Issue: Friday, May 7, 2010

I Hate My Mother

My mom only had one eye. I hated her.. She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom only has one eye!"

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. So I confronted her that day and said, "If you're gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!"

My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted out of that house and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go to Singapore to study.

Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children! Get out of here! NOW!!!"

And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After that reunion, I went to the old shack which was my childhood home just out of curiosity. My neighbours said that she has passed away. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have:

My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you are coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.

I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see.... when you were very little, you got into an accident and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place with that eye.

With my love to you,
Your mother.

:'(

#105 The Smell Of MacDonald's Beside Me :'(

On the train back home. So not fair! Especially when my stomach was rumbling! :(

As a result, I took dinner today. On mom's tab! Thank God for that!

Bear with me today, my topics are going to jump from one to another pretty rapidly so for easy of read, I shall number them.

Point 1

I checked my NSF payslip today. I've finally gotten my promotion back pay! :D

+$60 *Ka Ching!* I'm overjoyed!

Point 2

Which brings me to the next topic. I'm actually quite blessed to be in a clerk vocation in NS. I realise my time is really freed up to serve and do other very beneficial things in life. No doubt, the finances are extremely tight. But stretching my dollar is also a life skill I have to learn!

Point 3

Just yesterday, while I was on my Mp3 player, God prompted me that my next breakthrough in vocals will be something awesome! And I really am excited for that because each time I grow as a vocalist, the excitement lasts but for a day or two. After that, reality sets in and I realise I have so much more to learn and improve!

Point 4

And as I was about to put myself down today, I was suddenly reminded of positive speaking. We humans tend to gravitate to people who can understand our situations and lament along with us. However, if we want to get out of our situation and the vicious cycle of hurt, we have got to speak with people who can encourage us! Speak to people who can point out the positives and magnify your strengths. That way, you can learn to build on them and improve!

Point 5

But of course, there are two parts. One is hearing the good word. That's like 5%, and is pretty easy, you just got to have your ears open (and who's ears can be closed anyway?) The other 95% is actually believing, proclaiming, doing and waiting. I call this proactive waiting. :)

Point 6

And on the serving side, after being super hyper excited that I'm going for all 5 days of Asia Conference, my rational mind finally kicked in. I'm not doubting; I still believe that going and serving for all 5 would be awesome. But I believe that the greatest challenge lies one day after Asia Conference. 31st May. It's a Monday, a work day. And after all the excitement, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhere near exhaustion. So I've already started to pray, that I'll be prepared physically and spiritually for the growth spurt and physical marathon!

Point 7

You know what's bogging my mind now? One word, Balance. Because it's so hard to achieve; It's like trying to be an air-conditioner, when you set the temperature at 25 degree Celsius, it cools the room to that temperature and maintains the temperature via a thermostat.

An internal thermostat. That's what I should be praying for right, God?

Point 8 Almost there!

So today as I was flipping my pages, I saw a verse about going 2 miles for someone when he asks for 1 mile, and so on and so forth. I think it was in one of the 4 Gospels.

You know what that reminded me? The Spirit of Excellence. *Awed*

What's that? Can eat or not? Joking.

I want that. I want that so much. I want to do things to the best and not half-past-six. I want to be more than a conqueror. Pretty please?

And that's the end. Pretty much.

Though I do have a song that's stuck in my head. It's a magical song. I believe it's even older than me. So without much further ado, I bring you (lyrics only!):

Hello by Lionel Richie

I've been alone with you inside my mind

And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times

I sometimes see you pass outside my door

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted

And my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much, I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair

And tell you time and time again how much I care

Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow

Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely

Or is someone love you?

Tell me how to win your heart

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying, I love you

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely

Or is someone loving you?

Tell me how to win your heart

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying... I love you

Rides off into the sunset, anime-style.

#104 Just A Quick One!

Today, I woke up on the right side of the bed!

As a result, I got up on time, left home peppy, the train doors opened on the correct side for me and I reached camp early! :)

So marks the start of an awesome week ahead!

Oh and, a happy belated Mother's Day to everyone, especially to my mom and my granny! Even though granny's no longer with us, I believe that she's in a better place, one where only joy and peace reigns.

So to all the mothers out there, you are all awesome!

#103 Jia Liang's Word For Me Yesterday

Was spot on. While walking toward Macdonald's he suddenly turned toward me and asked, "Is there something...(Sorry! I can't remember the rest of the sentence, thanks to my STM)?"

And then he asked me if I have an issue with loving myself. Spot on.

No matter how much I can love and show concern to others, I will never be able to go deep if I do not first love myself. And truthfully, my low self-esteem is a glaring sign of my lack of self-love (for lack of a better word). And it's hard. I'll try though; I'll never say die.

Wow, it's kind of funny; as I was rushing back home I had so much things to pen down but sitting here in front of the computer, I don't really know where to start!

And I appreciate Zong Han for his honesty and straightforwardness. It is indeed a blessing to be a friend and brother-in-Christ with him. He has spoke poignantly about my personality and been accurate at what he describes. To Zong Han: A huge thank you bro! :)

Yesterday, Jun Wei was talking to me about writing a spiritual diary. I mulled over it for a little while, and decided that it was for the best; I want to keep in mind and remember the many revelations and encouragement that God has put into my life, never to let them go. Because Man has a short memory and its even more so for me, unfortunately.

****

But two things I remember clearly, things that impacted me greatly this week:

1. The situation: I was rushing to CG after ending relatively late for administrative duty in camp. Normally, I'd feel this sour feeling in eating to my heart as the minutes go by and cell group progresses. But this day, I know that God has already given me various words and that no matter what, it will be an awesome cell group ahead. So when I got on the train, I put on a smile in my heart and waited...

And waited... And waited... and started to feel tired, drowsy... Sleepy...

The revelation: And then it hit me. Out of no where, the story of the widow who put in the two mites (it was all she had) and how Jesus declared that she had put in more than any of the rich who had offered out of their wealth jolted my brain wide awake, and I began to remember an SMS about a smile as a sacrifice.

Likewise, just as choosing to smile in times when we really don't have a rational motivation is a sacrifice, so can my choosing to stay awake and mentally sharp! So the rest of the trip I "F5, refreshed!" the smile in my heart and went to cell group determined to have joy in my heart. It turned out to be an awesome decision. :)

2. The night before, I was looking at my phone, feeling weird when I realised that though I sent out quite a few encouraging messages, I hadn't received much replies! I started to feel a bit down, but picked myself up emotionally.

The next day, I was thinking in my heart about how I felt yesterday when I started to understand that often times when we do things, we expect a quick response or reaction. But God wants us to wait, to test the longevity of our faith and build patience in our character. That we may shine forth as gold.

I certainly wasn't feeling like gold the night before. But at that point when realisation came into my heart, I felt very much more relieved. Because a dead end must come before God's long hand stretches out to bring us a miracle! :)

****

And as my waking time comes to an end, I just want to thank God for the wonderful word in S2 today. I wish I had a car and a driver's license; I'd have drove my mom to Expo for the service! It was really an awesome Message!

#102 What Do You Want

For me in my life right now? Patience I believe? Because training it is not easy. I want to do awesome things I want it now. But yet that is not Your will!

Shared with Jun Wei some blessings for the day; it's been an awesome week, though it kind of feels slow compared to the rush of last week. In any case, thank God it's Friday! The weekends are officially here! Still, I've got quite a rush later to get from one end of the island to the other. I must still be very thankful that Singapore's a relatively small island and travel time doesn't take as long as elsewhere.

Been having not so good sleep patterns this week. I think it's my bed; Got to do something about it or I'll feel like a zombie all day! Still, today, I was recharged as I remembered the little things that went right! When we are positive, not only do we feel more empowered, but we tend to be able to praise God easier and positively influence others! :)

I guess I've come to a point where the "high" feeling for serving and all is starting to go down, so I pray that in spite of the absence of the adrenaline rush, I will still have that warm fuzzy feeling of joy in my heart. The spirit of servanthood! I've been trying to find that book from some dusty place in my house; It was awesome and I think its time to start revisiting and refreshing myself on why I serve!

Thank God for the Daily Bread! (Ask me more if you are in NS and are interested in receiving TDB!) It's a very revelatory read because it speaks into the situations that I face! :)

And a thank you to Jaslyn and Heng Yu for the karaoke session yesterday! We may all have been late thanks to various reasons but it was an awesome time of just letting loose! There's still so much for me to learn and practise, technique and expression wise, but I'm getting there. One step at a time!

So the week comes to a close and an explosive weekend beckons! :D

#101 @_@

My head's spinning a little. Not enough sleep, and yet I want to be here.

*Looks through facebook for about 10 mins*

Okay back, energy level up!

It's Wednesday but already the week's coming to a close! 1/2 day tomorrow followed by duty on Friday; it already feels like the weekends!

I feel extremely blessed today, because of rain. What happened, I'm not going to type here, you've got to hear it from the horse's mouth. Expression!

I just love my vocal class. It's not just what I have learnt, but the people. You guys are 100% fun and 100% funny! Jiayou everyone as we gear up for the exams! :)

And today, I learnt to be vulnerable. How so? Once again, you've got to hear it from the horse's mouth! (At this point, even I feel like I'm a little irritating!)

But though it doesn't seem so, I'm really hanging on for dear life to Him!

#100 Lets Talk About Grace

I feel really blessed and fortunate that throughout all my life, there has been an endless covering of grace upon my life, in that I have always been rescued time and again from some unspeakable, irreversible, destiny-changing calamity. No doubt, I've been in hot soup so many times. Yet at the last possible moment, it seems miracles happen and here I am, years later, in one piece (sans one wisdom teeth, if I may add, tongue-in-cheek).

And today, I feel even more blessed, in that though I'm physically tired, I have come to be aware of certain thing (for lack of a better description). I have sensed that just as in the past weeks I have been uplifted and moulded, so in the future weeks ahead there will be trials that I will face, situations that I have struggled with my own strength and ultimately ran away tail between my legs and spirit crushed. Just a while ago while taking a shower, the parable of talents came to me, and showed me the things in my life, that I have to stay responsible and be a good steward of. It's kind of terrifying for as an individual who's not too hard-working, responsible or bright (I'm not putting down myself, but acknowledging my weaknesses, which I will in due time, strengthen). But I know that God is with me. :)

And who would have thought ten years ago that a decade later, a grown-up (well, almost) Windez has come to love and enjoy singing in such a extent that I do now? I mean, I could barely pitch better than a rooster, or a tabby cat in heat! And now I have the gift of being able to make more than just joyful noise. I thank the Lord for that.

And today I really feel the need to pray for energy in my body. For someone who can and has spent literally 24 hours at one go at his computer at home, travelling around and meeting people to encourage and spread joy is really not something natural. I dare say I've worked harder in the last 1 week than I have in the whole of last month! That's how lazy I was. But I believe and confess that I will be changed permanently.

And a shout-out to Zong Han, who probably doesn't read my blog, for he has enough troubles and things on his mind, but still sacrifices his time and effort for me, and to regard me as a good friend in his words, this is really something that touches me. I mean, honestly, I am nothing, but thanks bro, and you know you are appreciated. Whatever you face I will pray for you, in tongues if I cannot do so in words. You have been a pillar of strength and encouragement, as well as a voice of reason in times of my lack of foresight.

And I thank God for my family. We aren't the best, but we will do our best.

Oh well, so much more to say, so little time to do so. In any case, I pray You have compassion upon me.

Edit: So many "And". How I wish I put more :)

#99 I Used To Think

That I didn't have much to pray about...

Until I wrote them down 1 by 1.

I ended up with 5 pages worth of prayer points and a whole load I haven't started on.

And that's in Arial Font size 10.

Today's been interesting. How, I cannot explain.

And you know, I just have this feeling that something huge is going to happen.

Such an ominous feeling. uh huh.

Still, all praise be to You.

#98 The Day Before

It's the title of an awesome song. Today's the day before a Sunday, and the significance is way greater than it just being a day we go to church.

There's such a huge difference between the exuberance I felt as I left the house to meet the Hope RP people and now, after a queasy trip home on a bus. Nevertheless, things have not changed; It's merely my mental (and physical, because I'm exhausted) state.

And as I left the house just now, I typed this down on my phone and saved it to Drafts so I wouldn't forget this:

I'm on a high on the roller coaster of life.

So high, it can only go down.

And it will.

So I pray that you'll be there for me when that time comes.

And its time, for the physical to rest and the spiritual to bear arms.

Farewell to Saturday, and welcome to Sunday.

But still, I love that energy, joy and the awesome smile! :)