#163 On The Last Day Of 2010

Happy New Year! Guess I'm going to sleep early though, don't feel the celebratory mood at all. It feels... But another day.

On the bright side of things, I've finally finished the whole 原来我不帅 series! Xiao Zhuang ah Xiao Zhuang, how could you have given up Qiao Ping! :(( 你真傻！！！

#162 We May Not Know What We Really Want

But we sure do not know what we don't want.

I know I don't want to be far away from Him. Yet my heart wanders and goes it's own way. And when I am shown the truth in the hurt I experience, sheepishly I return. I stand at the door wondering if things will ever be the same, with that voice in my mind saying, "No, it'll never ever be the same." And I am jaded, because I chose to interpret it as condemnation. But that voice never said it was for the worse. And yet I limit myself. But the people around. The people that are in hurt and yet stand up again. The people who swing from valley to valley yet never fail to stand each time. The Job's, the King David's, the spiritual giants who believe in the strength of not themselves, but of the God who create us all as vessels of love, these people remind me time again by their own internal struggles what it means to be a follower and not just a believer in Christ. Anyone, noble or ignoble, can believe. Even the Devil believes in God. But only true worshippers, true followers lay their free will at God's feet and take up their cross.

We are run down and fractured physically by the pressures of life. But if our soul will seek rest in Him, we are none the worse at the end of it all. That is the secret that truth, faith and hope brings. That is what love seeks to set free into our lives.

#161 Noooo! :(

A couple of weeks ago, my vocal class teacher asked to reintroduce ourselves to the entire class as we had new students joining us. He also told us to speak about our strengths and weaknesses. I shared a weakness, the acknowledgment of which has haunted me since then, a weakness that is inherent in areas of my life more than just in music.

And today, I find myself fighting that same old battle once more. I'm at the brink of either yet another terrible loss, or one of the most monumental breakthroughs in my life.

So Windez, what will you choose at the end? Will you choose to run once more, or will you choose to stand and fight?

#160 It's Been Long Since I've Had This Unshakable Feeling

The bittersweetness is unbearable. :(

A recap on the past few days. Attended cousin's (Kelvin & Huiting) wedding on Saturday. Congratulations and have a blessed wedded life and combined future ahead!

Anyway, it would have been awesome if it weren't for the fact that 3 out of 5 of us (my family) were down with the same irritating dry cough. I went to bed fine on Friday night and woke up feeling as if someone had hammered me with a sledgehammer, rubbed sandpaper in my throat and given me a laxative.

So yeah there we go, I missed the tea ceremony and arrived late for the church solemnisation. But really, the whole deal was awesome fun and I secretly, secretly wanted to have my own too!
(I guess there's where the whole feeling started.)

Attended the wedding dinner in the night feeling like a waiter thanks to my brand new bow-tie (first time!) and sleeveless vest. (another first time!) I felt like a fish out of water.

Sunday service was awesome. Nothing less. I'm really glad I went and served because when I woke with the dizziness in my head, I was really tempted to call in sick. But when you're sick, when you're down, when things don't go exactly as planned, that's where the real test of faith is. And thank God I made the choice to go! :)

#159 Lost Time

Was this really me?

God, how far I have fallen.

The passion, the burden, the love, the compassion, where did it all go?

Men do but God will undo all that isn't pure. Which part was it that I stumbled so?

#158 Glad To Hear That We Flow!

Who? Jed! He's just an "i" away from a lightsabre-wielding movie superstar! And he looks and sounds like a pastor! (Those who get it, get it!) Lets keep running this race to the finishing line!

It's interesting how we can say so much and convey so little, or say so little yet mean so much. Methinks that life is much more palatable with a tinge of suspension of belief, just like how a superhero gets his power from let's say, a can of spinach or activating an electric toothbrush. Because miracles, by their very nature, are unimaginable till they happen. Let me have my moment!

我在这个地方的原因是因为主。＼(^o^)／
虽然我还没到那个地步，请让我当您会觉得骄傲的孩子。

Yay!

#157 It's Funny

How a few wedding quotes and jokes can really change one's perspective on the institution of marriage.

But first, a song I fell in love with, in the weirdest way.

I Wanna - All American Rejects

I never thought that I was so blind
I can finally see the truth
It’s me for you
Tonight you can’t imagine that I’m by your side
Cuz it’s never gonna be the truth
Too far for you

But can you hear me say?
Don’t throw me away
And there’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me

Take everything that I know you’ll break
And I give my life away
So far for you
But can you hear me say
Don’t throw me away
There’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me

Tonight I’m weak
It’s just another day without you
That I can’t sleep
I gave the world away for you to
Hear me say
Don’t throw me away
There’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

All I wanna do is touch you
I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but I all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me
(x2)

I heard this song in a youtube video while watching a walkthrough for a game I had trouble completing. I just love the electric guitar and the straightforward lyrics. :)

****

As I was saying, the marriage quotes. I found some that were funny, some that were biased and some that had nuggets of wisdom within. But one thing which many echoed was that marriage is a decision, one that two people make to be committed to each other in spite of their complete incompatibility. How else can one describe beings who (though possibly having similar personalities) have totally opposite thought patterns? Love may have been the flame that brought the two together, but when the flame dies down, it is the commitment that is the ember which burns slowly but steadily and reignites the flame time and again. Without the commitment, without the ember, the flame would have sputtered and died out at the conclusion of the honeymoon stage.

Which brings me to something interesting my mother once mentioned, "It is always better to find someone who loves you more than you love that person." I'll just leave the sentence to be chewed upon.
****

TL;DR version: After all that, I've cut down most of my super unreasonable requirements of a spouse, most of it (not all!), and reduced it to one short, concise requirement. We must both be committed to the relationship with no option of divorce.

****

Gosh, I can't believe in just 3 days of inactivity, I've screwed up so much. But that's another story for another day.

#156 The Irony

Of rehearsing and re-rehearsing through a situation time and time again, getting ready all the lines and every single step and then when you get to the real deal, you freeze up and everything falls apart.

Life's got such sardonic humour. :S

How I'd love to say things right, just this once.

#155 We Fight, We Wage War, We Battle

And we become weary, all because we rely on our own strength.

Oh when will we finally learn to lean upon His strength in all that we do?

When will impressions and facade finally give precedence to our internal self-image?

Wisdom is not acquired knowledge. It's applied understanding.

Remember that, little brain of mine.

#154 Non-Descript

(Written on Sep 15, accidentally closed everything after typing. Thank God for Blogger's autosave feature!)

Because the title doesn't matter in this entry.

I feel like I've gone through the whole myriad of degrees of negativity just today, from the very mild to the extreme delusional. Which is a good thing, because at the end, it feels like I've passed this mental coming-of-age trial. It wasn't euphoria, but it certainly was a liberating feeling.

I love brisk walking. It isn't as strenuous as running, which means it is possible to go on and on and on for as long as I like. The daily walking trips also serve as a span of personal time I can have reflecting. Through my eyes I see the physical, the here and now. But through my mind, I'd see the possibilities, the memories, the metaphysical.

I'm not very good with good byes, and I just had one today. 2LT Jerry's ORD marks the passing of yet another good man. And while I am honoured to receive a farewell memento, I'd very much prefer having him stick around till I ROD. Of course, that's not going to happen and I would not so much as want to hold anyone back from a future beyond National Service.

*The rest of the text gets cut off unintentionally*

(Today's post, Sep 17.)

I almost hemorrhaged when I found out that I was to continuing doing my ORDed officer's work. What a killjoy on a rainy Friday afternoon. Darn, there goes my plan of staying out of arrows' way from now till my ORD.

Oh well, duty calls.

#153 Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

Tomorrow's yet another day to fight.

*Edit*

Invisible by Clay Aiken

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone
Who's stealin' your dreams
Why can't I bring you into my life
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

Saw your face in the crowd
I call out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could read what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I reach out
But you don't even see me
Even when I'm scream out
Baby, you don't hear me
I am nothing without you
Just a shadow passing through...

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible...

#152 It's Been So Long Dear Blog

I've missed you. It's been quiet around here, just as it will be in the office. My good buddy Chia Tze Yong has ORDed. :( I wish you well and all, but it will be a lot quieter now that you are not here to call me "full of shit" and nua-ing in office with that "dead fish" look. ;)

94 Days remaining for little o' me! Jun Wei & Marc have said to "Finish it well", just as I have started it well. You see, I have the tendency to start things and then run out of steam and crash out. But not this time. Even though I may be holding on by the tip of the split end of the frayed rope, I will still hold on! (Okay that sounds kind of negative...) I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

It's the long weekends after a short 3 day work week! I'll update more later. Wait for it, just wait for it!

#151 Back To Camp!

Tomorrow! And I'm fighting that negative feeling inside. It's all my perspective.

3 & 1/2 more months. As Jed & Marc says, end it well.

#150 Booya!

An hour has passed
A new day begins
Life starts afresh
When the dew of dawn glistens

It should have been a hopeful thing
It should have brought a smile
But deep down inside of me
A struggle ensues

But for today I pull myself along
Tomorrow, we'll see how it goes
One thing's for sure
I'm never alone

That was the emo crap that spewed forth my mortal mind early this morning. Real early, like 1am early. I was feeling really crappy thanks to my national duty.

Many hours later, I've come to realise one thing. Nothing has changed, only my attitude.

I felt a need to pray
I felt like running away
So I took to running off
Praying my heart out of my mouth

It should have been so hard
With my head deep in the mud
But when I recalled why
The pain became a lie

Wednesday
Became play
And so Thursday
Will be okay

Come. Head on.

#149 Ever Felt Fear...

Like you are losing/about to lose something that never was yours?

It's a curious, irrational feeling.

****

And yet on a seemingly parallel thought pattern I am contemplating the fear of the Lord.

****

Come, take me away into the stillness of the night.
With bated breath I await the new morn.
There is no progress where there is no risk.
But yet why do I continue to pine for yesterday?

#148 Oops?

I sit here on my bed typing into my iPhone looking back at the day and feeling like a fool. It's one of those days you let loose and then realize how stupidly you've wasted a day.

This is not emo; This is me reminding myself to buck up and get out of feeling like crap.

And so I toast to the great life ahead of me in spite of how dumb I feel. Because God makes the impossible become possible. :)

I'm no hard-boiled detective but I absolutely refuse to be part of the strawberry generation.

#147 Radio Silence

Since the end of July. Because I simply didn't have the inspiration to write anything. I still don't, except to give thanks for the many blessings in my life. :)

I ain't the best kid in the universe, but help me to get closer to that!

#146 Keep Walking

How do I start? Words fail me when I am excited!

At the start of the year, I once mentioned that I felt like this year is going to be a year of tremendous moulding and growth and that it is going to be a good year. At that time I had just come out, with much spiritual bruises, bumps and cuts, from a period of trials. Things were looking good in my physical perspective and I really felt that God was about to do something great in my life.

The very next month, I fell into yet another period of dryness and trials. I could hardly believe it. I felt like what I had thought the previous month was but a lie that I had formed in my mind. But of course, when you're in the process of moulding, it feels like crap.

But now, how do I put it? God has delivered. :)

#145 Boo!

If our life is in the light, there is no fear to speak our mind.
If our Spirit is alive, there is no fear of guilt.

Looking back, I feel so far from perfect.
And yet looking back, I see the progress that I've made.

From first stepping foot on RP land to now, it's been 5 years.
But all that couldn't have happened without the entrance of Jesus.

You heard my cries and said it was alright.
You felt my joy and laughed with me.
You sensed my fear and gave me comfort.
You knew my dreams and gave me hope.
Even when my confidence was crushed, my hope in life was gone and I stubbornly ran away, You chased after me.
Though You are the Lord, You laid it all down for a fleeting moment of bliss from my life.
Truly, my life was never my own, for I never held it securely in my hands; The waves lunge and the winds battered but still You sheltered that light and said to me, "Your choice."

Thank you Lord.

#144 How Ironic!

How I wish I can grab my emotions and shake em up till they listen.

How quickly my joy turns into sadness when I look at my Facebook.

Sounds weird right? Well, when close friendships drift apart or are broken, it hurts.

But I'm not going to dwell on that, because it takes two hands to clap.

The week's been passing fast, and awesome-licious Marc & JC conducted Lesson 2 of the W506 Weekly Guitar Class! We're just two weeks from graduating with a basic understanding but I'm super nervous; A lot of practice is needed and I don't know if I can catch up to the syllabus!

And on top of that, this week marks the 3rd week of Vocal Class (Advanced), and already I'm lagging far behind. There's so much to cover in terms of styles and genres, and so much musical knowledge that I'm lacking!

Camp's been quirky, lots of weird things happening but I hope I can survive the last 4 months and 23 days!

And that's all for today. A pretty brief one because I'm tired and hungry. :(

End!

P.S. So many testimonials to sharing during CG this week but we're having an outreach. @_@

#143 ^_^

After an uninspiring day, I finally managed to catch Ultra Galaxy Legend The Movie on youtube! As such, I am officially re-inspired!

So I'll just blog a little before I expire on my warm, cozy bed, floating in aspiring dreams!

P.S. My brain's still a little kooky from the headache so pardon me if the above sentences are grammatically erroneous!

****

Finally getting some taste back in my tongue after 3 days of flu. I promise I will eat something good tomorrow to make up for eating 3x hotdog bun and 3x fish fillet bun from the local bakery!

P.S.S. Ultra Galaxy Legend is an Ultraman movie! *WIN!*

#142 Random Musing Of The Day

I think Cantonese-speaking children are cute. :)

****

Realised over the past 2 weeks how difficult is it to self-motivate, especially when I am someone who is easily contented and accustomed to living in the past.

Through the past few weeks God has repeated placed dreams in my mind, of a great future. The one big catch is that I trust Him and work towards it, even though from where I am right now it looks impossible.

But the qualities of a quitter can be broken, habit by habit. And that is the process I am going through right now.

Finally finished Getting Started after over a year and a half. There's still a lot more to cover!

****

And so over the week I set some personal goals for end 2010:
1. Vocals: Establish a personal style for myself and build up my stage presence.
2. Acoustic Guitar: Grasp an intermediate level of mastery over the instrument so as to be able to minister effectively in personal and cell group level praise & worship.
3. Keyboard: Pick up basic keyboarding skills.


THE GAP


And what do I have right now?
1. Vocals: Just barely breaking into the different genres in the market.
2. Acoustic Guitar: Learnt only the most basic of the basic chords. (i.e. G, C, D, Em, Am7)
3. Keyboard: Does "Do Re Mi" & "London Bridge is Falling Down" on right hand count? >_<

****

And on an entirely random note:

Believe - 310
Pray - 370
Love - 735
Give - 2642!

Go back to Getting Started Lesson 10 and you'll get what I mean. Go go, revisit your foundations! :D

#141 127日 安七炫 吴建豪

127日 安七炫 吴建豪

不知不觉已经那么久
我还呆在没有你的冰河之中
这些回忆不断在重播
已经冻结的爱已不会再暖和

把握很好说的沉默
我犹豫着还要不要
承认我放不开手

127日的分手就有127颗心在痛
一天一点然后会教会
我怎么能够忽略你感受
用多少眼泪你才找到离开我的理由
也许一直容忍的都是你
因为温柔而为我
犯下的错

眼中只有你美丽身影
而独自搜寻所有关于你的消息
这纵使我已经往前走
我也徘徊在所有美好往事左右

我的心已死去好久
就在你不再爱我的那一天停止跳动

127日的分手就有127颗心在痛
一天一点然后会教会
我怎么能够忽略你感受
用多少眼泪你才找到离开我的理由
也许一直容忍的都是你
因为温柔而为我
犯下的错

How'd we end up here
You know it's funny
I just miss you so much
I still remember holding you kissing you
I wish I could just see you right now lying in my arms
Baby I'm waiting for you
Please just come back to me
I love you

127日的分手留下一个好神秘的我
一天一页让时间证明
忘记你是我做的假动作
我用了多少的寂寞了解你离开的理由
我没有能挽回你的权力
除非你能了解我
心有多痛

#140 How I Feel Like Copypasta-ing

Copypasta-ing a song for today's entry and be done with it. Tempting.

Celebrated Heng Yu's birthday today. For that short 2 hours I was the crazy kid I was three years ago. How liberating. And yet a part of me feels guilty that the real me can be so childish and playful. :S

I like night walks, even if it's just a short 10min walk from the MRT station to home because the night sky and cool breeze brings a certain peace to me. How I long to float into the dark sky and be embraced by tranquil slumber.

And slumber I must, if only for tomorrow's duty. :(

#139 Been Reaaaaallllyyyyy Lazy To Update My Blog

And I don't know the reason why. :(

It's my granny's 2nd death anniversary this week.

I miss her so much...

#138 Late Sunday Whining

My mood's improved loads but my willpower is at an all time low. :(

And I'm practically *trying to* live out Charles Xavier's mutant powers; move things with my mind!

Come on you lazy body, move it, move it!

Today's service (& serving!) was awesome but I was a little brain dead from disruptive sleep the night before. When nature calls, especially at 2.30am in the morning, sleep suffers! I managed to wake up on time but somehow dilly-dallied the extra time away. RAWR! >:(

At least I got my guitar re-stringed and that's all thanks to Jun Chen! :D

#137 ^_^

Aww so cute! There was this baby in a pram on the train, playing with a bottle of mineral water. He kept dropping the bottle, then bawling bitterly. His expression immediately change when his mother picked the bottle up and returned it to him. This happened over and over again. Such a cute little thing! :D

But you know, I started thinking, if that were my kid I'd probably be frustrated. And if he were much older (say 10 years old?) I'd probably be reprimanding him. :(

My belief is this: Let a child enjoy his childhood, but don't let him become spoiled.

At this point in time though, that little boy's just a baby, so its alright. Kawaii! *_*

The Week: TL;DR Version*

The week started off crappy but soon got better. Thank God for the moulding; the process was painful but the ongoing results are looking good!

Cell group was a blast. And,

I regained the gift of smiling from my heart. :)

P.S. TL;DR = Too long; Didn't read. Basically an abridged version.

#136 CRAZY!

On 17 June I posted on my Facebook that I'm in need of my kbox fix.

11 days later, I realised I've gone on 4 Kbox outings with 1 more coming up tomorrow and another 2 more yet to be scheduled.

I think I'm starting to get sick of it already. Need to learn new songs.

When it rains, it never drizzles. It pours. :S

Oh please tell me.

#135 In The End

Above all, You are my strength.

It's not going to be easy but it's never impossible.

Let's go.

#134 TGIF & Home Sweet Home!

So glad to be home. CG's just over an hour later though, so no time to catch a quick nap.

Flash back to the morning: It start with a drizzle, quickly culminating into a deluge. And so I walk-ran through the rain from Joo Koon to camp. Drenched is not the word to describe it. It was kind of exhilirating; I miss the Life Run's with Sasi & Meng How. :(

And so the rest of the day I felt kind of stone-faced. Must have dozed off more than 20 times. Forgot to do so many things, such as buying a new shirt to wear home. I ended up re-wearing the still wet shirt and jeans home. Yuck!

#133 Thursday

Yet another arrow. I'm close to getting used to it. So close. Come closer...

Rushed off to help out with chair arrangements. Managed to reach in time to help out one terrace but that's about it. Had to rush off straight after. Looks like time really isn't on my side. But I'm glad I went because it actually inspired me. The camaraderie brought renewed levels of energy my spent body could never have imagined. Thank God! :D

Wish I could have helped more though.

Met the Ocean Butterfly people for steamboat *whines about price*. It was a good catch up time; We'd not met since at least 2 weeks ago after the conclusion of Intermediate. And so I was determined not to break the promise to meet.

Left the steamboat place smelling like fish though.

It was really fun on hindsight. :)

#132 Do I Really Look Like A Zombie?!

Took a day's leave to just rest. Examined the cuts and bruises in my life and dug out old hurts that have resurfaced. I've fallen short. But still You are faithful.

Thank you for the heads up from Junwei, Jun Chen and then Jason.

You have many plans for me but my heart first has to be right and ready to receive.

Take away that which destroys and bring to me a whole new life.

I smile once more. :)

#131 lolwut?

Combine clueless with awkward. You'll get insecurity. :S

I wish there were a WWJD pill. Fire is never comfortable, but that's where I'll learn the perspective of eternity. I am weak and You are strong. And You shall make me strong.

And thank you for the ninja-prayer Marc. I call it that because I was so caught off-guard during cell. :) It meant a lot when I know you care beyond, beyond just saying you do.

No more being emo-superhero. No more being sour grapes or making reactive decisions.

I've always wondered in my heart why I seem to have extra special grace upon me whenever, wherever. And it is especially evident when mistakes are made. Today, sitting in S1 listening to Pastor Tan, watching my logic crumble to dust where the Word stands in its place, I know why.

And when the world stares us down, when the walls come falling, when righteousness is welling up, I'll remember that You've done it first. You've chosen mercy over judgement.

P.S. Oh and, three more things.

1. Toy Story 3 is a must-watch. I held back my tears. So embarrassing!

2. It's official. $14 spent to watch 3D. Couldn't see any difference between that and 2D except for the blur without the 3D glasses. Thank God for my cousin's treat. :)

3. Watch Toy Story 3, I insist.

#130 Let Me Be Stronger

And remove that complaining spirit within me. Let my self-righteousness shatter. Let me put more into doing and less into whining.

And let that searing feeling fade and victory come back into my heart.

#129 Wednesday

When excitement dies down, peace sets in.

I don't feel so "edgy" (to borrow a word) now. :)

Even today, I know that God is with me and for me.

And I may be silly but that doesn't stop Him from loving me.

#128 WOOHOO!

That was random. *Lets out another guttural scream*

Thanks Jed for the BS yesterday. And how long has it been since I last talked to Annie & Aaron? Surprise, surprise. And (so many "and's") after 1 & 1/2 years commuting to and from Jurong Point area, I finally realise that there is a:

1. Jurong Medical Centre
2. Jurong Library

In the vicinity. What a total n00b.

Was refreshed by the teaching. The basics may be elementary, but if we do not even build right our foundation, our fall will be great. I'll learn to delight in the Lord! :)

Arrows (in camp) come freely this week but they are not insurmountable. I spent 1/2 hour whining and 1/2 hour completing the work. I guess the lesson I've learnt is, even if it isn't your job, if you do it, you learn something and the job gets done in optimum time.

Even if you whine, you still have to do it. And if you don't, well, the repercussions (though unfair), are there.

It's alright. 181 days remaining!

#127 Rawr!

I'd love to blog more. :(

Didn't make it for Saturday's service thanks to my laziness. Have to admit it. :(

But at least I managed to get the cell group birthday card for Liyun out. Thank God for my mom. I had the idea but without her execution the card would have looked like a kindergarten kid's art piece. No offense to them (the kindergarten kids) though.

And so I slept at 2am, woke up at reporting time on Sunday, and cabbed down. Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm a lousy time-keeper! :(

After the dust settled at around 1pm, I went off alone feeling really really physically tired. And the feeling sucked bad when you have that overwhelming "lack of sleep" feeling. Kept feeling like an emo superhero all day. Thank God for Him, I managed to come out with the occasional smile by refocusing on happy thoughts! :D

And so Sunday ended and Monday came. I'm not sure why, but I was super energised during breakfast time! I guess in spite of all that introverted-ness, there's still a tiny part of me that really appreciates crowds in the form of friends. And so some of us had quite a laugh at the Ops Room rest area (forgot the official term) during breakfast as I related my Primary & Secondary school crushes and how they ended. (All hilariously unsuccessful!) Everyone was saying what a wuss I was! :S

One thing that really stuck with me from Pastor Phil Pringle's sharing on Sunday was this;

If it's funny afterwards, it's funny right now.

Our human instinct is to be afraid in times of uncertainty. But yet the Bible tells us that in no uncertain terms (pun intended!) that everything has been provisioned and is according to God's plan. It might be a struggle but the best way to approach a challenge is to see it in a victorious retrospect, to see that it has been overcome.

Funny how I don't feel that way when it comes to certain areas of my life. And so, mould me.

#126 In Testing My Patience You Gave Me Peace

But there's so much more to improve. And I'll smile today because of You.

I've been waking up early each day for no apparent reason. Seems my body likes to rouse 1/2 hour before my alarm clock rings. And I spend the next 45mins hovering in and out of restless sleep. But that's alright; Thank God its Friday!

But making birthday cards *groans* is not my forte. I need creativity and a steady hand!

I hope I can make it for Jurong West service tomorrow!

#125 It's Kind Of Sad

I'm surprised too, that I'll be sad that my AO's leaving the unit; He's transferring to another position elsewhere, off to greener pastures hopefully. And while I've saw him as a friend and all, we have our differences and working with him has been a roller coaster. At the end of the day, however, I'm glad that, well, I've had this officer and friend to work with.

I've always had this issue with sentimentality. I never usually say it because the times when I really feel that way, I can't really speak. I guess that's because guys can't really multi-task as well as girls can. But really, a great thank you, Mr Edwin, to the times in TRMC and for that last super mega awesome lunch treat at Sakura International Buffet! :)

So, sir, it's been awesome knowing you and best wishes for your future endeavours. And may you have marital bliss! :D P.S. All through the later half of the day I've had a song ringing in my head as this heavy feeling resides in my mind (for lack of a better description). I can't remember it right now though.

And for myself, I'm only left with 6 months. It's a scary thought wondering what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, after having the many growing phases of my life pass me by just like that. But at the same time, it's learning how to let go of the past and spring forth into the future with confidence that builds our character. Because if we always live for past glories, we'll never amount to be the person that we were meant to be, that God wants us to be.

And so when the time comes for me to finally leave, I'm really praying that I'll be able to say proudly that it has been a wonderful time here, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to many good years ahead (as Jason puts it).

And so I'll end this entry here, for the moment. Maybe I'll get back to it, maybe I'll just move on.

#124 The Day Of Reckoning

Is tomorrow. Exam time! And I am not at all confident achieving my best results because I haven't been practising too consistently. Plus I'm super tired. Blame it on my lack of self-control. Need. To. Stop. Gaming. Playing catch-up is not fun. :(

But it's all fine; I'm looking forward to a night of karaoke with the cousins on Wednesday and then consecutive administrative duties on Thursday, Friday & the following Monday. I'm quite glad; that pretty much clears up my duties for the month. One of my madam calls me crazy for being happy at doing duties. =P

I want to draw ever nearer. Strengthen my personal resolve to run after You.

And You know what I want. If it is Your will, then let it be so. If not, then I praise You anyway, for You know the best. :)

#123 The Week That Passed

Has been a long, mentally arduous week. But still, I thank God for the smile He has put in my heart. And I know that people care and I am blessed with guardian angels all around.

But I'm about to get all emo. Kidding.

Warning, what is written next is purely personal and reflects only my own one-dimensional view of the things in my life. It is in no way an objective view of the things that have happened.

This past 2 days have been much merry-making; Celebrated my cousin, Evelyn's (a.k.a. Sotong) 21st birthday on Saturday, as well as attended my newborn nephew, Sean's one month old celebration. Deep inside, though, I feel so troubled. More on that later.

I'm not really a social animal; I prefer sticking to myself while singing songs alone, so I couldn't really mix around initially. Funny right? Since we should have been well-gelled together. It's just... me. :(

It hasn't been long since I've blogged about my father, and while I am thankful for him and for even having a father, I guess I feel so restricted at times. But first and foremost I really have to thank God for His salvation; Only recently did I truly feel like my own person, and not a puppet. I don't feel as weak-willed as before. I don't feel like when dad speaks, I shut up or when dad scolds, I give up and withdraw into my shell.

Because you see, parents want so much for us to shine and achieve greatness. But that greatness they desire in us may not be what we truly want. And that's the problem I've been having. And that's the problem my family's been facing all this while.

Okay, this is going deep, in a personal sense.

I keep seeing families going on holidays together, having time to meet each other and stuff, children getting what they want, or at least some of what they want. But that's just fine, I don't mind not having what I haven't had. But what really hurts my heart is when your dad goes all out to make others happy, to give a good present/red packet for someone else's birthday, to insist on paying for the whole karaoke session with the extended family and then when you get home, gives you leftovers. Or prepares a buffet for the extended family, gives his staff the off, and then gets the immediate family to help out in everything, only to give them a public scolding when they make mistakes in front of the extended family.

Oh come on.

We're not part of the company. We're not drawing from the payroll. We're not even volunteers! It hurts because time and time decisions are made for us, rules set for us which we have no control or knowledge about and then force-fed upon us.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I love him till the point I don't mind sacrificing my life for him if it would make everything all be better right now. But this just... sucks. But how do we say it? On one hand, we know he's busy trying to make ends meet for the family, working hard. But on the other hand, we feel totally neglected emotionally. Each time he reaches home there's a 50% chance I'm going to get a lecture on the things I have neglected or done wrong, or that I'm lazy or weak-willed, immature, don't know what I'm doing with my life or just plain insipid. (Okay maybe not the insipid/stupid part but you get the point.)

Cut. Enough. Time out.

In spite of all that diarrhoea, I know that I'm more than a conqueror. I just need to vent. But there's so much the devil's waiting to dig up from my past, so much of my weak points that he wants to attack.

And so, like Jed has mentioned, I will have to guard my heart. This week's not going to be easy either. But you know, after today, I'm only just going to become stronger. Because the God I know will deliver. And while Pastor Kong is fighting the good fight, waging the spiritual war for the church, I will fight my personal battles in tuned with the Spirit.

Above all, I thank You for people. No man is an island. And when two or more come together that's where You are. My dreams, my wants, my desires can wait. We will wage war, temper our characters, fortify our patience and then we will receive the rewards! :)

P.S. It's not even half of what I intended to write. But that's enough. It's enough.

#122 The Week's Come To An End

But I don't know whether to be happy or sad. This week seemed like a wasted week on hindsight. Not much progress in personal development. :(

But slowly everything's going back to normal routine, though deep down I know, the fire still burns!

I wonder what the future holds for us. *Deep in thought*

Still, I'm glad I can serve! :D

Son: Good night, pa.

Dad: Good night, son.

#121 Shattered

The cuts hurt. A lot.

But Reagan refused to cry. He couldn't. And yet deep within him he wept far harder than he ever thought he could. Deep within him, the tears flowed freely. Deep within him, where no one could see, where no one was supposed to see, he truly felt like something had died.

'Get lost! Go away, I don't want to see you ever! You're making things awkward!' She had screamed in frustration and revulsion, leaving him confused. Never mind that he was all beaten up and bloodied. He couldn't, in the first place, understand why she'd to leave. Why she'd allowed them to manhandle him was not even on his mind.

And yet he couldn't let go. She'd loved him once, he believed. She could love him once more.

He remembered the first signs. 'I'm sorry, I tried but I failed. I... It all just keeps coming back whenever I see him. I can't be with you anymore, I'm sorry.' How he chose to believe in spite of the cracks, time spent reassuring her, letting her know he'd always be there. He tried to ask her what was wrong. She never spoke a word.

The bathtub began to overflow.

It was all too perfect, Reagan knew. And yet deep inside of him he wished it were real, that their love was true and would last the test of time. He had made a pledge, he had tried his best and he had been living out his promises all this while. Until now.

He'd met her by chance, at the hotel where they worked. It was just like a fairytale; two kindred souls who happened to share a tea break during one of the lull times. Both were part-timers just looking to earn some extra pocket money. He thought he'd found more.

Reagan winced as the memories flooded back. He'd not known, even now, what had happened and somewhere inside of him, he knew he'd been taken for a ride all this while, only to be dumped when he'd outlived his usefulness. But still he loved.

Why? Why do you leave? Why does that face, once smiling so sweetly, now cast such a pernicious glare?

It didn't matter now. Reagan closed his eyes and breathed his last.

****

Writer's Note

First of all, its a story, the inspiration of which came from a tale written by some dude with free time in NS. I merely borrowed a situation and let the ending develop on its own as I wrote.

It's not real, I'm not trying to be an emo-superhero. I just... want to get back to writing once more. And what better than to start with the genre (for lack of a better word) I'm so familiar with: emo-sob stories.

P.S. I know I'm bad at descriptive words when it comes to the backdrop. ~_~

#120 Suddenly Felt Like Posting Something Corny

Something along the lines of, "We cannot choose what happens to us but we can choose our actions".

Darn, that fails.

I'm going to skim through the past few days so it shouldn't be too long!

Asia Conference was igniting through the past week. Its way beyond awesome.

Monday was boring paperwork in the early part and a cosy, comfy dinner gathering in the night. And I bet the jokers (Ah Peck, Lychee, John Ma, Dennis, Bo Chun) had awesome fun! Sorry I couldn't make it for the kbox after. Was feeling bleah *sticks out tongue* and so I left with Bo Chun for a good early night's sleep. Just in time.

I struggled to wake up on Tuesday but we managed to get to Prayer 365. And how timely it was! We're the first CG in the Zone to be able to pray for the Church ever since the incident on the news. And that's about all that I will comment regarding the investigations. Thanks Marc for the trip to and fro!

Okay that was short. Relatively, considering how long the past posts have been. :)

*Stomach rumbles* Time for some breakfast. :D
HELLO WEDNESDAY

#119 On This Night, A Good Wind Blows

I finally get it. To get people to smile from their heart, I have first got to smile from my own heart.

****

I'm ashamed, you know, after 5 days of Asia Conference, of serving and receiving and being really impacted, the first thing I really want to blog about is something totally unrelated.

And sometimes I struggle with what I can post on my blog, because it is, after all, a public place. This is especially so for what I am about to post next. But no matter how much I hem and haw, I guess I really just want to pen it down, to let it loose from clogging up my heart.

This was on the train. How rare that I get the chance to really dream while awake. To just get lost in my thoughts and being saturated by the bittersweet thoughts as they rush by. To be magically uplifted and be filled so full in the heart, brimming with joy and then to be, in the next moment, be left utterly in want, in desperation, in insecurity. I'm talking about what we call interpersonal love.

(How do I put it in words, I wonder?) At the stage of a newly ignited feeling, I "made use" of that emotion and channeled to God, to bring my love for Him to a higher level. I began to remember my First Love and what it really meant to me, for I was dead at that time. But yet, after about one and a half months, the feeling of interpersonal love (not to God, oh gosh, I so don't know how to put this into words) has grown to a certain point.

And it is at this same point where time and again in the past, I have done the only thing I have known with regards to this area of my life after having lived for 21 years.

To crush it. To ground it to dust and let it fade away. Why, because I fear. I am terrified. I do not for any reason wish to stay any longer in a state of uncertainty. I guess I still have not totally given up this area in my life to God.

However I cannot coherently explain the rationale behind this but I do know that I don't want to do so any longer (to destroy hope before even trying). But its tempting. It sure is. It's like I know so little and yet feel so much. I understand so little and yet hope for so much.

Oh, what exactly am I trying to say?

A dash of colour

Contrasting pallor

A racing heartbeat

Pacing the concrete

****

It's like I caught the Spirit as I passed by on my way home after the train ride. I was listening to my mp3 player and the next moment I felt this urge to pray in the Spirit. And as I took off my mp3 player and started praying, I could hear other people praying along from a unit above me, at the block I was walking past home. What a magical feeling.

And I firmly believe in Matthew 6:5-6.

****

Self esteem, self concept. Today's preaching by Dr A. R. Bernard was alien to my uninitiated mind, but I thank God for being present. Because it opened up horizons, thought processes in my mind that I never knew could exist. And the paradigm shift is an empowering experience. I want to receive the full impact of what was preached into my life.

I want. I can. I will. This is, after all, the generation.

#118 So Much To Say

And yet I can't find the words.

Serving has been tough, waking up has been tougher and yet at the end of each day I find myself thanking God for the opportunity to be there.

Mom came for Reinhard Bonnke's sermon. I was really hoping for her arms, legs and spine to be healed. But one thing that I really brought away is this; God uses anyone and everyone, not just a "Big Man". And so even as there wasn't a healing altar call, I took the chance to pray for her. Just a little seed. Just a spoken word. But the Holy Spirit has been hovering ever since the day of Pentecost, waiting only for the word to be spoken for miracles to be unleashed. And I want to believe that.

Use me, I said. Even if I tremble within.

And I noticed that I smiled much more this whole Asia Conference than all the time I've served as an usher in normal service, in spite of the tiredness. There's just so much fulfillment in what I am doing and I'm really thankful for the wonderful people around me who made it happen.

(On to a thanksgiving list; it's going to sound churchy!)

Thanks to an awesome CGL in Marc, who visited me in a time when my heart was calloused and closed. (Luke 11:8 Persistence)

Thanks to an awesome brother in Zong Han, who somehow through persistence got through to me and encouraged me.

Thanks to an exemplary TL in Ariel, who inspired me in her joy and understanding, never giving up!

Thanks to the various people in CG, such as Joson and Boon Ping (and many more I have not named) who completely wow me when I see them so eager to receive in spite of being young in the Lord. Truthfully, it is the little children that will inherit the Kingdom of God.

Even if it seems so, It's not without struggles or temptations each day of the Conference. Because as the days past, I feel more and more inclined to take time off and come later, or skip the next day totally just to do the things that I want to do or to relax. I feel like my body is spent and I feel like a good long sleep would be in order. But all these things just fade away when I remembered the promise I made in my heart; I will fling myself with the last ounce of my strength to receive, just as the woman with the issue of blood had done so many years ago.

And even though I do not have a pressing, wasting illness, my disease is being weak and insignificant, lacking in contribution to this world. But if I can just make a little difference, then that's all that I desire.

But still I have this tiny, little thing that I am asking of God. And I pray it will be answered soon. Pretty please?

#117 Awwwwwesome!

Asia Conference. It's massive, it's beyond mind-boggling. We're meeting Him once more.

Stopped a short while to get some rest and top up my physical and spiritual fuel tank at home so I can serve, serve, serve some more!

Okay, time's up!

#116 My God Is Mighty To Save

This week has been a pretty horrid week. But God has saved the week. :)

I'm tired as anything but I'll not lay down my head to rest just yet. Still got the rest of the day to finish!

I'll share more later. :)

#115 I Feel Old & Emo

It's a bittersweet thing.

Little Sean Tay has arrived and I am officially part of the previous generation of Tay's.

And as Evelyn hits her 21st birthday the following Monday, I realise albeit late, that wow, time sure flew. The last time I checked, we were still playing Nintendo on National Day, laughing at the 20-somethings.

You see, I've been an uncle (as in nephew/niece-uncle and not cock-eye, thick glasses, can't see further than the bridge of my nose uncle) since 10 years old I think. But well, when a close cousin of mine finally has a kid of his own, somehow, something inside of me just goes into disarray. I still feel like a kid. :(

And then I... OH MY GOSH! I forgot the planned makan session tomorrow night!

Gosh, my memory's real bad. :(

I've been a bad, bad boy. No more blog for tonight.

#114 Open Up The Floodgates

Oh boy. Emotion wells up as I send gospel songs to Zong Han for his new Iphone.

Songs of praise and worship, fragments of beautiful memories from 4 years ago.

How ashamed I feel. :(

**

You Laid Aside Your Majesty - Noel Richards

You laid aside Your Majesty

Gave up everything for me

Suffered at the hands

Of those You had created

You took all my guilt and shame

When You died and rose again

Now today You reign

In heaven and earth exalted

I really want to worship You, my Lord

You have won my heart and I am Yours

For ever and ever

I will love You

You are the only one who die for me

Gave Your life to set me free

So I lift my voice to You in adoration

**

Reminds me why I love worship so much.

It's been a long time coming.

**

How Can I Keep From Singing - Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

In the darkest night

For I know my Saviour lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing You'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your Love

How can I keep from shouting Your Name

I know I am loved by the King

And It makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me , Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

**

Who remembers? Who feels the same way like I do when I worship?! Who feels that overflow of emotion that when you sing, you don't just breathe words but deep inside something happens?!

Who remembers care group RP at 8pm, being provided the room by the grace of God and crying out with all our hearts?! Who remembers singing off-key, making joyful noise and yet knowing deep down that the tune doesn't matter?!

Maybe once upon a time, when I was hurting, I locked it all up, the memories. But now I remember. I remember it crystal clear.

That is why I sing.

#113 You Know What Can Really Get Me Down?

Uncertainty. Self doubt. Being Wronged.

Now, you know what can really get me high? Thanking God for the simplest things.

And of course, seeing people smile. :)

**

Just yesterday, as I went to buy lunch-dinner from the nearby chai peng stall I was having a chat with the stallholder lady (A little history here: this same lady sold chai peng at the coffeeshop near my house when I was still a little kid with cock eye. Meaning my eyes looked into the middle). Suddenly, she brought up the topic of my grandmother and asked if I missed her. She also mentioned that my elder brother was my granny's favourite grandson.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about this awesome lady in my life who suffered many trials, gone through many hardships, hardened herself because of life, but still managed to love my family in spite of the pain and suffering. Now I cannot share what she has gone through but believe me, just thinking about it can set me halfway to depression.

And you know, for a moment there, I was just a wee bit jealous that I wasn't her favourite grandson. And if there were any chance for me to do something for her right now, I'd do it. But as it stands, the book has already closed and I can only pray that I'll meet her up in heaven.

**

Recently, God put into my heart two breakthroughs in my vocals that will be coming my way. Because of that, I can get excited simply thinking and remembering the sounds. Which makes me feel so weird. But who cares, right? It's personal! :)

And I hope I get the chance to use it powerfully. Just wait. ;)

**

And you know, I've got a good feeling about the days ahead. Let me cling on to it longer. :)

#112 Yawn!

*Blinks eyes*

It's 4 in the afternoon, I've just woke up from a pretty awesome afternoon nap feeling refreshed and ready for the evening ahead (outreach: Shrek! Haven't watched first 3 instalments but never mind).

So, how did I get here? To sleep, I mean (I'm supposed to be in camp after all right?). To cut a long story short, a few birthdays were celebrated in camp and one of the birthday boys was senior enough so he said we could have free and easy in the afternoon. And because we are a stay-out unit... You can guess the rest.

Nice.

**

Jason:

I realised I was pretty insensitive when I sms-ed you that I was going home on half day when you probably have to stay late. It really was not intentional! :( But never mind, what's done is done, look forward to the weekends!

**

Sometimes I feel like a leaf in the wind, and it takes so much effort just to keep sight of God and being positive. And I remind myself the choice I have made, to celebrate life not because of the good things but in spite of the bad ones. It's a daily struggle but it certainly is not self-indulgence or self-consolation.

But somehow I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and well, things just work out. And it might not be in the ways that I expect them to be but when things fall into place, often the result is better than what I might have hoped for. And I save the effort of worrying the whole time!

**

I've been painfully aware for the past 1 or 2 years that I've been having this severe Writer's block. Where once words and stories flow to me, right now I can't seem to find the right words even when I am inspired with a story. And that is the same for all creative lines; we have just got to admit it that many times we will hit a rock wall.

But while I am facing this Writer's block, I'm certainly not sitting in front of the wall waiting for it to shatter supernaturally. While I can be praying, expecting and brushing up on my literary skills, I've also learn to diversify. I'm now doing many other things that I would never do if I devoted my time to writing. Singing (yes, this absolutely had to be repeated for the umpteenth time) is my new creative kid and I sure am loving it! :)

My point is this. Perhaps we love this part of our life dearly. But sometimes, God doesn't want us to miss out on the other exciting aspects of life as well! And just yesterday on the way to meeting Jun Wei for Bible Study, I was conversing with Sasi on the train. We came to the topic of being in a situation where after a long time of struggling, we find ourselves in a repeating pattern of doing the same things and getting the same results.

And that is where we have to break the pattern as soon as we realise it.

**

And talking about Sasi reminds me of what I wanted to post yesterday night. I respect that guy, Sasi. Because until yesterday, I've never found someone who prioritises Philia over Eros.

Wuh, what, who, how? You say.

Philia - Brotherly Love (Family, in this instance)

Eros - Romantic Love (A side note: Eros does not have to be sensual in nature. Just so you know)

Now I can't go into details, but I will say that Sasi really is an exceptional family, whether by personal choice or by upbringing or by a mixture of both. And I can only wish him well, because he makes the tough decisions even at convenient times. :)

**

SPLAT.

My mental diarrhoea has just stopped and I'm out of words. :'(

Now let me get this bittersweet feeling out of my heart and do the things that matter!

#111 I Can't Help It!

It's too awesome! The Kbox outing with Zong Han & Joson I meant. Though it was only us 3, it was a blast! I'm so addicted to singing. :)

You know honestly I had second thoughts on whether to "put aeroplane" all the way through because I wanted to sleep and I didn't know if I could survive energy level-wise for the BS with Jun Wei tomorrow. But everyone knows that Windez can't say a convincing no. :(

And so I mumbled and jumbled and went, with the evil thought of taking MC tomorrow if I cannot take it. Well, hours later, I'm glad I went for the karaoke because it was extremely awesome and refreshing! I haven't enjoyed this much in quite a while. Kudos to Zong Han for planning and following through in spite of the last minute cancellations and lack of attendance. We 3 are enough! :D

P.S. I'm not going to take MC tomorrow. The temptation shall flee from my sight this moment!

And I must really thank God for the breakthrough in my vocals. I was feeling rather demoralised yesterday after trying out my exam song with music. It was on all counts devoid of emotion. I realised I devoted so much effort to technique and so little on evoking feelings that I think it was believable if I let someone hear the recording and said it was synthetically done through Auto-tune.

You know, if you just dare, miracles are going to happen. And it did for me this day. Thanks God! :)

**

And today, I've got a few verses to share with everyone who feels like they have been shortchanged, that others who are doing lesser are getting better remunerations and they feel that this shouldn't be the case:

Matthew 20:1-16 It's too long to type out everything but I'd just like to say that whatever God decides to give us or others now is up to Him. He is sovereign and his plans are beyond us.

I believe that even as God gives others much when they have done little and seems to give us little when we have done much, He has merely given them on earth in full what they have deserved.

For us on the other hand, He has given us some here on earth and stored the rest of His blessings up in heaven, Matthew 6:20 "Where moth and rust do not destroy".

"So the first will be last and the last will be first." People may be held up high for now but we know in our hearts that our blessings are eternal.

This serves as personal reminder to myself, especially when I slog hard and others get day offs, when on my duty days I stay late and when someone who plays punk does duty, he is released earlier or when someone pretends to be sick, nothing is done about him. Because it doesn't matter what another person gets.

And now I know that I know that I know! :)

**

In putting pen to paper, or letters to blog in this case, I am trying to remind myself that in the run up to Asia Conference, we're going to get distractions and temptations by the truckload.

We'd be coerced, tempted, compelled and badgered to be involved in countless time-guzzling low-priority activities and be confused and misled into misunderstandings.

We'd be drained of our joy by the time Asia Conference comes so when we step into the Hall, all we feel like doing is sulking or turning into emo-superheroes.

But that's not going to happen, right my friends? We are going to safeguard this joy, the light in our eyes, the energy and passion we have and we are going to amplify and overcome whatever the world throws at us! At the same time we need to believe breakthroughs can happen and we're going to knock down walls and keep on keeping on.

Which brings to mind HOPE. Holding On, Praying Expectantly.

C'mon lets do it! We can do it! Yeah!

At this point, Windez's battery runs dry.

#110 I've Said This Before

And now I shall pen it down for posterity's sake.

In the run up to the Asia Conference, I sense that there will be (and it is happening even now) spiritual attacks upon our lives, especially in the areas of busyness as well as our bonds with people.

It is important, I feel, to be able to humble ourselves and see that we might be looking at a wrong angle, so that breakthroughs can come into our lives when we do. To use myself as an example; I tried to grow and "build depth" in the Word and end up close to being burnt out before realising it today. And I thank God for the brothers and sisters who care about me to share about me. It isn't an easy word, but I receive it.

It ain't what I do, but He who does it.

And things can only get better from now. :)

I just had to say it, so that I can tell myself, "See? I told you so!", if I manage to forget, which I hope I won't!

**

And now for less serious stuff. I spent an entire day tinkering with OpenOffice trying to get Writer (the freeware equivalent of Microsoft Word) to do what I needed to do.

The key word is trying, because I failed at the end of the day. And it's amusing; Its the little bugs and programming quirks that made me want to tear my hair out. But I managed to complete the job which fulfilled 90% of my personal expectations.

I consider this experience a good reminder, because for the past year, I haven't been having any challenges with technical expertise at work that cannot be solved. You could say a little failure brings humility and a fresh perspective into my outlook.

And then I had vocal class. I was pretty satisfied with the practical part of the lesson (practical as in the exercises that we had to do), but when I tried to sing the song I prepared for the exam, I felt like I was regurgitating straight from the song sheet. Try as I might, I still cannot find a way to express greater emotions into the song, so I left the school with a heavy heart.

Thank God for the funny guys from Ops Room. They tried to surprise me by going to the old location of my vocal school! (We have just moved about a week ago.)

Fancy 4 "suaku" guys camping in front of the elevator waiting for me to pop out and spam calling my phone, none of which I received because in the new building, reception is poor at best.

So when I finally saw their messages and directed them to the new location, we headed off in a snazzy car to eat.

Don't ask me what model or brand, because I don't know cars and cars don't know me! Well technically only I ate, because the rest had been hopping around the food joints all over Singapore such that by the time I joined them, they were bloated.

So after some Char Kuay Teow from Zion Food Centre and some crazy turns and zipping around small roads around Singapore, our dear Ah Peck dropped us at NP and we hopped on buses to reach home safe and sound. Another exciting end to an awesome day!

Now, after a bath and some talk time over the phone, sleep beckons. I oblige.

#109 Thank You Lord!

For:

#1

A wonderful mom, and a wonderful time with mom at the cinemas today. Ip Man 2 was an awesome show! I'm so glad I caught it, and who better to watch it with than the one who brought me to this earth? We both enjoyed the show! :)

#2

A wonderful team leader! Special mention to you Ariel! For tagging my blog. :) Thank you for the advice and the guidance in usher and in my personal walk, as well as the positivity and joy in your life; it is infectious! You are appreciated! :)

#3

For a wonderful CG, special mention to Marc, Jun Wei & Zong Han. For the longest of time, I must have been a stubborn sheep going my own way into trouble. Looking back, I realised I was trapped in past failures and failed to give the future a chance. But still you guys persevered! Oh what would I do without you guys! Let's grow together, being armour bearers to our leader! :D

#4

For a tumultuous 5 years since first knowing You, God. Because You have changed me so much, moulded me to where I never thought I'd be. While on the train back home after the movie with mom, I was reflecting and I realised that I have grown so much in self-worth and confidence in the past few months as compared to the whole of my life. And that comes with the realisation that my worth is not in the things I do. And I don't reproach myself with malice as before, but I look at experiences in a positive light.

I never knew I could be caring; I'd always thought I'd be the silly little boy with the crooked teeth, so afraid of crowds that I'd cover my face with a book at recess time and literally walk into walls. Or run away from my crush after confessing my feelings. Looking back, it's really amusing. But I thank God that I can say that I'm not as angry and emo-superhero as before.

It might be weird to say this, but right now I'm not ashamed to be called Windez. Because I am not my own person. I am ransomed by Your love, no less.

#5

For the safety net of friends that You have given me. They are awesome, amazing, *insert superfluous adjectives*. I'm at a lost for words. People may fail us, but when God works through people, they will pull through.

#6

I usually get the "short end of the stick" when it comes to duty planning, as I have the tendency to plan lousier days for myself or take more duties than others because I want to treat them well.

Well, I don't take it to heart. This month though, God decided to do a wonderful thing. As such, I've completed ALL my duties for the month last week, and am free to take Leave/Off undisturbed to help out for Asia Conference and do whatever needs to be done during this two weeks. The only thing I need to take note is to remember to plan next month's duty! @_@

**

I'm so looking forward to the Wednesday Kbox outing as well as the Friday CG outreach-Shrek movie! I'm honestly addicted to singing. And what more with wonderful friends! Too but I can't sing along in the theatre!

*Mind goes into overload due to a funny concoction of physical tiredness and spiritual uplift after an awesome prayer time during QT*

P.S. Beware, because I'm going into camp with a smile tomorrow! :)

Extra time!

Oh yeah, I think I should get back down to earth at this point.

Yesterday night, something supernatural happened to me. It may have been weird and scary, but I have this feeling that it's the start of a breakthrough.

And breakthrough means what? *Looks through notes and groans* Oh man! It means I first have to hit a brick wall! Can't say I'm ready but I choose to believe!

#108 Oh Dear! :(

Out of the 3 days I took off on, I've already failed to catch up on sleep for 2. The last one's tomorrow. Hope I'll at least rest a bit. Because the computer... is too tempting. :(

My eyes! My eyebags! >_< *Yawn*

Why so tired, you say? Well that's because after an awesome time at Meng How's 21st birthday, especially with the surprise water-bomb segment where he sat there blindfolded with a bad gut feeling while we prepare to pelt him with water-filled balloons, we got to the station only to realise that we missed the last train.

Now Yuanfeng, if you're reading this, next time we got an empty taxi seat, you better take the seat and don't come and try to accompany me. One stranded is better than two, especially if you don't have a backup plan, okay?

So yeah, we spent half an hour walking around White Sands trying to find a cab. We got on one and the smart-alec in me decided to try and save some Vitamin M ($) and cab to Park Mall to hitch a Night Rider home. We reached there (Yuan Feng and I) only to realise that the particular bus-stop we were at did not have the Night Rider service we needed. We ended up brisk walking to Somerset before heading home on separate Night Riders. I reached home at 1.30am. :(

Slept at 2am, woke up 1hr 35 mins later than the time (5.10am) that I set for my alarm (at 6.45am, feeling like a fool caught with his pants down), stressed a little (only a little, because I couldn't really think) and then was chauffeured to Expo. (Oh, taxi, what would I do without you?!)

And you know what? Serving today was awesome, had quite an experience running between two Terraces, trying to fill one, and taking attendance! But really, when everyone sat down, things got so much more orderly! And surprise, surprise! I saw Darryl (Machohunk, do you still remember that nick?) back in Usher Ministry after so long. I mean, I have never actually served with him, as he became an usher while I was still in Hope and he stopped for quite a while to protect the country full time! I'm talking about NS, Commando leh! :)

It was a pretty hectic affair, and I missed the outlines by Pastor Derrick! :( Anyone can share their notes with me? I'd be so grateful!

But something embarrassing happened after service, the shifting of chairs and helping out with taking out the banners. I received a call and headed for a briefing (Ushers only! You have to join to find out what what was said!) for the upcoming Asia Conference. So after the briefing we were dismissed, except for the team of the leader who had dismissed us.

Now I'm from 4_3_. When they said, "Team 4 stay back, the rest can leave," I thought, 'I'm in Group 4 right?' (Spoiler: I'm not in Team 4, I'm in Team 3)

*Gasp! Shocking mistake! Edits made in bold!*

To cut a long story short, they were celebrating some birthdays and I joined in, not knowing anyone there. It didn't turn red lights flashing in my head when the familiar faces had left when we were dismissed. So I kind of sat there stoning and yet trying to join in, though at the same thing feeling like a fool.

Then halfway through praying for the birthday people, I heard a voice in my head say, "Hey dude, you're with the wrong Group." Right there then, my blood froze, my stance wavered, my throat went dry, and honestly, my balls shrank. :(

I stood there meekly till the prayers had ended and gingerly walked to a brother and said, "Hey bro, I think I'm in the wrong Group." He gave me the arhm-chio-look, nodded and managed a, "Huh, really ah?". Immediately, I made some lame excuse and took the chance to speed off, tails between my legs, my face redder than a baboon's backside. (No offence to baboons!)

You know, I'm actually kind of glad I was so stoned through the whole day though, because that made things more bearable when I simply forgot the embarrassing things that happened minutes ago.

@_@

#107 After A Week's Hiatus

Almost. I've got so much to say jam-packed in this little slab of grey matter of mine (for those who don't understand, its the brain) that I don't even know where to begin!

I'll just start randomly!

#1

This week has been awesome thanks to many things that happened. Also, I'm very glad that I sort of reconciled with a fellow clerk in my office, as we had quite a long "feud" due to some misunderstanding. Initially, I took it quite hard when I was first accused of something which I definitely did not do. After a while, I managed to let it go and lift it up to God, and I felt so much free and stronger! :D

#2

I sense that certain people whom I rarely meet/talk to/seem to have forgotten/don't think they are remembered need prayer, so I'm going to dedicate some time for them! :) If you know you do, either tell me, or well, wait to be surprised! I just might be praying for you!

#3

I was looking out of the train yesterday (or today, my memory's that bad) when I saw secondary school couples and it made me reflect on today's societal values and how even children are getting intimate and causing much self-hurt. Then this thought came to my mind:

What if the forever you believed will be, suddenly became the yesterday? How would you face it?

I don't know, maybe its the inner-wimp in me saying that because I dare not to love.

But I sincerely believe that if we love someone, it doesn't matter how we feel; As long as they are doing well, then that's fine. Especially if I'm not together with that person, I'd be glad to see her love and being loved by someone else, although I might feel a tinge of jealousy.

It's not about sacrifice, its about wanting the best for that someone, something that I learnt from the love from my parents, and even God. It doesn't matter what we do, only if its the best for us.

Set it free; If it is meant to be, it will not flee.

But no one's going to get any confessions from me here! :D

#4

I'm not sure how many times I have repeated it but I really want to have balance in my life. I don't want to over-inflate in legalistic beliefs, rules and regulations and neither do I want to sway like a leaf in the wind as an emo-superhero, nor do I want to be the world's biggest cynic. I want to have a combination of spiritually, emotion and pragmatism. And frankly that feels like a huge task! Jeremiah 29:11!

#5

Just yesterday I was feeling downright horrid. I managed to get myself stuck at reading Luke 8-10 for 3 days in a row, as well as being distracted by a game. (Maplestory no less, and I'm ashamed at that! ><>) But against all odds, God confirmed that He's always with me and I managed to breakthrough that limiting factor!

#6

I thank God for putting in my heart to have a prayer session on my own. It has really helped me grow more in my prayer life, though I still feel rough around the edges! But seriously, each time I do so, I pray till I tire of it physically but deep down I still feel hunger for more!

#7

I found my old Christian resources! The Purpose-Driven Life, Stewardship etc. Thank God for treasure trove! :)

#8

Off days! After saving my duty off's since Mar 09, I have finally taken afternoon off on 130510, 140510 and 170510! Thank God for that! Because I really need the rest. *Thumbs Up!*

#9

I've been thinking about remaking another blog. Because each blog has its roots in a change of phase of life, or life direction. And right this moment, I feel that I am at the pinnacle of a change of life direction! To do or not to do, that is the question! (Blatant reference to Shakespeare's Hamlet: To be or not to be, that is the question:)

#10

I've been saying this for the past week and I've even gone so low as to proclaim it freely in cell group. But how can I not, when that still small voice asked me, "Which train door do you want to exit from?"

The best thing is that it came to pass! Especially when the opposite door opened 4 times out of 5 this week, which is another miracle on its own! Ask me to know more! :)

__

And so daylight has ended, the moon has risen far above the clouds and my battery brand is not Energizer. Time to kick the bucket... err... hit the sack!

#106 A Touching Story

By a stroke of fortune, I read this on the papers one day. It's a little overdue though, but the message is timeless.

Source: The Straits Times, Page A8
Issue: Friday, May 7, 2010

I Hate My Mother

My mom only had one eye. I hated her.. She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom only has one eye!"

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. So I confronted her that day and said, "If you're gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!"

My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted out of that house and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go to Singapore to study.

Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children! Get out of here! NOW!!!"

And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After that reunion, I went to the old shack which was my childhood home just out of curiosity. My neighbours said that she has passed away. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have:

My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you are coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.

I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see.... when you were very little, you got into an accident and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place with that eye.

With my love to you,
Your mother.

:'(

#105 The Smell Of MacDonald's Beside Me :'(

On the train back home. So not fair! Especially when my stomach was rumbling! :(

As a result, I took dinner today. On mom's tab! Thank God for that!

Bear with me today, my topics are going to jump from one to another pretty rapidly so for easy of read, I shall number them.

Point 1

I checked my NSF payslip today. I've finally gotten my promotion back pay! :D

+$60 *Ka Ching!* I'm overjoyed!

Point 2

Which brings me to the next topic. I'm actually quite blessed to be in a clerk vocation in NS. I realise my time is really freed up to serve and do other very beneficial things in life. No doubt, the finances are extremely tight. But stretching my dollar is also a life skill I have to learn!

Point 3

Just yesterday, while I was on my Mp3 player, God prompted me that my next breakthrough in vocals will be something awesome! And I really am excited for that because each time I grow as a vocalist, the excitement lasts but for a day or two. After that, reality sets in and I realise I have so much more to learn and improve!

Point 4

And as I was about to put myself down today, I was suddenly reminded of positive speaking. We humans tend to gravitate to people who can understand our situations and lament along with us. However, if we want to get out of our situation and the vicious cycle of hurt, we have got to speak with people who can encourage us! Speak to people who can point out the positives and magnify your strengths. That way, you can learn to build on them and improve!

Point 5

But of course, there are two parts. One is hearing the good word. That's like 5%, and is pretty easy, you just got to have your ears open (and who's ears can be closed anyway?) The other 95% is actually believing, proclaiming, doing and waiting. I call this proactive waiting. :)

Point 6

And on the serving side, after being super hyper excited that I'm going for all 5 days of Asia Conference, my rational mind finally kicked in. I'm not doubting; I still believe that going and serving for all 5 would be awesome. But I believe that the greatest challenge lies one day after Asia Conference. 31st May. It's a Monday, a work day. And after all the excitement, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhere near exhaustion. So I've already started to pray, that I'll be prepared physically and spiritually for the growth spurt and physical marathon!

Point 7

You know what's bogging my mind now? One word, Balance. Because it's so hard to achieve; It's like trying to be an air-conditioner, when you set the temperature at 25 degree Celsius, it cools the room to that temperature and maintains the temperature via a thermostat.

An internal thermostat. That's what I should be praying for right, God?

Point 8 Almost there!

So today as I was flipping my pages, I saw a verse about going 2 miles for someone when he asks for 1 mile, and so on and so forth. I think it was in one of the 4 Gospels.

You know what that reminded me? The Spirit of Excellence. *Awed*

What's that? Can eat or not? Joking.

I want that. I want that so much. I want to do things to the best and not half-past-six. I want to be more than a conqueror. Pretty please?

And that's the end. Pretty much.

Though I do have a song that's stuck in my head. It's a magical song. I believe it's even older than me. So without much further ado, I bring you (lyrics only!):

Hello by Lionel Richie

I've been alone with you inside my mind

And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times

I sometimes see you pass outside my door

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted

And my arms are open wide

'Cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much, I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair

And tell you time and time again how much I care

Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow

Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely

Or is someone love you?

Tell me how to win your heart

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying, I love you

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

'Cause I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do

Are you somewhere feeling lonely

Or is someone loving you?

Tell me how to win your heart

For I haven't got a clue

But let me start by saying... I love you

Rides off into the sunset, anime-style.

#104 Just A Quick One!

Today, I woke up on the right side of the bed!

As a result, I got up on time, left home peppy, the train doors opened on the correct side for me and I reached camp early! :)

So marks the start of an awesome week ahead!

Oh and, a happy belated Mother's Day to everyone, especially to my mom and my granny! Even though granny's no longer with us, I believe that she's in a better place, one where only joy and peace reigns.

So to all the mothers out there, you are all awesome!

#103 Jia Liang's Word For Me Yesterday

Was spot on. While walking toward Macdonald's he suddenly turned toward me and asked, "Is there something...(Sorry! I can't remember the rest of the sentence, thanks to my STM)?"

And then he asked me if I have an issue with loving myself. Spot on.

No matter how much I can love and show concern to others, I will never be able to go deep if I do not first love myself. And truthfully, my low self-esteem is a glaring sign of my lack of self-love (for lack of a better word). And it's hard. I'll try though; I'll never say die.

Wow, it's kind of funny; as I was rushing back home I had so much things to pen down but sitting here in front of the computer, I don't really know where to start!

And I appreciate Zong Han for his honesty and straightforwardness. It is indeed a blessing to be a friend and brother-in-Christ with him. He has spoke poignantly about my personality and been accurate at what he describes. To Zong Han: A huge thank you bro! :)

Yesterday, Jun Wei was talking to me about writing a spiritual diary. I mulled over it for a little while, and decided that it was for the best; I want to keep in mind and remember the many revelations and encouragement that God has put into my life, never to let them go. Because Man has a short memory and its even more so for me, unfortunately.

****

But two things I remember clearly, things that impacted me greatly this week:

1. The situation: I was rushing to CG after ending relatively late for administrative duty in camp. Normally, I'd feel this sour feeling in eating to my heart as the minutes go by and cell group progresses. But this day, I know that God has already given me various words and that no matter what, it will be an awesome cell group ahead. So when I got on the train, I put on a smile in my heart and waited...

And waited... And waited... and started to feel tired, drowsy... Sleepy...

The revelation: And then it hit me. Out of no where, the story of the widow who put in the two mites (it was all she had) and how Jesus declared that she had put in more than any of the rich who had offered out of their wealth jolted my brain wide awake, and I began to remember an SMS about a smile as a sacrifice.

Likewise, just as choosing to smile in times when we really don't have a rational motivation is a sacrifice, so can my choosing to stay awake and mentally sharp! So the rest of the trip I "F5, refreshed!" the smile in my heart and went to cell group determined to have joy in my heart. It turned out to be an awesome decision. :)

2. The night before, I was looking at my phone, feeling weird when I realised that though I sent out quite a few encouraging messages, I hadn't received much replies! I started to feel a bit down, but picked myself up emotionally.

The next day, I was thinking in my heart about how I felt yesterday when I started to understand that often times when we do things, we expect a quick response or reaction. But God wants us to wait, to test the longevity of our faith and build patience in our character. That we may shine forth as gold.

I certainly wasn't feeling like gold the night before. But at that point when realisation came into my heart, I felt very much more relieved. Because a dead end must come before God's long hand stretches out to bring us a miracle! :)

****

And as my waking time comes to an end, I just want to thank God for the wonderful word in S2 today. I wish I had a car and a driver's license; I'd have drove my mom to Expo for the service! It was really an awesome Message!

#102 What Do You Want

For me in my life right now? Patience I believe? Because training it is not easy. I want to do awesome things I want it now. But yet that is not Your will!

Shared with Jun Wei some blessings for the day; it's been an awesome week, though it kind of feels slow compared to the rush of last week. In any case, thank God it's Friday! The weekends are officially here! Still, I've got quite a rush later to get from one end of the island to the other. I must still be very thankful that Singapore's a relatively small island and travel time doesn't take as long as elsewhere.

Been having not so good sleep patterns this week. I think it's my bed; Got to do something about it or I'll feel like a zombie all day! Still, today, I was recharged as I remembered the little things that went right! When we are positive, not only do we feel more empowered, but we tend to be able to praise God easier and positively influence others! :)

I guess I've come to a point where the "high" feeling for serving and all is starting to go down, so I pray that in spite of the absence of the adrenaline rush, I will still have that warm fuzzy feeling of joy in my heart. The spirit of servanthood! I've been trying to find that book from some dusty place in my house; It was awesome and I think its time to start revisiting and refreshing myself on why I serve!

Thank God for the Daily Bread! (Ask me more if you are in NS and are interested in receiving TDB!) It's a very revelatory read because it speaks into the situations that I face! :)

And a thank you to Jaslyn and Heng Yu for the karaoke session yesterday! We may all have been late thanks to various reasons but it was an awesome time of just letting loose! There's still so much for me to learn and practise, technique and expression wise, but I'm getting there. One step at a time!

So the week comes to a close and an explosive weekend beckons! :D