#79 Me

Because its my birthday tomorrow, so I'm obliged to give a birthday speech. I shall do one here, and another tomorrow. Here I go:

I've been an obstinate, selfish, insolent, impudent, ill-mannered brat, but I should never have gone so far as to be an ingrate. I have failed to honour my dad with my past post (and others). No matter what has transpired, I should not have been so willful. I repent, because he is my father and I love him just as I know he loves me, no matter the circumstance.

Just want to thank my cell group and the various friends (you don't know how much you mean to me even if you think you do), acquaintances (you don't know how much you mean to me in spite of what I have/have not done, even if you think you do), who have made prints in my life, whether for joy or for grief. Each and everyone has contributed to making who I am today. One thing struck me as I thought back on what Jun Wei & Jun Chen shared to me today, and that is the love offering in the form of a present. While my pride still hurts, I have a choice to make in regards to how to receive the gift; joyfully or in negativity. I choose to take it in joy.

Likewise, if there were things I regret today, it is this,

1. I regret not inviting the people who have hurt me. Not so I can embarrass them, but because as I walked home I felt compassion for them and for myself. Till now I've never been able to rise above my emotions, and take myself so seriously that I can't seem to forgive. But I want to, because I don't want the negativity to fester like a cancer, and simply because I am a child of God.

2. My grandmother cannot be here for my birthday. She is by far one of whom I most deeply respect. Born into a well-to-do family, growing up into a life of poverty and hard work, but coming out winning the battles by tenacity and force of will. What strikes me the most is in spite of the tough exterior, deep inside is a woman who really loved us for who we are and not what we can do. She'd give the good things for us and take the leftovers, and I really couldn't do anything for her. All I have for her tonight, is my deep respect and love, which I hope somehow is conveyed to her.

This is going to sound weird: I can't say how tomorrow will turn out, but I can say that I feel extremely blessed to be living in Singapore, to have the community of friends and family around me who really care in spite of my flaws, and I will do my best to enjoy myself. I say this because in all my frustration through the past week, I've thought of cancelling everything and disappearing into my shell.

But that's not going to happen now, thanks to everyone, especially my dear Father above who with just one testimony through the Candlelight Service, caused me to chuckle to myself and say," That's a low blow, Dad," and realise the folly of my anger.

And I thank the Lord for that. :)

#78 As I Was Thinking Through

I realise I should have just laid out the cards on the table and be honest with myself and to anyone who cares.

Such a drastic emotional change from yesterday's uplifting mood.

The reason why my birthday celebration is so screwed up is, apart from my lousy planning skills, that my finances are extremely tight. $200-kind-of-tight.

And I can't add anymore in because for the past 6 months, I've been living on $3 on a day, including any extra costs like taxis, offering, entertainment (L4D2 etc.) I get by with a $50-150 supplement from my mom depending on how broke I am that month.

I specifically chose the first chalet location for its price, so when that failed, I didn't have any other options which could fit in the budget.

And so I dragged and dreaded the day; I still do, and have this very tempting idea of doing a no-show. But I can't.

Which begs the question, "Why can't you ask your parents for money?"

Not my mom, I don't want to, because she has enough expenses to take care of.

My dad? That just brings up a whole can of worms I don't have the energy to explain.

Just know that I didn't choose this current location for myself.

Oh and, "Why can't we bring presents?"

Because my initial vision for the birthday dinner is summed up in these five words, "I just want to serve." I really just want everyone to enjoy and catch up on that night, no need to pay, nothing to buy (especially after all so many birthdays already), no strings attached.

Now after this morning it starts to look more like a social responsibility and the vision's gone to pot after a few turn of events, I think I'd just angry seeing presents, or even a birthday cake.

#77 Having A Massive Headache Planning

Warning, the next few words are going to be pretty strong;

I SUCK at planning & I HATE planning my birthday celebration. It's given me massive headaches & sleepless nights trying to think of the whole "where to find a place, how to confirm the attendance & how much $$$ to prepare".

And STILL I'm not done with everything.

How I wish I can sleep my day through and let the 20th skip on to the 22th. No worries, just like that. (I'm probably going to be spammed with miss calls and smses AND get many many people pissed at me.)

But still I really have to thank Staff Tock & the other TRMC dudes for the birthday bash for me (and Mr Jeffrey). The karaoke was top-notched fun (thanks to a can of Tiger; I get high easily, & my own hyperactivity that comes out randomly).

Still quite guilty that the timing, and chalet planning failed, and I practically wasted many people's time (especially Darryl's hard-earned offs/leaves). The whole communication system was a fiasco and a complete failure, and the Xiao gang are, unfortunately, not involved in the 21st's dinner. & the wonderful Hopies. Hope no one gets mad enuff to kill me. =/

Grrrr. I want to firefight to my best but, the bed calls. Because tomorrow I have support duty at Expo early in the morning.

Darn.

P.S. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, Zong Han & I have a surprise. It's going to be awesome. ;)

#76 Bam!

How surreal, the train trip home. I'm not sure how to explain it but I gradually appreciated the time on my own to just pray in my heart for peace and courage. It's never been my strength.

I kind of felt like a king after yesterday's vocal exam, but today's performance made me come back down to earth. Though it dampened my confidence, I saw the danger I was getting into, and was mentally reminded of not falling into the temptation of performing for glory. I was pretty confused and struggling within between wanting to contribute and wanting to enjoy what I was performing my way.

I guess I have to thank Marc for giving me a choice out of my discomfort.

Seems I really need a paradigm shift.

#75 Questions

The answers are elusive. So much seems to be demanded yet so little effort seems put in. I stress the "seems", giving the benefit of doubt because I simply do not know.

I seriously think the whole thing is going to end up a waste of time. Couldn't we have at least discussed it first?

How I feel like just disappearing tomorrow.

Poof. Just like that.

#74 Sorry If I Feel/Sound So Distant

Big things, small things keep happening.

I'm not exactly feeling down but it isn't helping my general outlook.

Thankfully the weekend is here, even though the damage's done.

*Edit*

Sometimes I feel so stupid, volunteering to take the rap and do the time in place of others.

It's just in-built in me, but what sucks hard is when I get shot in the back while doing so.

I should have trusted my instincts instead of giving the benefit of doubt and second-guessing my impressions for over half a year.

It's funny how people take so long to realise that actions speak louder than words.

#73 Bummer

Words fail me tonight. The day's been crazy and I'm just zoned out mentally.

Looking forward to the BB gang meet up tomorrow. ;)

#72 I'd Like To Have A Dream

One that will blow me off my feet. I'd like to break out in joy. I'd like for the promise in Jeremiah 29:11 to be personal.

Today was a long tiring, but fruitful day. Ushering was a new experience, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon. Thank God for the brothers and sisters who were there to guide me and make it more than just a physical activity. :)

Over the weekend, after joining the Hope people for Jovin's birthday celebrations, I felt a tinge of sadness. I miss those guys and the awesome times we had and I couldn't help but indulge in a "what-if-I-was-still-there" scenario.

To all the Hope peeps for an awesome life-changing experience, I bring you this song on my playlist; 1000 Words.

And yet though I'm not perfect where I am right now, I know that making decisions on the spur of the moment, especially if they are emotion-charged, is neither long-sighted nor God-centred.

And then there are the many CHC peeps who made my journey in CHC a joy and nurturing journey. I only can say that our time has only just began. So let's grow together ya? (Kind of lost for words at this moment)

And so I made the mental decision to grow as best as I can wherever I am to the same God we serve.

Passing by NUH on the cab ride to the west brought back memories of that day. Even till today, the contrast is stark. So many times in the past I passed by my granny's room while she was asleep wondering how long she had left and wishing it was forever.

And then when she finally passed on, it looked nothing like when she was asleep.

I could still see the spasms and wishing I could have made her stay on Earth more of a joy.

But I cannot.

#71 Jovin's Birthday

A small celebration and a host of memories flood back.

That short time with the rest reminded me on the race, and saying, "See you at the end of the race," reminded me of how much more I need to know God and how much I used to yearn for Him.

Am so glad I got myself an mp3 player for a steal. It's nothing big to everyone else, since most already have Ipods and stuff.

To me though, this is somewhat like the world.

Time for sleep though, tomorrow's a long day.

First song on my playlist; Melodies of Life (Japanese version)

#70 What A Blast!

The above title sounds misleading.

It's actually a negative connotation.

Because between feeling selfish and having the feeling that I've nothing to give, there's still that strong temptation to flee from everything.

This mental atrophy is doing me bad, and I haven't got the self discipline to fight back.

Seems like I've come out bruised and battered every time the past catches up.

And against all logic, I just want to disappear.

Let me hide under Your wings.

#69 With A Heavy Heart

I put my petition in prayer.

And found respite.

#68 A Gust Of Wind To Clear The Dust

It's funny how I stop by now and then with words in my mind but not the desire to update this cobweb filled personal recollection.

And so here I am.

It's one month short of my birthday. This past year has been crazy with all the birthday celebrations for the 1988 babies. And finally it's my turn.

As the year comes to a close and the hustle and bustle winds down, I have this sudden urge to cancel my birthday celebration and just take a solo Sabbath on that weekend.

You know, just disappear and "go as the wind goes". Tempting.

The reason for that is nothing angsty. I just want a good rest. Haven't been having much of one lately.

And there's this nagging feeling that I've been neglecting many people in my life, especially the people from the ol' HopeRP and my secondary school friends. Due to my oversight and recent preoccupation with the more irritating aspects of my life, the passage of time has brought social entropy.

And yet listening to Ps Kong's sermons give me this calming, encouraging and uplifting effect. A few years ago, I'd not imagine myself writing this, but well, when a man of God speaks, it really impacts.

I still feel far from perfect, I still feel I need lots of prodding and guiding, I still feel I need much more discipline.

But hey, whatever. I'm not yet 85! *Pun intended*

#67 Makes No Difference What The Title Is

But that's that.

Today I finally grasp the impact.

Two words.

Double standards.

And so as my impending weekend extra duty looms near, I clear up unwashed cups that have been left to bacteria over the weekend and stare at an un-updated set of Routine Orders (RO). All by a certain duty clerk who proclaims he is done with taking MCs incessantly, and then proceeds to take a 2-day one the very next day.

Honestly, its tempting to let all hell loose with the MCs and Chao Kengs, especially when doing things right get you extras when you trip up and doing things wrong all the time means everyone just gives up on punishing you.

I do admit I deserved that extra duty for messing up.

However, I do not understand why people who AWOL, malinger like there's no tomorrow, forget basic Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) and in general make a mess of everything leaving others to clear the trash can get away scot-free in spite of the numerous complaints.

Oh and that dear chap can insinuate that I am less than perfect in my conduct.

And NO WAY will I flaunt my seniority to make the juniors run around and clear the crap just because I have the authority.

Makes no damn sense that the only resource our country has is people and yet the very entity that is charged to protect our sovereignty has practices that belittles and disenchants that very resource.

I'm not even asking to be treated like a king.

But a (resists the urge to hurl an expletive) fool I'm not.

Burn my weekend, there is no off in lieu because this is a punishment, but let the imbecile run wild and free.

Just... Great.

#66 Grins

From ear to ear.

Grinning.

空秋千 - 林宇中

荡秋千

来回终究要停在原点
望太远

眼前幸福却忽略

晃半圈 圆不了爱恋高
一遍低一遍风
就吹散了永远

还想为你摇秋千
对着夕阳扮鬼脸
若月光再美一点
我们会否把手牵

还想被你碎碎念
当数流星的配乐
你却说你等不到天亮
空秋千陪整夜

秋千和我失眠
在你影子身边
这公园太想念
你无邪的笑脸

Grins some more.

Silly little fanboy mortal. :)

#65 Making Magic With Our Mouths

Not with bad breath, but our voices. Though right now... the engine's all sputtering.

Dreams of his own pop concert.

*Pops the bubble*

Nah, never mind.

Yaaaaawn.

#64 The Hiatus Has Ended

I believe.

So many things have happened, so much doubt has been casted upon my life and then casted away once more.

At 2.30am in the midst of a deluge on a Saturday I (inadequately) pen my thoughts.

A part of me mourns the times that have passed, the innocence lost, the friends that are (terribly) missed, the opportunities that were forgone and the buddies that are no more.

In fact, my brain is almost exploding with the number of names and faces (some I've forgotten I ever knew) that keep flashing past.

Friends, loves, acquaintances, could-be's, have been's.

But one thing that never fails to repeat is that everyone is moving ahead.

How I'd like to be in an utopian world; to meet and smile at every face I remember, to reminisce the good times and gloss over the bad times, to recreate memories in the present and to dream of the future. No pain, all gain.

It's a good feeling, and yet too much of an indulgence. Because I keep forgetting reality.

And as "Who Am I" plays in the background, even more emotions jolt my mind.

HopeRP, a turbulent, passionate affair that ended way too abruptly, just as how I relied exclusively upon myself and the strength I've never had. But I don't regret being apart of it.

Once again I am amazed at the many ways God can soothe us and bring us more than peace.

Which contrasts sharply with the feeling of dread and fear I felt as I was lying half comatose on the floor in exhaustion or the eerie trembling atmosphere from barely ten minutes ago.

And how do we know He is real?

We believe in every slightest superstition of ill omens, malevolent spirits and yet struggle to come to terms with the existence of a being that is entirely opposite and exclusive character-wise.

Such is the jarring irony.

And today as I recline comfortably on my seat, I believe once more.

It was real, that voice that said, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all else will be provided for you." A paraphrase on my part.

And once more, at no cost to me, I am loved. I am saved.

And You remind me I'm not the nothing that I thought I was.

I'll fight the demons with You, now that I can see them.

But only on Your command.

#63 Because I Am Not Worth It

Don't bother.

#62 On A Night Like This

I feel invisible.

The thought is somewhat comforting.

And then I remember I've got camp tomorrow and go "rawr!".

It's friday. :)

He tries so hard, all in his mind.

The irony of it all is that its not real after all.

#61 A Mental Upheaval

Because work at office is piling up. Partly my fault for getting all emo and making comparisons. Sure it is unfair. Everything is unfair. But I've my fair share of "goodies". So I shouldn't compare.

And so I'm stuck in the office feeling as if my head is a steamed char siew bun.

The whole silver lining is that Yan Xiang just fixed my dead laptop (the IT version of Heroes 3's resurrection skill) yesterday night in barely an hour. It must be his Midas' touch because when I tried to do a system recovery, nothing worked even after 3 hours of troubleshoot.

And then he came by and put the disc in and succeeded on the first try.

Well, who cares as long as my system is back online? =P

And boy am I looking forward to the back-to-back karaoke sessions next Tuesday and Wednesday. :D

#60 Which Is Harder To Overcome?

The fear of losing or the fear of not getting?

I guess that question is moot, because I've never gotten past the fear of not getting, to taste the fear of losing.

And when will we look beyond words.

Why does one need to write in nuances, in seemingly dissonant overtones, if only they had nothing to hide?

For sometimes, the words that are not spoken speak more than the words that are said.

For example,

A: How are you today?

B: Like that lor.

A: Like? Like how?

B: Uhhh... *Cock and bull story* *Beat around the bush*

A: Oh.

B: Ya... (I never said I was okay.)

Just think... deeper.

#59 It's Quiz Time! (My Collection Of On The Dot, Self-Thought, Super Fail Jokes)

Qn 1: At the Institute of Mental Health, 39 patients warded for various stress-related symptoms were informed that they were to sit for a test.

Everyone studied hard for the test, because they were told if they passed, they could be discharged immediately.

However, all 40 who took the test failed. Why?

Ans: It was a stress test.

Qn 2: All 39 patients were dismayed that they failed the test. However, everyone was curious as to why the only non-patient could have failed the test as well. Why?

Ans: The non-patient was an NSF. (hint: Chao Keng!!!)

And now for a little story.

Da Bao and Xiao Bao

On a normal day, Da Bao would be all whistly and chirpy. However, today was not a normal day; Da Bao had woke up on the wrong side of the Bao tray. As a result, Da Bao, in his uncontrollable rage, cursed and swore at the heat of the day.

"So hot, bloody sun, shine until so bright. Even my Bao skin also Chao Tar already!" Chao Tar Bao... err... Da Bao grumbled.

Da Bao grumbled a little more, before starting to walk to Bao Factory to meet up with the rest of the Bao workers.

"Bao Jing Tian, must give me good luck today," Da Bao silently prayed. "Today got Bao Ga Liao Toto. I bought big big. Must win big big. If not tomorrow can eat air liao."

Upon reaching the Factory, Da Bao promptly stamped his timesheet and proceeded in (what else?!) for work.

"Daaaaaaaaaaa Baoooooo!"

Da Bao looked around, but saw no one. He turned back to his work.

"Daaaaaaaaaaa Baoooooo!", the voice repeated.

"What lar?! Call me but don't show yourself!" Da Bao retorted. This time, Da Bao didn't even bother looking up. If the person (or Bao) wanted his attention, Da Bao thought, he would have to appear in person. Da Bao didn't want to waste time when he had so much work to do.

"Here lar! You look up for what?! I'm down here.....!" Xiao Bao exclaimed.

"Orh you ah, Xiao Bao. Why so deh one. Can don't sa jiao anot? You guy leh. Ya what?!" Da Bao replied.

"Hee hee hee, nothing, disiao nia!" Xiao Bao giggled, before running away.

"Oi you don't waste my time hor. Later I tell your ah pa Hum Bao Bao then you kena liao!" Da Bao screamed after him.

To cut a long story short, this happened quite a few times, until Da Bao was super mad. Frustrated, Da Bao went to complain to Hum Bao Bao.

"Ah boss ah," Da Bao said. "Your that Xiao Bao ah, keep disturbing me leh. Very hard concentrate. Can tell him don't disturb me anot?"

"Yes...yes Mr Bao Ga Liao, you want how many bao to showcase again? Sorry ah, my worker calling me," Hum Bao Bao, looked up. He motioned for Da Bao to be silent, for he was on an important business call with Bao Ga Liao, the Factory's biggest customer.

"Ah boss. Very fast one, spare me a moment nia," Da Bao raised his voice. "Your son..."

"Arh? How many bao again, sir?" Hum Bao Bao struggled against Da Bao's increased volume. "So sorry, my that worker very noisy and impatient."

"WHAT NOISY? I NOW ASK YOU VERY VERY NICELY, YOUR XIAO BAO HOW, DISIAO ME HOW I DO MY WORK?" Da Bao was practically screaming.

"Eh, what? Settle my worker before calling you back? But Mr Bao Ga Liao, Mr Bao..." The line went dead. Hum Bao Bao was belligerent.

"Boss your son..." Da Bao started, very pleased with himself for getting his boss' attention.

"GET OUT!" Hum Bao Bao screamed.

"But..." Da Bao stuttered.

"GET OUT RIGHT THIS MOMENT! I'M GOING TO CALL MR BAO GA LIAO ONE MORE TIME. IF I LOSE THIS BUSINESS, YOU LOSE YOUR JOB!" Hum Bao Bao screeched. He was livid with rage. Then, after taking 5 deep breaths, he regain his calm and poised manner, and proceeded to redial and restart the telephone conversation.

"Okay! Then you don't blame me if I discipline your son for you!" Da Bao barked before leaving the office.

So Da Bao chased Xiao Bao.

"I will beat you till your bao skin split!" a furious Da Bao screamed as he ran after a half giggling, half blabbering Xiao Bao.

After catching up to Xiao Bao, Da Bao did Mike Tyson proud by beating Xiao Bao up left, right, centre. Still, Xiao Bao didn't stop blabbering nonsense.

In exasperation, Da Bao took Xiao Bao and stuffed him into a bottle before throwing him into the sea.

The words he used as he performed the operation was too vulgar to even paraphrase.

After "disposing of" Xiao Bao, Da Bao went back to the office.

Upon reaching his cubicle, Da Bao saw a sealed envelope and knew his fate; Da Bao has lost his job. He cursed himself for his inability to shut his mouth earlier.

From that day onward, Da Bao ceased to exist. In his place was Dao Bao (Unsociable Bao).

And now for some more lame and totally incoherent jokes!

Qn 3: Who is taller, a 1.8m man or a 1.8m woman?

Ans: The Man. Because height (beauty) is in the eyes of the beholder. And more importantly I'm a man.

Qn 4: Why is it safer not to wear seat belts while in a car?

Ans: Because if the car overturns, how are you going to get out of the car with the buckle on?

Qn 5: Why do you have to take a right turn when you are lost?

Ans: Because there is no left, the other option is a wrong turn.

Qn 6: What do you find when you pick up a bottle from the sea?

Ans: Xiao Bao.

I feel my intelligence go lower just posting this on my blog.


*Edit*

Qn 7: What is Dao Bao going to eat for lunch tomorrow?

Ans: Eat air.

#58 Back To Camp Tomorrow

To help out with cohesion on a Saturday.

A bonus is that I get a day off for the "duty".

I'm actually extremely blessed to be in this unit and to have the privileges that I have.

So let me not complain or whine anymore than I already have.

And boy am I having laptop withdrawal symptoms.

#57 It Seems Like An Eternity

And yet an instant all at one go.

Such is the irony, as time flows.

I'm not sure where I'd be a few years from now, but I feel too carefree to bother.

Which is also a danger in itself.

Still there's one good lesson to learn in army, of which I'm taking.

A rather bothersome task to endure.

That lesson is perseverance.

I'm not talking about getting swept by the inevitability of events, but to persevere in making some good come out from them.

And frankly, I never knew myself to be a fighter.

Because I always was a quitter.

But that's just what makes it all the more exciting, isn't it?

To do something you've never succeeded before.

#56 A Post From Camp

I think I've made it known pretty well in Facebook, but I shall say it again here;

My Laptop is dead.

And I'm not going to bother wasting $$$, time and effort to fix it.

So that leaves me out of commission.

Not that I really mind sometimes.

My biggest gripe is that I can no longer listen to songs.

So no more bathroom-singing practising with songs.

As usual, Tuesday vocal lessons are awesome.

Even had a little Karaoke session after that. ;)

*Looks at watch*

Time to head home.

Gosh, I really gotta find a new hobby.

Besides swatting flies, I guess.

#55 Because It's Work Time

Batter. Better. Bitter.

Flash. Smash. Splash. Slash.

Grind. Rind. Mind. Kind. Hind.

Ogle. "Google". Giggle. "Muggle". "Moogle". Bugle.

Words.

Alone they make no sense.

Together,

That make all the difference.

(And to make the whole quote corny)

Just like me and you.

(can't be helped, I was tempted)

#54 I Don't Know

I really don't.

Can someone tell me why this soul is so nihilistic at this moment in time?

Pessimism suppresses my hope.

Like an ever-tightening noose.

Still I am awake.

I've heard people say that alcohol makes a depressed person get drunk more easy.

If so, then why is it that the alcohol did nothing to me?

Perhaps I'm just devoid of emotions.

#53 Saturday

Little birdy fly so free.
Little birdy crapped on me!

It was a bright and sunny afternoon. I had made my 3 good friends wait for nearly half an hour for a lunch meet-up with my family because it was my younger brother's birthday and we had arranged for a catch up session.

I guess my tardiness was the reason for my impending misfortune.

To cut things short, I went to buy the food and drinks and the recruit and corporal helped bring them back to the tables. Due to a shortage of table space in the air-conditioned indoors, we made do with sitting outside (we had 7 people in attendance). So my brothers and my mom came and we sat down to eat.

After the meal, I got up, washed my hands and came back to my seat. Not long after I asked if we were ready to leave, it happened.

SPLAT!

Something wet hit the left side of my face (and spectacles) and trailed down.
Gravity prevails. Not a consolation.

At first I thought, "wah, so suay, can kena rain even under the shelter." A moment later, it dawned upon me that I was the only one who got hit. Looking up, I saw the cause of the mischief and I almost had a heart attack.

"That #*&%#$&# bird bombed me!" I cried out in a fit of rage. "Why you little..."

My mutterings were drowned out by the combined laughter of those present. I then took some serviettes, cleaned up and rushed home for a bath, barely half an hour after my last.

Fortunately, the bird didn't decide to bomb in the middle, or at the start of the meal.

Otherwise, I don't think we'd eat KFC for a long time to come. =/

To top it off, Mom told me to buy 4D, placing my bets on the numbers 0711.

That day happened to be 7/11.

"Zhong Tou Jiang".

#52 When Confusion Sets In

Fix me a good one.

No, fix your own.

Please?

No.

Please?!

No!

Fine!

Fine!

And so the delirium continues.

Gibberish.

#51 On The Bus

I thought I saw someone familiar on the bus. Guess not.

I thought I'd already forgotten you.

It's been what, more than a year since our last conversation?

Totally irrational.

Guess you're doing more than fine.

And so, to nostalgia, and my lingering sense of longing,

原来 - 林俊傑

街灯绊住我眼前下一步
拉长的影子嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我 会是如何入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地 跟着我难分难

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你 收的干净
我也会 不留一点痕迹

说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句
一句话 掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我 很难入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地 跟着我难分难

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你 收的干净
我也会 不留一点痕迹

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地 跟着我难分难

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你 收的干净
我也会 不留一点痕迹

Maybe.

#50 Breathe.

Breathe deep...

Aiya not like that la! Your stomach must expand, expand!

Like this... *breathe*

Yes that's right! Now continue breathing!

*After a few minutes*

Hyperventilate.

That was exactly how I felt just now.

I even almost fainted during one of the exercises because I breathed in too much and too quickly and failed to expel the remaining air.

But even so, the lesson was awesome. :)

Oh, and there's this ache in my right kidney area.

Oww.

#49 Because I Don't Know What To Title This

And because I don't know where to start.

So I'll start with something random.

Bleh.

*Starts entry*

More and more frustration comes in the office as people take MC to moonlight, take MC on duty day or get into unnecessary trouble, in turn costing the rest of us trouble.

And so the pot tries to call the kettle black.

Recently, I have been asking myself, why do I keep thinking about friends I want to repeatedly reach out to.

Today, I'm definitely sure it's because I care for them and want to see them well.

Of course, not receiving any reply for weeks is frustrating, plus the fact that not receiving a reply indirectly means they probably find it irritating.

However, I'll be a little dense, a little thick-skinned until they tell me to stop. Once a week, once a week.

Because waterfalls are made through persistent wear and tear over tireless streams of water.

#48 F-F-F-First Blood!

CYC's birthday bash was a success! Glad you liked it and glad I could contribute through the food. :)

And so I let Yong Ren get first blood on the satay, since he mentioned that he hadn't eaten it in a long time.

It was too bad I couldn't stay over; at least I got to sleep and go for service the next day.

The only thing I sort of regret is getting so drunk. I mean, I could still walk straight and stuff, but my eyes were bloodshot, my face was red as a tomato and I had this hangover the next day. =/

Also had a mini celebration cum dinner at my dad's restaurant the previous day for an early birthday celebration for Heng Yu's 22nd and Elaine's 23rd.

I must admit, there were a few screw ups, but on the whole, well lets say, if they're happy, I'm happy too.

And so today, I lay on my bed semi-conscious, struggling to get out of bed. I finally reached Jurong East station half an hour late, dazed.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

#47 There's This Thick Atmosphere All Around

That I've been feeling the past week. It isn't really depression or something.

It's more like, "let's get down to some serious people business".

But in past nights (after that weird incident some of you know) if I walk home alone after 12am, I'd pray/worship out loud as I made my way home.

Today I just had that heck-care-because-I-don't-have-the-energy-to-be-disturbed attitude. It was amusing when I reach home and didn't really feel the palpable sense of fear I usually felt.

It was good.

But then other challenges come into mind and I feel I need to pray more.

I need a spiritual time-out.

Oh and today's a brother's birthday, someone whom I do not have the courage to wish. Because even though I bear no ill feelings, I cannot reconcile the fact that I was expected to make promises in the tight schedule I had.

And so we drifted away.

I guess its all the more easier this way.

#46 Its The Middle Of The Week

Ups and downs all week.

But prayer takes away the bite and puts a calming peace.

I'll need more consistency and a thick enough skin to ignore negativity and project positivity.

My tests came back this morning; given a clean bill of health. However, my body doesn't seem to agree. Oh well.

I just felt a need to shout out. It feels good to do so sometimes.

#45 I Like This Quote From A Favourite Show Of Mine

*Pointing ahead*
"He is Stronger."
"I am Strongest."

Grant me the wisdom that I may put across unpleasant truths with tact and sensitivity.

Because from the responses, I can't gauge what is "going too far" and what is "speaking in moderation".

It isn't healthy to be ignoring people all the time.

It simply shows a lack of courage to face circumstances.

As I am, so I know.

#44 How Utterly Amazing

The mistakes that I have made, are made against me ten-fold, all at once.

Ignoring calls/smses,
Empty promises,
Saying the opposite of what we think,
Doing a disappearing act.

What an explicit example of having "a taste of my own medicine".

Which is why I cannot complain.

And I ask to be able to overcome them.

In spite of my emotions.

It seems that recently, two categories of friends have popped out, competing for attention;

1. Those who are always there to ask for help, but never to help.

2. Those who are always there to help, but never willing to receive help.

For those of the former, it pains me when they wallow in self-pity (and I struggle not to follow in their steps) and dig a bigger and bigger hole each time. Because words have failed us when the words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I feel the whole conversation is a sham; a thinly veiled attempt to justify self-abandonment.

For those of the latter, they're a real rare, although equally frustrating, breed. Because I can't help but question, what am I to them? Am I a friend, or just someone to help, indirectly to boost their ego, as they help and feel of use?

Because a friendship is two-way. I cannot keep giving because I'll dry out.

Neither can I keep receiving, because I'll feel overwhelmed negatively.

And I'd like to ask, what friend selectively chooses the topics to reply on?

Is that even a friend, or just an activity mate?

I don't need to hear an answer by words, just actions.

And please, please, please, please, please,

When you say you'll run the race, don't do it half-heartedly, or for the sake of a promise.

Because it's your own life, your own end.

Please be the men your IC says you are.

#43 I Guess

At times even I tire from the lame/joker personality that has come upon me. I'm not sure why, but everytime I try to switch "modes" I go into either the former, or a dark brooding mood.(otherwise known as "emo")

I guess it is as frustrating as others who tire of my constant gibberish.

Today I faltered in my faith. I guess I'm a little tired after all the hubbub and a little confused at how things are going. Try as I might (and my willpower is weak) I cannot seem to go full steam ahead on victorious living.

Thank God for a timely change of status quo for two brothers that are dear to me but for their sakes I am keeping them anonymous.

Of course there are many more brothers and sisters (whether in Christ or not) who I care for but have often times taken for granted.

I'd like to change, I'd like to be less irritating. It's a genuine request, because I don't like to see myself that way, in spite of the smile I am putting up. And yes it bothers me, very much.

And tomorrow, Jason's heading in to have a nice hair cut and a 2 week resort stay at the exclusive Tekong Chalet. I wish him well.

Don't worry, I won't screw up the marination or CYC's party.

Humility is coming, in double doses. Elisha.

Pray for me.

#42 I Love My Dad

I love him in spite of all the decisions I feel he should have made differently, just as how he loves me in spite of the wrong decisions that I have made, whether or not I am aware of them.

I got up abit miffed because of all the drilling work happening just outside my house (lift upgrading works). On reaching the first floor of my house, I heard some complaining by my elder brother. After hearing him repeat it about 3 or 4 times, I totally lost it.

To cut a long story short, I retorted in belligerent verbosity, even though my brother's outburst had nothing to do with me, but my mom, a reaction that surprised even myself in my state anger.

I'm still not sure how to explain it, so I shall do my best;

I was seeing the mistakes that my dad made in my brother, and was hurt and angry that he was learning the same. In my misguided attempt to change things, I made an even bigger mountain out of a molehill by scolding, retorting and in general challenging my brother unreasonably.

It got so bad until I broke down in tears.

I guess somehow I went up to my room, lay down and really thought hard, as mom comforted me. The whole episode reeked of self-righteousness on my part, and even though I love my family and didn't want things to get worse, I really went out of line this time.

And as I type this, I realise that in spite of what I feel, I cannot 100% say that my dad is wrong in certain decisions that he made, just that I do not approve of them.

In spite of that, I love him just the same, just as I know he loves me.

And I want to somehow find a way to reach him through proper two-way communication, in spite of not knowing how or when it will happen.

Because if family can't even point out each other's mistakes, who will?

I can only pray for the courage and wisdom to accept constructive criticism myself.

#41 Experience

Tiredness can cause people to decide to settle for less than what they ought to have received.

It was almost the case today; I was physically drained out that when I reached home, I really did not want to head out, even to the Church Bible Study.

So after procrastinating and delaying, I finally got up and went out, reaching just before everything started.

As I brisk walked in, I felt an instant invigorating sense of relief. I was almost uncertain if I would reach on time.

And the rest as they say, is history.

Because God is real, very real, in my life. You've got to experience Him to believe it.

#40 Facing Challenges

They're tough, they threaten to overwhelm, and they make us feel like fleeing with our tails between our legs.

Which is why we've got to stand and fight them.

Already I am seeing a deja vu; I am seeing a battleground fought in times gone by, and of battles lost in fear, disbelief and inconsistency.

And I want to claim in belief that this time round the outcome is different.

The enemy will be routed and we will be victorious.

Even in the midst of fighting on many fronts (sleep deprivation, spiritual warfare, family situations, state of the house, NS etc) there can be focus. All it takes is a sensitivity to the priorities at different stages.

And because priorities change, so must we adapt.

Do not fight the same fear with the same pattern of thought. Step out and grasp fear in the hand through prayer. There may be bloodshed, but none who soldier on will lay in defeat.

For in turning tail we find defeat, but in facing fears we find the courage to succeed.

I think therefore I am. I know because He is.

Pray, pray and pray more still.

#39 Double Post!

Because I'm so excited and overjoyed at having my first vocal lesson!

Thankfully my classmates are mostly around the 17-22 range (half guys, half girls), sing awesomely (mostly, and better than me by far) and are a friendly bunch.

I was shaking mad when the teacher got us to sing a chorus from a song we chose in front of the class of around 13 with everyone as the audience.

And it was totally impromptu!

I screwed up big time and forgot my lyrics.

Thankfully, because of the whole nature of the presentation, I'm secure that that is my worst singing performance ever.

Which means that things can only get better!

I'm looking forward to next Tuesday's lesson.

P.S. 3 different pieces of homework to do on the first day!

Great, because homework means progress!

Even though I haven't had homework since, like, forever.

#38 Dear Me!

I guess I've been feeling very vulnerable the past few days, keeping my posts as politically correct as possible.

Many weird things have happened, the consequences of which are weirder still, and I find myself one (random) step closer to God.

And it's in moments like this that I just want to tell Him, "Lookie here! Give me a great big hug!"

Totally random.

And I just realised I had Aston's twice within the span of 10 days. Yummy.

Also, a great big shoutout to the ORD personnel; I'm coming soon! In about 18 months.

And when I do, I'll ROD! Something which will take you another 10 to 15 years to reach! Rawr!

Oh well, time to sleep because my muscles are aching and I've got duty tomorrow.

Good night world!

P.S. Jiayou okay Heng Yu! Step by step!

#37 A Random Moment

Because we are random.

#36 Thank You, Thank You All!

Thank you people for the photos, fun and prayers.

This weekend has been a whirlwind.

And I'm inspired to start another blog journey (though I shan't be closing this one).

It's going to be a whole load of fun and experimentation.

It's not going to be plain jane (or james, in this case, no pun intended) boring the world with a day to day account of mundane life.

What's it going to be like? Stay tuned.

Maybe I'll call it e-inspired...

Hmm...

#35 胆小鬼

I don't know why. I just feel so.

Because walking through the deadness of the night in utter silence with images flashing in my mind unnerves me.

Undo the nightmare in my mind.

#34 They Say Empty Vessels Make The Most Noise

I feel empty.

Is that why I make so much noise?

#33 Yoohoo

At camp with Mr Wally by my side.

We are waiting for the time to pass and to book out.

Some say we are slackers, but I prefer to think of it as patience training.

As Wally puts it;

"You give me $400 I give you $400 work. Mdm ask me do I do, I do properly. The rest, I give you slip-shod work."

And his "crush" is top-notch.

I wonder why he hasn't said,

"Ai kia stead mai." <----------Quote from MINDEF Forums, phrase of choice for NSFs.

And we all die laughing by the end of this post.

#32 Tuesday Comes

And Tuesday passes me by.

#1 My lessons are delayed for another week. I am promised there will be no third time. I hope so.

#2 And in case anyone's thinking that I'm feeling emo; I'M ON LEAVE ON FRIDAY! YAHOO!
But that also means that our Machohunk is going overseas once more.

#3 And a kudos to Ah Pok for the songs. My Cantonese may be rubbish but the song rocks. =X

#4 Don't know why I decided to number my whole post; just felt like doing it.

And off I go because tomorrow is duty day.

#31 Dazed

As above.

The whole day.

I don't know why.

And Saturday passes me by.

#30 I Have To Admit It

I took this off another blog.

But more importantly, read it. Well worth your time.

Unless of course you've already come across it.

*Crosses fingers*

****

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 mph zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles per hour, Jack pulled over, but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church?

Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never see in uniform. "Hi Bob. Fancy meeting you like this." "Hello Jack." No smile. "Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." "Yeah, I guess so."

Bob seemed uncertained. Good. "I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -- just this once."

Jack toed a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in the precinct."

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy. Would you sit in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

Whatever the reason, it could be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it -- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I had only one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left. Bob."

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watch until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

****

Who still feels like speeding?

#29 For Old Times' Sake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upsr5XkGhVI

Hope RP way back in 2006. Back when my hair was a distraction, not an enhancement. Courtesy of Timothy Alvin. (Timmy Tummy he used to be known as)

If I could choose one more, I'd choose to go through it all not changing a thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gynCJnT5tuk

So You Think You Can Cook?

I still can't, but I'll remember that day.

:)

*Edit*

And if anyone remembers the Binary Fission '07 Camp.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsfCZvBFq2I

Because I do.

#28 Surprise Surprise!

First of all,

Thanks guys for reading and giving me feedback over my posts. :)

Secondly,

I feel like a naughty naughty boy.

Wasn't feeling well today and let the illness get to me. Even though I kept way quiet, I was thinking some negative thoughts inside my head, revolving around food.

As a result I skipped both breakfast and lunch and only when I starting eating my dinner did I realise I was literally shivering and having an out of mind experience.

So much for stores of fat.

Not that I have much.

#27 If You Value Your Life

Your soul even. Everytime you feel like giving up, don't.

It might not be a consolation but people feel that everyday.

Life seems to lose its lustre; colours fade into an unflatter gray.

And yet that loss is temporary.

For as perspectives shift, gray can warp into psychedelic.

And the cycle continues.

So next time you think you're at a dead end.

Remember, ending it is only going to confirm that false notion.

Instead, pick up a phone, talk to a friend, a sibling, an enemy, a stranger.

Or just call 90238500. And in case it isn't obvious. That number rings my phone.

Don't give up, because He never gave up.

#26 Back To School

Vocal lessons start next Tuesday. A huge thanks to Meng How for accompanying me to the school. I was terrified even before i stepped in the building. Without that moral support I'd probably hyperventilate into a coma before going about getting the brochure, the information needed as well as the desire to sign up. What a penchant for brevity.

Had a good long talk with Sharon after ages of not meeting. Spent part of the time reminiscing about the past, catching up on each other's lives, talking about my elder brother (with me hinting to her that he's available) as well as general complaining about my life.

#25 This Is The Best Time To Start Praying

Because I'm livid with rage. I'm surprised I've been seething subconsciously since afternoon time. Since that pointless encounter. And that's at least 4 hours ago.

Perhaps it's the impassionate mask that I've honed over the years.

Perhaps it's also why I'm repeating my playlist.

Perhaps.

#24 The Irony

Here's a typical day in my house. The characters are Ken (my bro) and myself (Wui).

Ken: (looks into the sink and sees some unwashed dishes) Wui, you didn't wash your dishes.

Me: Yeah, I'll wash them later.

Ken: How long later?

Me: (a bit irritated) Why don't you wash them for me then.

Ken: ...

A few hours later, when I go to the sink to wash the dishes, I see another set of dishes Ken had used but did not wash.

Me: ... (Suck thumb and wash).

#23 Watching Me From Myself

I don't ever want to do that anymore, at least not excessively, not consciously so. Because it just drags me down the mud. A pointless go-around that comes full circle into self-pity.

And so I will talk about the past, the present and the future in a more positive note. If not all the time, at least for one post.

Yesterday was amazing. I've always thought I'd be fine seeing familiar faces and so when I accepted the invitation to Zephanie's birthday celebration yesterday, I was looking to a more positive start.

But I guess you can't just erase that distance in spite of it being unintentionally created. I'm talking about an uneasiness meeting Hopies since leaving Hope.

When I reached the function room, I was caught winded by the rising feeling of uncertainty. Fast forward to the end, things were very much better. Because just as you can't erase that distance, so can you not erase the memories that have been made going through it all.

I'm not good with words when it comes to expressing my thanks over the efforts to make me feel more comfortable. So this is as big a thank you I can muster. I only hope it is enough. :)

Thanks Pei Xin, Zephanie, Donald, Nehemiah, Jen, Xueting, Jenny, Jiamin and the few others I got to know there. Sorry if I don't remember your names.

I don't regret ever going to Hope, knowing God and serving, in spite of the brevity of the moment.

In fact I'm glad people are doing well. It really was a surprise hearing about Richard and Jolene.

Through it all, I wish well for Hope RP.

I'm happy where I am, but I'm even more happy hearing about Hope. :)

#22 Courage

I can't remember why I thought of starting with the title, suffice to say that I don't have any.

Took the effort (and boy was it big) to shop for birthday presents because this year is a big year for dragon year babies. Yet for once I bought most of what I wanted in spite entering the shopping centre clueless about what I wanted to buy. Breakthrough!

But on the way home, I thought back about all the other peoples' presents I have missed out whether due to stinginess (Excuse: not much money in the bank left!) or forgetfulness and regretted. Such a self-defeating attitude. I didn't have an answer to myself and I don't have one now, but I'll just ignore it for now.

And in thinking about my own upcoming birthday I started to see a dichotomy in my decisions and therefore myself; One part of me wanted to party to the maximum, and yet another wanted to disappear for just that one day.

All in the same moment in time I felt I wanted to know and be known, and yet wanted to hide and be at a distance.

Sometimes I feel stifled by my time-cultivated self-defense mechanism; of turning into a block of wood emotions-wise whenever I meet something I decided I couldn't overcome. Others would call that running away.

And then I stare at that challenge, treat it like a problem, and magnify/multiply it. And as I consume myself in nihilistic negativity, there's nothing left but my problem.

And thats where I concentrate on other peoples' problems. Because my problems seem insurmountable, I look at those of others and try to solve them. If the problems disappear, I feel slightly better, but only momentarily. And then I look at myself and the vicious cycle continues...

My problem is me.

#21 Camp On A Friday + Duty

Bittersweet. Because it's a Friday I'm especially delighted. But the duty kind of dampens the mood because it makes my weekend come later. But I'm thankful that I already get a lot more time out of camp compared to other sorry souls, I mean stay-in NSFs.

Visited the medical officer to get a referral for a Full Body Checkup because of the recent stomach related problems and he gave me an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Sweet.

Only two, no, three problems:

1. It's at a certain hospital I'm biased against, because of a very personal incident.
2. It's in July, when I'm already half way to oblivion right now, enduring the problem.
3. I didn't get any medicine to relieve my suffering. :'(

So from now (May) till then, I guess I'll... I don't know...

Rawr! I wanna go home... NOW!

#20 Half The Week Is Past

And don't know what to write simply because I don't know what not to write.

Someone once commented (I paraphrase) that blog's are by nature public space and therefore a bad place to write deeper inner thoughts. Back then I agreed to a certain extent, because everyone has these deeper inner thoughts, so while they may seem unsafe to be voiced out, it really is just raising up the common difficulties and challenges.

But today my self-consciousness dictates I keep it to myself, at least for another time.

How I wish I could blog out in melody and lyrics.

#19 I'd Like

For greater mental fortitude.

Sometimes I wonder why I have so little to share at times, yet so much to give at others.

Take for example tonight. Mom asked me if I could help out with the laundry. On other days, I'd do it without much thought. Today though, there was much inner strife within. I desperately wanted to just do it to honour my parents (sometimes, I do enjoy doing the laundry, it being a break from staring at the computer), and yet deep down there was this feeling of being totally spent emotionally.

I'd love to be more of a giver, but tonight I find that I have little left to provide.

And deep down I claw mentally at mundane things, at "my" time, "my" freedom, "my" finances, knowing that despite it all, nothing's really mine.

But yet music still soothes my troubled psyche.

For the moment.

如果爱 张学友

每个人 都想明白
谁是自己生命不该错过的真爱
特别在午夜醒来 更是会感慨
心动埋怨还有不能释怀
都是因为你触碰了爱

如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉

哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待
如果这就是爱

如果你 当时明白
后来的生命里是快乐还是悲哀
特别在夜深人静时想起未来
是否能平静不会想现在
只是因为你拥有了爱

如果这就是爱
再转身就该勇敢留下来
就算受伤 就算流泪
都是生命里温柔灌溉

哦爱 在回忆里总是那么明白
困惑的心 流过的泪
还有数不清黑夜等待

如果这就是爱
如果这就是爱

#18 4W 1H

Because this post is so overdue.

I laugh at myself; spite myself because of my weaknesses. And my weaknesses are many.

I'd like to take up singing lessons as a hobby. =/

Okay that was random.

Don't have much to say except that I had a particularly naughty dream yesterday night/this morning.

To think I KO'ed upon reaching home yesterday.

Wonder where my brain got the energy to drift around.

From where I stand, its nigh impossible humanly to be positive. So I guess I'll just be ignorant.

Random fact I feel I should be ashamed of:

I'm addicted Kamen Rider Decade. Even though it makes a mockery of the stories of the last 9 years' series.

#16 Mom's Birthday

She's one year older on Good Friday. Surprised her with a birthday cake today; my elder brother's idea. I was surprised too, because my brother has a tendency to remember only himself most of the time, even though he occasionally pulls such stunts that make people go "awwww".

I guess the significance of this is that we rarely celebrate birthdays in any way, and mostly if we do, its because the adults plan for it. It sometimes saddens me that I just do not feel the significance of such events after so many years of not having enjoyed one.

My first few birthdays were pretty forced; I never really got to invite the people that mattered to me, and I got disciplined publicly for "doing something stupid" in front of others on my birthday.

And so I started to keep to myself.

Years on, despite trying to open up and all, I find myself keeping so much inside; often more than I can bear alone.

The problem is I don't know where to start or how to put it into words.

I guess I just don't trust enough.

Back to the birthday cake. We had a chocolate cake bought by my elder brother. In a moment of nostaglia and longing, my Mom commented that Granny loved chocolates.

For the umpteenth time I've been trying to tell myself its no use digging up the past, but I can't seem to let go. Because 2 decades of memories don't fade away in an instance.

I look around and feel nihilistic. I wonder why.

In essence, I'd just like to keep a little bit for myself and not give it all. Because I've reached my limit quite some time ago.

#15 Ever So Often

I'm reminded by the fading/faded, beautiful past.

I put on my earphones and immerse myself in nostalgia as memories resurfaced, lightly flirting with familiar tunes.

Sometimes I think of happy thoughts, others bring back that crippling, gripping fear, or despair.

When that happens, its very much a unique situation; I'm enraptured and yet not at all involved.

I feel I'm looking too inwardly. Because, as a memory from before reminds me, disappointment comes with not realizing that the present is but a portion of an ongoing process. And I am not the centre; merely a gear in the engine.

Merely, misleadingly, but that I'll leave for another time.

And once more, I yearn to receive once more that simple, child-like ability to love, to trust, to let go and fly free. Because growing up has put much inhibition, distraction and doubt on my persona.

And then, there's this house that I live in that needs tending to; that I ignore and overlook daily.

Sometimes I feel so uptight, so strained and squeezed dry, that I'd just like to disappear.

But until that day comes, until my time has ended, I still be living, breathing, discovering, learning and hoping.

I know I'm not good enough. That's why I'm never alone.

Even when I feel alone.

#14Everyday A Rush

This is the part I am reflective.

I finally took the conscious effort to read Ps Kong Hee's blog to update myself on sister (? I don't know how to properly refer to her) Sun Ho's medical condition.

Boy was I shocked at what I read. Want to know more? Go www.konghee.com/blog (sorry the link doesn't work).

Please do remember to pray for her too!

This week flew past pretty quickly. The work came fast and furious, but I've realised I've unknowingly fallen in love with the work. I'm not sure how it happened, but I guess it helped when I kept a positive attitude in spite of my natural aversion to cheap labour. Then, I guess, things just changed inside.

Blessed that in spite of the workload I had lots of excess time; time spent on QT and memorising the 5 Acts verses. I usually am good at memorising short verses. This time though, the task seems impossible. Everytime I feel I've memorise it, I realise I forgot everything. Must be a reason behind it...

I'm surprised at a few things in camp.

1. My relationship with my colleagues, the regulars and my boss has improved tremendously. I feel so blessed! For example, usually my CO lets the duty clerk wait for him till he finishes. Today, when he heard I was the duty clerk, he told me he would be leaving around 6.30-7pm at first, after some thought. I had the impression he wanted to stay longer but thought otherwise. Then, a few minutes later, he came out and told me to leave first and get the people staying over to lock up for me, mentioning that he could be there till much later. People say that it's all part of the benefits of being a CO PA. I don't agree. You can be a CO PA and stuck up and people will get sick of your character and personality pretty quickly, or you can be nice and people take advantage at the start, but see what you truly are after a while.

2. I shared my testimony to two camp mates rather unintentionally. It first started with a camp mate, Mike asking me about Holy Spirit baptism and speaking in tongues. Another friend got interested in the conversation (albeit negatively, it seemed to me) and started asking me leading questions; questions with a hook. I readily admitted I did not have the answers that he needed, but shared my testimony, why I believed what I believed in the simplest of terms and urged him to experience before coming to a conclusion. There seemed much tension within him, disbelief, but I felt something different. As I spoke, my voice changed from a defensive tone, to a reconcilatory one. But if there's but one takeaway, it is this; I have to know more. Much more.

I've not kept my promise to Darryl to sms him every night to update him. Don't have the discipline. It's kind of hard pushing myself to do all these things; totally opposite from the me I have known. But it's a necessary sacrifice. I'm going to do what I can.

This is the part I go ballistic.

I seem to be grasping at time. 3 months have passed so quickly! So much things I haven't done, so much things I've missed out because of a lack of self-discipline and planning!

And that occasional thought of my granny. It's been 8 months but it still feels like yesterday. I don't see her in the ICU in my mind anymore but I can't ever seem to dream a dream where she's happy. Each dream ends in either a stalemate or a nightmarish ending.

I don't seem to be succeeding with ballistic.

Oh no, I'm getting negative! God, give me a positive direction to look to, to work for and to believe in!

Because I don't want to miss the point.

#13 o_O

I wonder what makes good, restful sleep. Because it seems nowadays I get weird, even freakish dreams, bordering on the line of nightmares.

Psychedelic.

Had just one such dream this morning. A bit embarrassing/disconcerting to describe but it made me feel so claustrophobic, but at the same time could only be described as packing an adventure. The downside to this whole experience was that I woke up late, felt like I worked through the night and acquired a bad headache through the day.

I kind of enjoyed my day in camp doing the most boring of tasks; clicking slides in a meeting, not because of the task but the content involved. It is amazing coming into the army and actually hearing bits (though I don't really get all of it) and pieces of adventure we only read of in novels.

And more and more I'm convinced the value of a situation is dictated by the attitude we take as we confront it.

*Psychos himself, then goes to memorise the 5 verses once more*

#12 Today, Saturday

I'm 37 mins late as I type this post because it's already Sunday.

But that's beyond the point.

Today I finish the medication that causes drowsiness.

However, I found out (with lots of pain) why another set of antibiotics pills are directed to be taken with or after food. How? This is how:

Part 1, the night before, I took a pill before going to bed as directed. However, I did not eat any food along with it. I spent the next 45 minutes writhing in abdominal pain on bed.

Part 2, I took another pill 12 hours later, expecting to be taking my lunch soon. Within 2 minutes, I felt a slight ache in my stomach. Within 15 mins I was out of breath. By 30 mins I could barely walk. Somehow, though, I managed to meet Ben and grab lunch. And that solved it.

And then the day's events blurred past me.

It's quite a shame how every single ounce of happiness can be pushed away by a single bad experience/instance. Once again, I magnified the problem and minimized God.

So on the way back home, I asked myself, "Give me a reason why I should continue inviting and believing in someone who has betrayed, made use of and now even heaped sarcasm on me?"

Finding no answer, I asked God the same question, for a verse in reply.

"Haven't you done the same before? How different then are you?" came the simple answer.

"Fair enough," I thought. "Fair enough."

Once again, I'm humbled. Because it's not about the situation, but how I react to it.

P.S. I found the answer for myself; because I want to believe.

#11 The Past Week

Lots of thoughts rushed through my mind as I thought back on the week's passing;

Some hopeful, some ignoble, some happy, others not so.

But the one thing that came through was this; the moment I let down my guard, I found myself spiraling back into the pit I crawled out before. I'm talking about about sin. About laziness, about trying to escape from the reality of my problems, about putting on a brave front, about not doing my best at work.

It may not seem significant to any other. But that's just how quirky my mind is.

In brokenness I went back to seek Him. Guilt, anguish over my lack of self-discipline, I released it all.

But at what cost? The week feels wasted.

May I never live another week like that.

John 5:8 Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

And so I walked. Out of that pit once more.

****

Listening to songs on my laptop brings back interesting thoughts. I'm addicted to music; I mentally associate each familiar piece with a situation, an incident, be it funny, sad, crazy or just pure weird.

Love songs; they bring such a torrid rush of emotions. Bittersweet. Magical even.


Things to be grateful:
1. Concern from my boss and a free 1/2 day off to rest.
2. Concern from friends who check on me; very much appreciated! :)
3. The visit back to Hope, it was as much an enjoyable day as it was a cathartic experience.
4. Old HopeRP brothers and sisters slowly coming back together as one. Just a bit more!
5. For the big plan of which I'm a part of.

#10 Longing For A Buddy

Reminder to myself before starting the entry:
1. Don't forget the Xiao gang

(I know it's repetitive but) It has become my habit each day I wake up to mentally repeat reminders to myself because of how easy our mind lets slip of the important stuff.

Okay, on to the entry.

As I started, two ideas for getting across my plea (if you would call it) popped in my head.

1. To do it advertisement style.

2. To do it the old-fashion style.

Think I'll do it the 3rd way; without style.

Kidding.

But in all honesty, my longing is nothing trivial.

Because stepping out to know God more intimately, reaching out to people and being more caring (I try at least), constantly reminding myself to reflect on my weaknesses, is not at all an easy task, even insurmountable if I ever feel alone.

And so I long for a buddy who:

- Can grow with me at a similar pace so we can challenge each other
- Spiritually shares the same fire, the same burden for people
- Care for people and each other
- Remind me of my blind spots, my inclination to legalism or my apparent lack of EQ
- Providing reminds to keep in check my tongue

Because in putting in effort there will be disappointments, discouragement and obstacles.

But before that happens, I want to be insulated from all these, because we cannot be spending all our time solving problems; we have to be prepared for at least some of them.

Being a follower of Christ often requires self motivation and self criticism. Being a contemporary Christian is even more challenging as we strive not just to keep ourselves in check, but stay relevant in present times.

As such, we are sometimes looked upon as defilers of the religion (though a relationship is what it is) or a desecration of principles when more traditional believers look uncomfortably at us as we seem to adopt ungodly practices in our effort to stay relevant. Non-believers, on the other hand, sometimes find our evangelism and fervour beyond natural and even fanatical.

And natural it is not, because our belief, our fervour, our hope is rooted in daily effort and discipline to know Him more. And we fall short. We're not perfect. But, we, try.

Surely this is standing between the living (believers) and the dead (unbelievers)? I might be pushing it a little but this reminds me of

Mark 13:13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

And then there's tomorrow.

#9 A Great Day, An Awesome Day

Saturday was a crazy, busy day. For some reason, I shoved so many events into my calendar that some of them had to simply evaporate. And they did; most of the less urgent things I got no confirmation reply for (such as a lunch appointment).

Went to the IT show to get Jerrome's new hard drive. Spent 2 hours going in and coming out, and we only visited 3 stalls, spending less than 2 mins on 2 and just the paying time for the last! Then went to grab tickets for Jason drummer's performance, after which I visited Hope's service.

Was thinking about my ex-shepherd, Timothy Alvin, but had to much on my hands beyond just a short sms conversation and finding out that he was at the IT show the whole day, so he couldn't join me in the visit.

The amazing thing; Jin Hui/Bobby, a fellow NSF from my Unit, received Christ in Hope the previous week's service, and I decided to join him for the service to encourage him and also to visit Hope once more. The service was amazing and the sermon spoke wonders to me, especially about magnifying God VS problems.

I am always amazed at the level of energy in Hope's praise. Sometimes I really really miss jumping in praise with Jerrome and the rest of the RPians in unity. I still remember in Year 1 we always rushed down right in front to praise God, leading the charge. Soon after, everyone picked up!

Thank God for Lancaster joining us, and all those who said hi, because it really made me feel welcomed once again. P.S. Jeremy, you are remembered! Prayed a short prayer for Elaine and left after service to for dinner.

I had the opportunity to join HopeRP guy's dinner fellowship and had quite a good time with Blake, Ronald (a visiting brother) and Chun Kwee, glad to see everyone doing well. :)

Time flew past and I was unable to join Nehemiah and company for Daohui supper, because I had to go to "St John" according to Nehemiah. Hey brother, I went to St James, not St John. =X

Met my two camp mates, Mike and Waltson. Have a bit to say about Mike:

He is a Buddhist, and questioned me before about Christianity and my beliefs. I ever asked him if he wanted to join me for service but he said that he was not interested because he has his own beliefs. Then two/three weeks ago Mike told me that he visited his cousin's church. He even bought a daily devotional even though he had not received Christ, so he could know more about Christianity before committing his life. He shared that he felt different being there than from other churches because he felt at peace after a while, even though he was initially apprehensive. When I invited him to City Harvest, he told me he did not want to church hop, so I respected his decision. I offered him my help if he had questions, and that I would check if I did not know the answers. :)

About Waltson: I'm working on it. Right, top-notch!

Other highlights:
Heng Yu committed to City Harvest now! Good choice bro, lets grow together! :)

Praying for:
Timothy Alvin (bro, you may not know it, or you may choose not to believe it, but as the first one to bring me to Christ, you have my eternal thanks and I pray that you will come back to Him)
Jerrome & Elaine (Commit to a local church! Sink your roots! :D)
Xueyan (Come to know God as Jerrome has, His blessings are awaiting your acceptance)
Darryl (Protection and covering from on high)
E410 (Various, various, various)
More helping hands
Better wisdom, planning and consistency; I don't want to go around half dead physically :(
Strength for the week ahead

P.S. EEK! I haven't sent Darryl the daily sms!

Love the Lord Your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

#8 Burden For People

Two posts in one day!

Before I go on, I have to admit a few things;

1. My time management is extremely bad.
2. My faith is inconsistent at best.
3. My understanding is incomplete.
4. My burden is real.

Remind to self (I have to do this because I'm so irresponsible and ill-disciplined):
1. Daily reminder to self and J/HY for Bible reading and prayer
2. Watch my tongue
3. From tomorrow onwards, daily updates to Darryl who's overseas.
4. Easter-related stuff (shhh)
5. Diploma enrolment
6. Collecting RP certificate (might want to go for Graduation Ball
7. Don't forget the Xiao gang
8. Please, please, please, be consistent!

Catching the fire for God once again is not an easy task. And yet losing it to religious fanaticism is the last thing I want to do, though it easy to fall in to. So once again I made use of a method that seems pretty effective for myself; encouraging/reminding myself through doing the same for others.

And as Darryl leaves Singapore for his training attachment overseas, the onus is on me to help Heng Yu and Jerrome get back to consistency with God.

Bit by bit I grow, bit by bit I struggle. But my faith is continually renewed when I see so many souls waiting, aching to find a greater sense of purpose beyond play, work and sleep.

They need Him.
I need to help them find Him.

Be with me.

*Edit*

Oh yeah. One morrrrrre thing.

More fellowship please. Lets take charge, instead of having Annie or Linn or Aaron do so. Very important if we are to trust one another, if we are to grow together with one another.

#7 Interesting

This last bit came up in the papers today in the Home section in the article entitled "Tracts 'no different from Da Vinci Code', as the closing remark by the DPP involved in the case.

"Mrs (Name), you may not have had the intention, but irresponsible evangelism can also cause hatred and dissension."

It instantly brought to mind a passage in the Bible:

1 Corinthians 10:31-33

³¹So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. ³²Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— ³³even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

While I admit that the error made by the evangelising lady involved was unfortunate, it reminded me of the many times believers (including myself), contribute to forwarding messages that on the surface seem to do good, but in actual fact are spam, seemingly appealing to us through ethos (moral grounds) but in actual fact urging us to do spread a certain blessing message through pathos (emotions, e.g. coercion by saying that if you deny Christ, He will deny you as well). We are caught by guilt or even misguided trust because what is written is veiled on moral high ground and do as the message says in spite the fact that we were called to be "as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves" in Mat 10:16.

Sure, on the up side it seems that all is harmless. However,whether intentional or not this over time builds into a culture of blind trust. Ironically our faith is then undermined when we start to stop questioning our beliefs because we have gotten used to it. Because the day we lose the desire to know more is the day we start to know less and less of Him.

And not only does it undermine our faith, but it also causes listeners of the Gospel to not comprehend the full message of Salvation, because we as the vessels end up contradicting ourselves as we proclaim love but end up causing emotional hurt to the unsaved when we indiscriminately (and often we do not realise) force our beliefs upon others.

No one can force another and no one should be forced, only that the Message is preached and people decide for themselves.

So before we complain that our efforts are in vain as we share the Message the next time, let us take a step back and consider; have we really conveyed the full Message in both words, and actions? This is important because we would be cheating ourselves and robbing others of the chance to be saved if we didn't. Don't get so used to listening that you forget discerning. Because hearing is only the first step; Understanding is the other.

#6 People

So many of them enter your life that you cannot keep count, however much you try to. Just looking at my MSN contact list I can see at least a hundred I used to (no longer) contact.

And I just don't know how to re-start the conversation without feeling all weird.

Because every single soul is precious to Him.

How long would the doors stay open, till they are closed forever?

I don't need to experience it to know the pain. I just know that losing a loved one to even physical death is something that I cannot endure.

What more eternal separation, with the knowledge that emptiness is their destiny?

Still I sense the urgency.

Still I sense my fear.

Give me strength, a greater heart, a wiser mind.

I love You. I trust You.

#5 Ups & Downs

This week is by far the most explosive week of the year so far. I started off the week hacking and slashing into mounds of work like a madman gone wild. Looking back, I'm still amazed how I got away not falling sick. (No details please, because I don't want to look back at the week, then look forward and shudder.)

Then somewhere midweek I encountered a spanner in the engine with some colleague trouble. That really took a lot of energy out of me as I couldn't believe how with my hectic schedule I could still find the time to get into the wrong shoes of a good and helpful friend. I mulled for hours every time I was reminded of the encounter and vainly struggled to improve my mood.

So on Wednesday when I was downright low on mental energy, I was told to join my superior at a meeting outside. That gave me a good opportunity to talk to my superior and share life experiences, as well as keep my mind of the trouble behind me.

Thursday was not lacking in eventfulness; I kicked, flipped, tripped, stumbled and bashed my face through the whole day, blinded by the abovementioned problem.

I'm glad I found out the reason for the misunderstanding today through a casual question after hours of planning, struggling and postponement, because I absolutely hate confrontations. Now I know the reason, I sure as anything will try my best not to repeat it.

And so lunchtime came and I took my off for the afternoon kudos to my superior. After double-checking with my boss to make sure there were no outstanding issues, I left the office, headed home into the shower and then to bed.

I woke up a dreadful being. The memories of a lost loved one stings, whether bitter or sweet, even months after their passing.

And before I fully recovered, I discovered to my horror I had about 4 calls from my boss, apparently looking for me urgently.

I had made a mistake in the meeting dates. So I did the only thing one could do in a state of mental confusion; apologise to my boss and another superior.

Ouch.

But I don't consider that ending at a low point because mistakes can be fixed and as shown, misunderstandings can be rectified. We only require willingness and action.

That's what I have been reminded this week.

#4 Oh Cool

The Navy just sent me a pair of slippers and a tiny bottle of sunblock.

I think I'm going to sign on.

Not.

****

And then I am inspired to write a short passage

Try to see if you can guess what happened:

It was an uncomfortable feeling; A sudden force of pressure building up from within. Patrick struggled. This was definitely not the place, nor the right time, he knew. The characteristic tingling sensation started, building quickly into an uncomfortable burning sensation. An agonizing pain brought forth by the rapidly gathering assemblage sent him into a state of escalating consternation. All around he looked, even pleaded.

Yet there seemed no hope for respite in sight.

Moments passed; dreadfully long moments as Patrick battled a losing battle from within to take control, to assume mastery over that which had threatened to defeat him.

Push came to shove and Patrick almost doubled over, stretched almost to the limit. Tears rolled down the sides of his face as he struggled against the effort. Patrick fought with all he could, till his muscles burned a pain like no other.

And then it happened.

In a valiant but utter vain attempt, Patrick half screamed, half cried a word of warning.

*BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM*

Like a crash of thunder, it happened.

A sudden rush of freedom flushed all over Patrick. Yet as the little boy opened his eyes after precious seconds of uninterrupted relief, even pleasure, reality soon smashed in.

Looking around in fear, Patrick saw all eyes trained upon him in pure trepidation.

All that were left, at least.

For a sense of dread and ill omen swept over Patrick as he realised that half the class had been knocked unconscious.

Patrick Smash the "Thunderpants" had struck.

****

And then a little quote that occurred through a conversation with a good friend. I like this:

Maybe she's right
Maybe I'm right
We'll never know
Until we decide

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

And then there's punishment.

And then its back to square one once more.